Ask Lemmy

Sorry to hear this.

Stage 2 means it is still localised, right? It may have been found in time and is treatable.

I don't know about your uncles cancer or what stage it was but not all cancers are the same and some are very treatable. In one type of cancer, survival after 5 years is 99% for stage 1, 95% for stage 2, 50-6i% for stage 3 etc. Stage 2 can be a very winnable battle. Even stage 3 can be a worthwhile battle.

You may be avoiding a very winnable battle in which you can have a long and enjoyable life after some short term discomfort. Some cancers can he treated in a localised manner with radiotherapy rather than chemo.

I implore you to verify what the treatment options are and success rates before making a hasty and final decision.

A relative of mine came back from stage 2 doing pretty well and is pretty happy after a year of treatment. Some of it obviously a little challengeing, but they have no regrets.

I can't claim that I understand what you're going through, but I do claim that I understand your reasoning. My dad went through the same around a decade ago.

Seeing him try chemo made me conclude that living means more than surviving. Make sure your family understands this part.

Come to think of it, it's almost 10 years to the day since he died. I never questioned his choice, and I'm happy that he got to the end on his own terms rather than being pestered by family pressuring him to endure a kind of pain that we could never understand.

EDIT: Just for the record, I'm all in favor of at least trying treatment - It works well for many. If it is truly insufferable, treatment can be aborted.

My experience says it probably doesn't matter however you choose to tell them but do tell them, as soon as you can. They'll want input on your decisions you know. They'll probably want you to fight this. They'll probably ask a lot of you. They'll demand you "waste away enduring treatment" But do tell them anyway, for them.

That's what this is about, yeah? Just bite the bullet and do it, today. Get it out there. Then listen to them when they speak. Maybe you'll change your mind. Maybe you'll decide to fight. Maybe you will not. But don't you keep it a secret, that's against the rules. You made a deal with your family, don't break it because you're afraid of losing a fight you could win.

I dunno if it's always the case but it can have long lasting effects on them if you don't give them their chance to say goodbye. My wife (40) still has trouble with the shock and loss from 8 years old when her gramma kept her cancer from her family until the very end.

So ill shut up now, feel weird already talking so confidently bout something so personal to someone....So log off, buck up, and tell them. You know they're gonna bug the shit out of you, but who knows, maybe they'll convince you. Maybe during this trouble you all will find a deeper love together than you knew you could feel.

Obviously some Internet asswipe like me can't be trusted with something so important. Don't be afraid of their love, go tell em, right now. <3

Sorry to hear that. Hope you make the best of your time left.

Regarding your question, idk I'd send an email to everyone I care about. Possibly a diff one for friends and family.

Here's a jumping off point:

Subject: Well... I Guess I’ve Got Some News!

Body: Hi everyone, So, you know how life has these unexpected twists now and then? Well, I guess you could say I just ran through one of those and boy is it twisty! I didn’t exactly sign up for it, but here it is. Long story short, I’ve been diagnosed with stage 2 cancer. (As BenFranklinsDick suggested, use chatgpt to spitball ideas)

Best of luck, friend. And maybe keep in mind that just cause things end, it doesn't mean they lose their value or meaning. <3

Telling them won’t make things easier, for them or you. I can’t emphasize that enough. What, exactly, are you expecting to happen? Hugs and an understanding goodbye? Not. Gonna. Happen.

Have you considered not telling them?

A crisis causes people to react in severe ways, and believe me, people will consider this a crisis. There will be tears of sadness and anger. You’ll hear the same tiresome lecture, and have to answer the same condescending questions, over and over. If you ask them to keep things within the immediate family, other people will “magically” find out (the most generous interpretation is that you’re laying something incredibly heavy on your family; it’s to be expected that some of them will need to talk about it with friends.) Some of the people you didn’t tell will even have the nerve to contact you, and force their moral “advice” down your throat.

Best case: your final interactions with the people you love will be sad and painful, and perhaps angry. Worst case: you’ll be put on informal “suicide watch”, and learn to hate and distrust the people you expected support from.

Spend some quality time with whoever you were planning to tell. Say goodbye in your heart, but don’t tell them it’s goodbye. Make some pleasant final memories.

Stage 2 generally means that the cancer hasn't yet spread, except maybe to very nearby lymph nodes, meaning treatment can be very successful so long as its somewhere accessible by surgery and you don't wait too long. Stage 2 treatment is very different from stage 4 treatment, but if you wait, that's where it'll get to.

Stage 2 is definitely survivable.

That said, your local hospice have staff who can provide this exact information. They have to do this on the daily, and are always willing to give support to people with questions such as yours.

I hope this comes off the way I want it to: remember this is about you. You sound like the sort of person who is always putting others first, which is an admirable quality, but this is all about you—everyone who cares about you will immediately recognize that.

Don’t waste your energy trying to protect anyone else’s feelings. The best thing you can do for your loved ones is tell them as soon as you can (even if that means just being super blunt about it) and focusing your energy on your plan to maximize health/minimize pain, which they can all help you with.

My suggestion would be find an end of life companion or death doula who is willing to have a chat with you, most will likely give you basic advice like this for free. It's important that you address this issue and tell your family though, and that you can communicate to them what your wishes are regarding treatment.

Good luck OP

You have all my sympathy. I don't know cancer stages but, as someone who was diagnosed to not have much more than a fe months at most a year to live many, many years ago, I know it can be worth double or even triple-checking. Seeing another specialist was a revelation for me as the new doctor she, well, she did not contradict the first doctor diagnosis but instead she suggested me a new experimental treatment the other doctor (a very nice but also a much older lady) was apparently not even aware existed.

How to talk about it with your family depends entirely of your relationship with each of your family member. There is no such thing as one right way to tell them all.

I would only tell people I trust, that's for sure. And there aren't that many. Then, I would decide to which of those people I love I can tell, and how much I can tell, and how. Some, no matter how close we can be, I would not tell them anything.

I mean, when I was persuaded my time was coming, we talked openly about it with my spouse. We discussed absolutely every single aspect of what was to happen like the two (back then young) adults we were supposed to be, two persons caring one for the other. We talked openly because that is how we had always done it when faced with any serious issue, like we still do today. But I would not have talked like that with anyone else. Certainly not with my parents.

No matter how much we love them, many people simply aren't wired for 100% honest talk, and can't stand those kind of hard truth without being overwhelmed by denial and emotions (some of which can become very problematic when heartbreaking decisions and choices must be made), the kind emotions you may yourself not want to deal with at that time (I certainly did not want to).

I say don't give up. My cousin had stage 4 cancer 5 years ago at the age of 25, and we all panicked. He went through with everything, and it's crazy to say that after a year, he is n remission. Obviously, there is still a high risk of returning, but we didn't expect him to be here today, so it was well worth the battle.

You have my sincere sympathies. I have family going through cancer right now and it's a bastard. Nobody deserves it.

The best way to break the news is a highly personal thing. What's good for one family might not be good for another family. If your family is supportive, they'll probably want to help somehow. If your family is toxic, you don't owe them anything, not even a diagnosis if you don't want to. And in all cases, any sort of reaction is reasonable to expect - receiving news of your diagnosis is the first step in grieving and you can never be sure how people will react to that.

At the end of the day, you've got a much better idea how your family might react than a bunch of strangers on the internet. But I'll go ahead and share our bad news delivery system, and you can decide if it works for you.

Ours is a family that believes in eating our feelings and ripping off the bandaid. When we have bad news to share, we invite the family out to lunch. Somewhere public if you feel that's appropriate. After everyone's ordered we hit them with a "Listen, I've got some bad news..." and then just jump into it. Then after the news has hit, the creature comforts of a hot meal does wonders to soothe the soul.

Telling everyone at once can be intimidating. You might find you benefit from having a confidant who knows your situation. Breaking the news one-on-one is often easier, and then when you're ready to tell the group they can be there to back you up.

No internet forum is really good for receiving medical advice on, and I won't talk you into or out of treatment. However, if you've only just received the first test results, you may not have a complete picture of what's going on.

Ultimately, it sounds like you don't want to suffer. And I respect the hell out of that. But if you only just received your diagnosis, you might be in shock and incapable of seeing anything hopeful.

Some people conflate the testing and determining prognosis and treatment plan with the treatment itself. I guess all I'm saying is that before you decide that you don't want treatment, you should consult with doctors you trust and determine what that treatment actually is. Not all cancers are equal, and the aggressiveness of the treatment has much to do with where it is and how progressed it is.

Anyway, as in all things, it's your body so it should be your choice. But when you're making big choices it helps to have all the data.

An option to consider is asking your dr's to help you. They should be happy to talk to your family with or for you.

Honestly, use chatgpt to outline and condense your initial thoughts and feelings into something you feel like you can say out loud, or send in an email/text.

It's easier when you don't have to do it all yourself.