Mental Health

You shouldn't have to apologise for your behaviour as a child. You were a child, she was a parent. If anything your childhood behaviour is to some extent HER responsibility.

From what you've said, it sounds as if you're bending over backwards trying to repair your relationship while your mum is being stubborn & petty. If it were me, I'd make a final attempt to reach out and explicitly say that I am desperately trying to mend our relationship, but it seems as if she isn't interested in doing that... and if that's the case, can she just be upfront about it so you can both move on.

One thing I’ve learned, and it’s totally not fair, is that in some relationships (frequently familial), you have to accept the relationship how it is. If that works for you, great, if it doesn’t, then move on, and deal with your own feelings about it.

What I mean by that is that you may never be able to have the relationship you want with your mother (I know I can’t). What you have to decide is if you can deal with it the way she wants it. Because it may never be different/better.

I guess one big question I’d have is is she likes that with everyone, or is she able to be social, and “normal” with other people? My mother is the former. She has no friends, no life, not hobbies, no nothing. Every time I talk to her it’s a negative fest about the world being out to get her. She learned it from her horrible, horrible mother (I no longer talk to my grandmother at all) I have mostly removed myself from the situation, only talking to my mother as necessary/out of guilt.

BUT I don’t let her get under my skin anymore. I may piss and moan to my husband or therapist about something she did or said, because I want to vent, but she’s going to do her, and in her 70s now, I’m not changing her. What I had to conditioner her to not do, by putting her in timeouts, is to be abusive to me.

TL;DR decide if you can deal with the relationship as is, because it may never change, then change your actions based on your decision.

Do you think she wants a relationship with you? Like it sucks beyond a doubt, but one of the hardest and most important lessons of my life has been that my ex father wants nothing to do with me. A relationship requires give and take and what you’re showing seems to be very much a display of her not wanting to spend time with you

A therapist would be very helpful in navigating your relationship with her.

May be don’t read too much into it. Some people are not that into teaching the basics. Instead may be try some quilt lessons online and then ask her doubts/guidance with some quilting problem. She might be more inclined to engage that way.

I'm not sure if it's relevant here, but I'd recommend taking a look at the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. I picked up the audiobook from my library and it really helped me understand myself, my development, and my parents a lot better and to have a healthier outlook on our relationship. I always understood my parents had their own baggage, but I didn't realize the specifics I could be on the lookout for, the specific reactions I'd had that could be linked to it, and how to move forward.

It could at least be a good start. Best of luck!

I always find it really hard to reach out to people because I've gotten responses like this in the past. Good on you for trying - don't let the cold response get to you, not worth it.

As a parent, my kids underestimate how much I just don't know how to put one word next to another. I've learned to compensate with simple "I love you"s and such, but that took me awhile to figure out.

My own father and I don't really talk, and that's mostly because his father was an asshole to him. I've learned to accept that, and appreciate that my father chooses quiet instead of repeating whatever his father spewed.

Like they said therapy

BUT imo...

Go full honesty. Call their bs smiling and such out, peacefully though. Make it known you see how they respond to you. Clearly communicate am I, your offspring, even worth your time at this point? Or do you not care to mend any relationship left? Save me the time now.

They had you, not the other way around.

Could you just say that to your mother? Just tell her what you said here. In a letter or a text just tell her you would like a better relationship with her and are looking to see if she is open to the idea. You can explain it is important to you. Be direct and ask her what you would like. Everyone communicates differently and perhaps she did not understand this as a method to improve the relationship. If she says no, perhaps she will give a reason. If not you can say okay and ask her to let you know if she ever changes her mind. Unfortunately we cannot always have the relationships we want but it is best to be direct about your needs and also boundaries. But also know that just because you want or need something doesn’t mean you will get it if you ask. I often find we do not directly ask the questions we really don’t want answered. It is possible she will say no and give no reason and that will be sad but at least you did your best to communicate with her. But perhaps it will open a door. In my own life I often didn’t directly ask for what I needed and tried to pad the questions do as not to be rude or hurtful but sometimes people can’t see what you are asking that way. When I asked directly I was often surprised by the answers in a good way. Good luck.

Why would she be scared of you?

Need more information.

But it seems like she wants nothing to do with you

Sigh. I hear this very deeply. I’m pushing 70; both parents died a few years back.

First, as you likely know, you’ve opened the door, but it’s up to her to walk through it. It may take more time leaving the door open; it may never happen. “It’s not you, it’s her.”

You mention sexual abuse in her past. I’ve lived with that with my current partner for many years. It’s always been a 600-lb gorilla nobody wants to talk about, because what is there to say? I know it can distort relationships in odd ways.

My mother and I also had teen angst issues. And she had other forms of trauma in her youth which informed our issues as mother & daughter. After years very low contact, she broached the issue when I was in my 50s, and she was mid-80s. But she did so in a place or at a time where honest, open discussion was impossible—in a very public venue, or at a time when we needed to leave for another obligation. So she both wanted to get it off her chest, and really didn’t want a discussion she couldn’t control completely.

By that point, I realized she’d done her best as a mother, and it wouldn’t benefit either of us to have her Go to Glory feeling like she’d screwed me up. She had—but there was no way to fix or repair the damage, nothing to be gained by rehashing shoulda, coulda, woulda. And she had done the best with the resources she had. So I said “okay.” And let it go.

I’m sorry that your relationship is so tough. You are worthy of love and respect, and I hope things get easier.

>we've been no contact with my family on and off
>why doesn't my family want to connect with me

"Going no contact" ends relationships. I've noticed a lot of people will defend "going no contact" as a normal and healthy relationship tool because they've done it, erected massive walls of pain and mistrust in core relationships, and need the support of others with similar blockades to defend the disastrous results. I've seen it recommended as a response to bad table manners. The problem is you're inflicting a death on someone while refusing them permission to grieve. There is a void in their life where a person used to be, but they can't even come to terms with that and move on because the person might come back. It is the strongest possible ultimatum. Now, boundaries are healthy, and if a relationship is giving you more pain than support, it's your prerogative to end it; that's what "going no contact" usually does. If someone lets you back into their life after you've done that, you shouldn't assume that they've forgotten what it was like to live without you.

Sometimes the best thing you can do is not waste anymore time or energy on someone who will never return the favor

This latest attempt kind of stung - I stuck my neck out and transparently stated I wanted to spend some quality time together.

Have you tried being explicit? That might look like:

Hi Mom, I would like to try and improve our relationship. Are you interested in doing that with me?