this post was submitted on 16 Sep 2024
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No Stupid Questions

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Do you ever get frustrated at your own creation? (lemmy.world)
submitted 2 months ago by Lost_My_Mind@lemmy.world to c/nostupidquestions@lemmy.world
31 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

My dad tells this story of how he met my mom....and he thinks it's supposed to be endearing. It just comes off as cringeworthy to me.

Essentially my dad went to a bar. Started talking to a drunk woman, and then he left. Got to his car, realized he didn't have his car keys, and realized they must have been on the tray when he threw out his garbage/food reminants.

So he goes back into the bar, digs around in their garbage until he finds his keys, makes out with my mom, and they spend the night drinking together. Then he drives them to his house drunk, and that's how he met my mom.

Now I don't know if that's the night I was concieved. They did stay together for another 6 years. They got married. But the implication seems to be that I was the result of a bar hookup because my dad is an idiot and threw away his car keys. Then my mom was somehow turned on by the sight of a man digging through the trash, that she starts making out with him.

And based on my dads age, and my age, I can conclude he was 35 years old when I was born. Which means this story likely took place when he was 34.

My mom has never told me her version of the story, and likes to pretend history never happened. She recently told me she never liked Phil Hartman, which I know for a fact isn't true because I can remember her enjoying him not only on NewsRadio, but also when I was a kid and watching Pee Wee's Playhouse. Then to hear her a few weeks ago say she never liked him makes me question anything she says about the past. So I wouldn't even trust her version of the events. Not that she's exactly willing to tell them anyways.

I'm 41 now, and hate being alive every single day. Every once in a while I think about how I wouldn't exist if my dad were just not an idiot that one night. Just ONE NIGHT for him to be a well functioning human, and he doesn't throw away his keys. I never get born, and how much better that would be for everybody. It just frustrates me that something SO SIMPLE could have saved me 41 years of daily agony. And then people wonder why I don't want kids.

gestures to the entire world

THAT'S WHY.

Does anyone else feel this way?

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[–] NoneOfUrBusiness@fedia.io 59 points 2 months ago

This is a... Unique way of thinking about this. I'll preface all of this by saying: Get therapy, or at least talk to people. Seriously. Feeling that every day is agony and hating your parents for giving birth to you clearly means you're hurting somewhere. There is absolutely no need for that to be your normal.

how much better that would be for everybody.

Uh... Why are you talking like you're the antichrist or something? In all likelihood you're a mildly good person in the eyes of some people and a mildly bad person in the eyes of others. I mean you know yourself better than I do, but stop for a minute and think whether the dramatic statement of "how much better that would be for everybody" makes sense.

It just frustrates me that something SO SIMPLE could have saved me 41 years of daily agony.

I know that this is the product of deeper mental health issues, but I'll just point out that you're doing the same thing your mother did; only in your case it's your life instead of Phil Hartman. I mean 41 years? Yeah you probably weren't in agony before gaining object permanence, and definitely not every single day of your life. Just because things are hard now doesn't mean you have to reject happiness you had in the past.

[–] MNByChoice@midwest.social 51 points 2 months ago

An apt quote from "Rick and Morty" is "no one exists on purpose".

Your parents' issues don't need to be yours.

I hope you don't carry this hurt forever. Sorry.

[–] BluJay320@lemmy.blahaj.zone 37 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Buddy, I’m the product of two idiot 16 year old addicts fucking around without protection. You’re damn well right I feel the same way. But at the end of the day, I’m here, so I’m gonna try to make the best of it where I can. And you should, too

[–] andyburke@fedia.io 18 points 2 months ago

We are all just fighting entropy for a while. How you got into the alive club? That shit don't matter. You're here. You're one of us. You don't need a permission slip.

[–] southsamurai@sh.itjust.works 28 points 2 months ago (1 children)

I mean, is this actually a question?

It really seems more like a rant followed with a DAE at the end to keep form.

There's nothing to answer here.

Which is fine, but you picked the wrong C/ for it, which means you aren't as likely to get favorable responses.

But, with that said, of course you're not the only one. It's a pretty common sentiment, particularly when people have some long term health issues (physical or mental). You go to enough group therapy sessions, you'd be hard pressed to not have any given group be a majority of members feeling the same. Same with many support groups.

It's a thing.

[–] Lost_My_Mind@lemmy.world 7 points 2 months ago (1 children)

It’s a thing.

Well the majority of the post was me trying to explain the question. I can't just say "Has anyone else had the same thoughts I had?" because the first thing that would be asked is "What thoughts are you having?"

So yeah, I had to backtrack and explain my thoughts before I could ask if anyone else is having them. I was trying to learn if there's other people who feel this way, or if this is among the many many many other things that people say "No, it's just you".

You saying that this is a thing other people experience is what I was trying to figure out. You're taking a tone like it's obvious, but it's not obvious to me, so I thought this would be the place to ask things like that.

[–] southsamurai@sh.itjust.works 8 points 2 months ago

The only reason it's obvious is that there's billions of people in earth. It's hard to find anything that there isn't a decent number of people that feel/experience the same thing.

Which is no biggie at all, I didn't intend for it to come across snippy or anything.

Hell, the only reason I even mentioned that this isn't best place is that once you get enough down votes, a post can get buried to anyone that isn't sorting by new. Reduces the chances of interaction.

I'm trying to recall where on lemmy, and what the name is, for the "doesanyoneever" type of thing. I ran a couple of searches, but there's too many ways it could have been created the run through them all but there is one, and I could have sworn it was on lemmy.world, but I'm not seeing it currently. But I could just be missing it, I dunno.

[–] Lemjukes@lemm.ee 22 points 2 months ago

This is really the kind of thing you should be working on with a therapist and not lemmy. I know there’s catharsis and support to be found here, but we are not the help you probably want to be looking for.

[–] BlindFrog@lemmy.world 14 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Fam, the TLDR I'm hearing isn't "wish my folks made healthier life choices and hadn't conceived me in such a specifically shameful manner that affects my life", but "I wish I was never born, DAE feel this way?"

My answer is that, this seems deeper than what lemmy can offer, it's worth talking to a therapist about, and I hope you can find a way forward for you.

[–] trolololol@lemmy.world 7 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

1000% I came here to say this

But also, there's places in Lemmy where you can vent. But not necessarily heal, if your mental wounds are too deep.

I hope you find better happier days

[–] dubyakay@lemmy.ca 13 points 2 months ago (1 children)

I'm 45 and have never felt this way.

You should seek help imo. Or simply keep talking about it with others, like you attempt to do here. But less spending time online would probably help.

[–] fine_sandy_bottom@lemmy.federate.cc 8 points 2 months ago

I've never queried my parents intentions or motivations.

They weren't great parents nor were they terrible. I think they did their best given their resources, knowledge, and societal norms.

I have however managed various mental health issues most of my adult life, and I know that most issues which make me miserable, would not make me miserable if I were not already miserable. For example, when I'm stressed and miserable I tend to get fixated on things happening at work and stress about them a lot more than is really warranted.

I can't say I can relate to how OP feels, but I feel as though, if my dad told me I was an accident and unwanted or whatever that might change how I feel about him, but it wouldn't really change how I feel about me.

For any person alive today, if you followed your ancestry back even just a handful of generations I'm sure there are unwanted pregnancies.

[–] j4k3@lemmy.world 11 points 2 months ago (4 children)

It is not super common to impregnate on first offense, especially if you were her first child. You can count the days backwards from your birthday to see when it happened. If you were the first child, you may have been a day or few late.

Growing up, I found it funny how many of my friends happened to be born in the first week of September... Happy New Years. There is often, not always, but often some correlated reason why they were free to screw around too much.

[–] jqubed@lemmy.world 3 points 2 months ago (2 children)

I counted backwards once and figured out I was conceived the same month as my parents’ anniversary. I thought I might’ve been the result of their anniversary trip to Jamaica, and for some reason that made me uncomfortable knowing that. A few years later they were talking about the trip and that they didn’t know my mom was pregnant at the time. So thinking more it made sense that I was actually probably from a week or two beforehand, but then that means mom was drinking while pregnant because she didn’t know (although I’m assuming that early doesn’t have much impact).

[–] idiomaddict@lemmy.world 2 points 2 months ago

That early doesn’t have a huge impact, and it’s not universal, but many people lose a taste for alcohol around the time it would start to affect the fetus in a big way.

[–] capital_sniff@lemmy.world 1 points 2 months ago

How far apart are your eyes?

[–] ClanOfTheOcho@lemmy.world 3 points 2 months ago

Unless my math is wrong, early September is only roughly 8 months from New Year's, not 9.

[–] Lost_My_Mind@lemmy.world 2 points 2 months ago (1 children)

I'm his first/only, her 3rd. My sisters are roughly 10 years older than me.

[–] BearOfaTime@lemm.ee -1 points 2 months ago

And?

[–] dubyakay@lemmy.ca 1 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

But... pregnancies are ten months, not nine.

Christmas season is just as good an excuse though.

[–] Mothra@mander.xyz 8 points 2 months ago

Me thinking this was about getting frustrated at subpar artwork or crafts of my own creation but no, you really mean my own existence.

No, I don't feel that way. I never had a problem knowing my parents had sex and that I'm the product of that. Sorry for your case, I see others giving much better advice already so I'll leave it at that.

[–] circledsquare@fedia.io 7 points 2 months ago

I used to have a similar type of rage towards my parents and my existence. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=fAsHGEB69P0 this Alan Watts video helped me move past it. Not saying it will definitely help you, but it's worth a shot.

[–] lurch@sh.itjust.works 4 points 2 months ago

that's one way to look at it, but things like that happen often in reproduction. what matters is: now you're here, so you might as well make the best of it, because if rebirth isn't a thing you just get this one chance to do your thing.

the flower has no idea and no control over where the bee came from, but after the seed sprouts, it is no longer significant for the new flower. it just has to do it's thing. what's done is done. focus more on the future.

[–] Asafum@feddit.nl 3 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

I feel similar but I wouldn't say I particularly hate my parents.

I was an accident and honestly if anything I'm very frustrated that the only reason I was born was that my grandmother is super religious and refused to even entertain the idea of an abortion, hell she's even responsible for my name (again from the fucking goddamn Bible. For me that's ironic since I loath most organized religion.) but my parents in no way should have gotten together. I think my mom was just attractive and my dad is a pig for sex (I recognize some of that in myself so I guess I got that from him... Thanks...)

As others have mentioned it's not so much that the entirety of all 38 years of my life sucked, but for me I have a distinct memory at 11 years old of having this feeling that something wanted me to kill myself because it just kept "poking" at me, making life miserable in various ways. I gave the sky the finger and said "fuck you I'm not doing that" simply out of spite of whatever it was. (I don't believe anything like that now). So I have to imagine childhood wasn't as bad although I did have to live through 2 stepfathers that both wished I didn't exist probably as much as I do.

Anxiety runs rampant through my father's side of the family and I've definitely been depressed for the entirety of my teenage and adult life. The world wouldn't be affected by my passing, but I sure as hell would love to hit the "off button" as well. All that said, if women even found me worthy, I would never want to pass these absolute garbage genes on to anyone. That should be a crime thats how shitty they are (except my immune system, that seems pretty ok lol)

[–] HubertManne@moist.catsweat.com 2 points 2 months ago (1 children)

I mean people don't think I take things seriously enough but you gotta ask if the story is even true. I mean I ask myself. Its my creation? Is it real? Its my creation? I do not know. You have to have no hesitation and a heart of gold, because its just flesh and blood. I do not know.

[–] andyburke@fedia.io 1 points 2 months ago

bits and pieces and ... bita and pieces and ...

[–] ChowJeeBai@lemmy.world 1 points 2 months ago

Hahaha... My birthday is 9 months after my dad's. Coincidence? I think not.

[–] ryven@lemmy.dbzer0.com 1 points 2 months ago

There are definitely some things it is healthier not to know, and I'm pretty sure this is one of them. It's why I don't ask my mom questions about my dad, who I have never met since being old enough to form memories and I would like to keep it that way.

[–] Mango@lemmy.world 0 points 2 months ago

I'm an antinatalist for people like you and my kids who will never be.

My keys are securely attached to my wallet.