Ask Lemmy

It's worth noting that the stigma is very much a cultural thing. There are cultures where it's very normal for the kids to stay with the parents, even after they get married, with multiple generations under one roof.

You should 100% do what makes you and your family happy. If things change, you can make changes.

The idea of being "too old to live with parents" is a pretty recent phenomenon.

Multi-generational households were the standard for centuries. There's a benefit, I think, for having parents, grandparents, and children in the house.

The children have the opportunity to learn from the grandparents.

The grandparents have the opportunity to help the parents by caring for the children.

The parents have the opportunity to assist the grandparents.

That being said, you couldn't PAY me to live with my mother. ;)

The main quesiton is what you want long term. If you want to eventually move in with a romantic partner, I would advice you to get used to independent living beforehand. Having to cook for and clean up after a partner who never learned to live without mommy and daddy is a huge turn-off for most people and can sour a relationship very fast. I would ask you these questions:

Do you cook dinner for the household at least every week?

Do you clean the kitchen yourself after cooking?

Do you do the grocery shopping for the household?

Do you often tidy up the pots and pans after meals (not just your own plates and cutlery)?

Are you the one who takes a walk around the house putting away stray plates, glasses & clothes and tidying up? Do you do this at least once a day?

When something breaks, are you often the one who repairs or replaces it?

Is it typically tidier & neater when your parents are away than when they are home?

If you want to live with a romantic partner in the future, and the answer to any of these is no, I suggest you have a long hard think about whether you're preparing for the life you want, or just staying where it's comfortable.

Pay your parents some rent, help out around the house, treasure them while they're still alive.

Save up and invest as much money as you possibly can.

Pay them some rent.

When you do finally move out you'll need to be used to putting that out. If your relationship with them is as good as you say it is they might tuck it away for you.

I think it's dumb that society stigmatizes living with your parents at all. It's a great way to strengthen family ties, saves money, and you can keep an eye on older generations.

My family is psycho, so I moved as far as possible, but I envy people that can take advantage of those benefits.

My partner was like this till his 30s, and I was a bit jealous having been kicked out at 18. He was able to buy a house( with an admittedly amazing APR) with the money he was able to put away with this method. While he didn’t pay rent he helped around the house, and was a near-guaranteed dog sitter. I think that as long as the situation works for everyone it’s a great leg up. If someone has a judge-y attitude towards it they’re probably jealous haha.

Your parents (likely) had better opportunities to get that house than you do now. Give yourself some grace, just make sure you’re helping out where you can :)

I don't think it's bad. It's only bad if you want to leave and can't.

Let's say I was a huge successful billionaire: I'd still live with my parents because I'd just get a single big house my whole family could live in together. Though it could be worded as they live with me and not that I live with them; technically both would be accurate.

I only feel like a failure because I want to be independent but it's too expensive to live on my own. Rather live together with family than total strangers because I could move out and have roommates, but why?

I don't think there is truly such a thing as too old. I would still live at home if I could I think, I like having people I care about around. That being said, it's more a question of if it works for your family and you. If they are cool with it and you are in a position where you're comfortable I don't see an issue. maybe talk to them about it.

In Greece it’s common for children to stay with their parents past 30. Your conflict is a cultural one.

My advice is to not worry about it and not feel ashamed. There are plenty of reasons to live with one’s parents, especially these days with the high cost of living. I’m sure your peers understand this.

In fact, the money you save on living expenses can potentially be used to buy yourself a home in the future, instead of perpetually paying rent like the rest of us.

and I believe they feel blessed to have their kid at home longer)

Have you directly asked about this? That would be my first concern, do they truly want me living at home still? Moving out doesn't mean you have to never see family again, you can have a set day or two every week to come over for dinner/a visit.

The second concern I would have would be bringing a significant other around, or even a first date. You don't want to bring every person you go on a date with to meet the parents, only the ones that are serious.

So if you're family is actually okay with you staying, and you're okay with bringing dates home around then, then go for it. Doesn't seem to be hurting anyone.

If you can bear your parents, don't move out. Would you bet that half of your coworkers live with their parents?

"Moving out" in an idealised event that just does not make sense anymore today.

I would lose 1/3rd of my income to rent

Nothing wrong with living with your folks for any reason at all. But if they won't let you contribute fully to the household expenses, put that extra cash into a savings account so that you have a deposit when you need it and so that you get used to having a real-world level of disposable income.

In the meantime, make sure you pull your weight at home. I used to have my dad on the phone in tears every week because my brother was living with him but barely even speaking in passing. If you're living with them, you must make sure they're getting your help and your company in return. It needs to be a good arrangement for all of you.

If your household is fine with it, and you are fine with it, stay home. I'm living with my mum til she dies because there's no other way I'm getting a house without a life of debt, might as well stay home and save money.

This changes a lot from place to place. So take into account that what I'm going to say comes from someone in Latin America.

I think that "moving out" boils down to three questions:

• Do you fight often with your parents?
• Are you being leeched, or a leech yourself?
• Does it prevent you from doing what you want to do?

If the answer for all those three things is a clear "no", then there's no reason to move out.

Freedom is not a theoretical matter, but a practical one; it's not being prevented from doing what you want. In certain cases you might be less free by moving out.

This pressure is solely a North American thing. They don’t push kids out in Europe. They have a very connected family dynamic. The only time adult kids go out on their own is if they need the space for bigger fam or need to move far for work. Otherwise fam are entirely happy to stick together. If anything parents want the kids to stay to help as they grow older and they aren’t alone. Sort of a switch over in responsibility later. But this is considering a healthy family dynamic. Not an abusive one. Abusive families still run away.

In North America ‘Living with parents’ seems to pick on who benefits and if anyone is prevented from doing things they need to do to get to the next step in their life to be capable of independence.

I’m living with a with a relative who I get along fine with and I’ve already done the ‘leave the nest’ thing.

I don’t have more life style growth to learn how to survive independently as I have the career I want and making the money I want. I can easily move out and get a place if that is what I need to do. I’ve done it before.

I’m back with fam because living alone is expensive for all of us. But we also really enjoy each others company. If anything it’s more that we live with each other for both of our benefit. Not just me living with them for my own benefit.

If you get on well with your parents and aren't planning to start a family of your own any time soon, I see zero downside.

I just had a guy retire where I work and he never moved out of his parent's place. There is no age you should leave. If you're happy and they are happy then there's no issue.

Maybe you'll feel that desire to leave when you get into a LTR, usually the need for privacy/space is what drives people to seek their own living space. Until you feel that way (if ever) save up and enjoy spending the time with the people you care about.

If you’re happy and your parents are fine with it then don’t fucking worry. Honesty the only real reason to move into a place of your own is if you’re moving in with a romantic partner or if you have good friends that would warrant living with. Housing right now is outrageously overpriced so why bother the unnecessary expense if everything else is fine?

Also, if you’re not already, take advantage of that no rent situation and save what you would be paying for retirement.

Your family must not be my family. I could be in the exact same situation, but I'm choosing to barely make rent each month on a 1br.

It is very expensive, but if I lived at home, I could not have sex, and having a partner over for non-sex reasons would be...very weird.

Plus, my family doesn't allow me to cook anything in oil because of the smells. Boiling, baking, and grilling only.

So...yeah. I like having a partner. And having some nookie. Plus, the space is nice.

40-year-old, home-owning, father here. I didn't move out of my parent's house until I was in my early twenties. Even then, I only did it because I wanted training in a specific field and would have to move to pursue it (the area I moved to was also where my then girlfriend, now wife, lived).

I preface all that to point out that, even in the mid 2000's, a lot of the societal pressure for kids to move out was starting to fade away. The shitty apartment I rented for $600 in 2008 is now going for $1,200. Decent apartments are going for $2,000 and most houses in the area are over $200,000 for a fixer-upper.

I do not look down on anyone for making the best financial decision they can given our impossible financial situations. The American dream of owning a home and two cars in suburbia is all but dead. The only reason my wife and could afford a house is because my father in law sold his house (that he bought for his mother) at 80% of what he thought the value was (which was way lower than its actual value).

For what it's worth, I think you're putting too much pressure on yourself. There is no shame in living with your dad, essentially as a roommate, it seems. I do agree with some others in that you should definitely use this time to save as much money as you can to potentially buy a home later.

There's no need to ever move out from your parents if the living situation is positive for all of you. I truly believe that the pressure to be "independent" is a coordinated strategy to keep people separate so everyone has to buy their own set of everything. It maximizes profit for big corporations and landlords.

When they are dead seems like a good upper limit

I've known people who got married while living in their parents home. They stayed and raised kids. And took care of their parents in those shitty end years. They don't believe they did the wrong thing. I moved out at 17 and did not move back for decades until now that my elderly mother needs help. It's been nice, and I think that I missed a lot just being away from family for so long. I also know that I was an asshole back then and if I had stayed it wouldn't have been good at all.

If you're cool with it, and your parents are cool with it, what's the problem? Especially these days with the ridiculous rental rates. It just makes no sense.

If you're happy being there and they're happy having you, then stay, you're pocketing so much more. Since you're employed, just make sure your family is taken care of, chip in for groceries or a new TV if they seem to need it.

The age at which you are no longer living with them, they are living with you.

I'm conflicted with myself. As I personally don't see the issue with living with my family or other relatives. Especially with the cost of living being as high as it is now, it's nice to not have to pay rent. I do get the freedom argument, however I think that it held more value 30-40 years ago when the economy was different. Now... Dunno I guess I just find more value in not being bound by 1000$ a month rent.

Don't know about any specific age, but if you ever intend to move in with someone other than your family, it's a very good idea to have tried living alone first.

Yes, incompetency and responsibility are issues. There's a lot of stuff to be done in a house/home. Since you already live with someone, there's a high chance that they're doing something that you either don't know about, or don't know how to, because they're the ones doing it. Living alone will inevitably teach you how to do everything and also let you experiment with how you want it done.

In that process you'll also learn that there are probably things that your family does differently from what you want. Perhaps they have arguments over stupid stuff, or they are happy living in more mess than you prefer, or they wash all the clothes on the wrong temperature (horrible, I know). As stupid as it might be, small stuff like that is important if you want to live with someone else.

You know how some motivational memes say "if you can't love yourself, how can you expect others to love you". Same thing applies to living with others: "If you can't live by yourself, how can you expect to live there with someone else?"

Financially it doesn't make sense at all, but in my opinion, living alone is a necessary thing to do before committing to living with a partner. At least for two years or so, and the twenties are usually a good time to do so, because you have fewer obligations and your family can still help you out if everything fails.

If you get along and love them, and you pitch in with a modest rent and chores and cooking, honestly I think we should live longer with our parents.

There is a heartbreaking statistic that is something like when you move out of your parents house you will have spent like 90% of the time you will ever spend with them (or some other very high number).

I lived with my parents until 30 and now moved to another country to study, but sometimes feel very sad that I don't live with them anymore. So much so that when I am done with my education I will move back CLOSE to where they live, and probably overnight frequently if it makes sense.

All of this probably changes if you settle down and start a family, of course.

If you're dating and looking for someone to "settle down with" this might be a deal breaker. On the other hand your situation is becoming more common. Regardless of how you feel I hope you are socking away some money. If you do want to own your own home, housing prices are cyclical (at least in the US). Be ready to pounce when the bubble bursts. Having 20% or more for a down payment can save you a lot of money. That's pretty generous of your parents to not make you pay rent.

I had to move back in with my parents in my late 20s, when the 2012 recession hit. I told people I was saving up for a down-payment, which is partially true. Other half of that was, it just wasn't possible for me to get a house and I was tired of apartment living.

If you're embarrassed, you can tell people you're "taking care" of your dad, so he lives with you.

Don't bother comparing yourself to the older generations. They've spent years pulling up the ladder behind them, so it's just not the same cheap, prosperous world that it used to be. Single income homes just don't exist anymore, and most people your age will recognize that.

Edit: Fixed autocorrect

Stay. Talk to your dad about this, but if he wants you around, and you're happy there, then you should definitely stay.

I say this as a parent. If you have a good relationship, and everyone likes the situation, then treasure it. Enjoy the time you have together.

And save the cash. If your folks want, make sure to cover some expenses and help out.

I think just do what feels good to you. As long as you're contributing to bills, cooking some meals and doing your own laundry etc you're not stunting yourself by being there.

Do you do your own laundry?

This is situational, and also cultural. The cost of living everywhere right now is unprecedented due to greed. I wouldn't feel too bad or look down on anyone for being in the situation. I've been in it off and on the last 10 years and I'm in my early 30s.