Asklemmy

"Ahoy 'hoy" like Mr. Burns in the Simpsons?

This one's pretty mild: I answer phones with "Yellow?"

I answered my work phone with "Morgans Morgue; you kill'em, we chill'em" once. My coworker did not expect that and cracked up.

I've used the same line with different slogan a few times, but that's the one that worked the best.

City morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em

Or you slice 'em, we ice (or dice, if you want gruesome) 'em

Joe's pool hall, 8 ball speaking

Sam's sanitarium, what nut do you want?

Town grocery, you want the fruit or the vegetable?

Bill's grill, where our meat fits your buns, how can we serve?

Bill's grill, where we shove our greasy meat in your mouth, how can we serve?

I used to have a whole list of these things I picked up over the years, but being able to ignore calls without having to hear them ring has made me forget a lot more

Moshi Moshi

One of my dad's favourites, which I use, as deep as possible "Lunch room, this is Susan". Works great when it's a telemarketer from an overseas, outsourced call centre...

I sometimes answer with "Come in please" when I know who's calling. Never stops irritating people lol.

One time my dad and I were sitting in the car while my mom and wife were shopping (fabric store, not our jam). They kept calling us and we kept answering, pretending to be our voicemail messages.

I don't know how we could keep calm while talking, because we were laughing our asses off in between calls, but it worked!

"Catholic freight depot random city" makes callers pause for a second to think about what they just heard.

In a non-local language.

This also provides a minimal level of security against robocall scams.

“I’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty “

Was at the house of a relative of a friend. When the phone rang he asked me to answer it. Suddenly realizing I didn't know the name of the home owner and lacking anything beyond "hello", I simply said, "Massachusetts."

"Thanks for calling in to 102.5! You're on the air! What is your embarrassing poop story?"

Every since I moved to Texas, I started saying "howdy" just to annoy my sister. But I guess the jokes on me, because lately I have been forgetting and she has been saying it.

If you have voicemail (because apparently some lucky bastards these days don't need it) just repeat your voicemail message.

Especially funny if it's someone you didn't want to even talk to, and after you finish, when it would normally beep to indicate the caller should leave a message, just hang up.

"[your city] Police, how can I help you."

City Morgue, spare parts division.

Guy I was working with would answer his phone with "Hi, can I speak to *person who was calling* please?"

Ahoy-hoy!

喂你好！（or any language the caller probably doesn't understand!)

mmmmmmYellow

Supposedly, my grandpa used to do "Schwartz's Mortuary, Iberium Deep speeking."

Buddy the elf, what's your favorite color

Bob's dildo emporium, we pluck em you fuck em.

“Hello, it’s been so long, how are you!?” confuses them every time. Same with “ok, sounds good, see you then!”

Welcome to the wooorld of tomorroooow!

I think I have the wrong number

"Fluffy's Intimate Massage and Car Wash, you're speaking with Fluffy, how can I help?"

Sneed’s Seed and Feed, formerly Chuck’s

Mulder

"You've called Sevil Natas, home of mirrored text, how may I serve you today?"

I use jak sie masz. The phrase from Borat which apparently also means how are you in polish.

Vatican. This is the Pope.

@programmatica If it's 0 in the morning (and you know it's not the case), "Somebody better be dead."