this post was submitted on 28 Jan 2024
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[–] punkwalrus@lemmy.world 7 points 7 months ago* (last edited 7 months ago) (1 children)

I married my first wife when she was 18 and I was 20. We went through a lot of hardship. It should not have worked out: we were both poor, from broken homes, in an LDR from different worlds. She was the popular girl, I was a shy and awkward nerd. When we got married, we had only been in one another's presence for a few weeks total. I went into the marriage not expecting a path or plan, as my parents were toxic which ended with my mother's suicide, and my mother in law had been married 4 times before she became single for the last time. None of us had healthy marriages to draw from. At our wedding, her relatives even said, "I give it two years, tops." We were desperately poor, and struggled most of our marriage with health and money issues.

But we made it work for 25 years. We'd still be married, but she passed away ten years ago. We became "foxhole buddies," us against the world.

[–] faintwhenfree@lemmus.org 3 points 7 months ago

This, all marriages are supposed to be this, us vs the world, while I get the argument you don't know who you really want when you are 20, I've also seen cases like yours, as long as both people figure out us vs the world, I think the marriage will last. So when people say 25 and after it makes sense, I've also seen cases where people never understand in their life this us vs them mentality, and are never happy and I always wonder the question how much age plays a role in people understand what marriage is supposed to be?

Anyway thanks for your take my man, my condolences, I wish you all the best.

[–] JigglySackles@lemmy.world 3 points 7 months ago (2 children)

Maturity plays a much more important role than age. Some people are never fit to marry, some have what it takes by the time they are 16/17. It's not often that it plays out well for the youngest ones, and since each year brings new experiences and understandings each year moves along the bell curve of "marriage readiness". So is it more likely that a 24 year old is more ready for marriage than a 18 year old. Yes. Is it guaranteed? No. I know some 50/60 year olds that still aren't ready for marriage. They just never learned the skills it takes to have a healthy marriage. Giving an age as a hard cutoff is too arbitrary a measure. Age doesn't guarantee shit.

[–] platypus_plumba@lemmy.world 1 points 7 months ago* (last edited 7 months ago) (1 children)

24yo people don't see themselves as children. This post is probably coming from a 40yo person.

[–] Lightfire228@pawb.social 1 points 7 months ago

As a 27yo, I'm still trying to figure out how to better organize myself. I was one of those kids that never had to take notes in school

And now that's coming back to bite me, because I'm completely new to note-taking, but am working on large 20yo code bases with tons of tech-debt and spaghetti madness. Along with tons of technical jargon in a completely different field. I just can't keep all that in my head anymore

The point is, i feel like an adult in certain aspects, and a child in others

[–] TakuWalker@lemmy.world 1 points 7 months ago

That's it, end of thread. Maturity plays such an important factor it's astonishing it's not the first thing being discussed instead of an arbitrary number.

[–] Zacryon@feddit.de 2 points 7 months ago (3 children)

Putting arbitrary numbers on people to measure their matureness is weird to me.

There are 15 year old people who are wiser and more mature than a lot with 50.

You can't know without knowing the person.

[–] threeduck@aussie.zone 0 points 7 months ago (1 children)

Well it's not arbitrary is it. Any quantitative measure of maturity is definitely correlated with age.

Your "very mature" 15 year old is either an outlier, or an indictment on your ability to ascertain maturity.

[–] Zacryon@feddit.de 1 points 7 months ago

Any quantitative measure of maturity is definitely correlated with age.

Is it? Do you have numbers on that?

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[–] johsny@lemmy.world 2 points 7 months ago

I got married at 22, (wife 21) and on the 17th of Feb we will celebrate our 32 year anniversary. Seems to have worked out ok for me.

[–] Tristaniopsis@aussie.zone 1 points 7 months ago (1 children)

At 53 with a partner and two kids, I am currently in deep, deep depression wishing that I’d married the girl I split up with at 24.

[–] Custodian1623@lemmy.world 0 points 7 months ago (1 children)

no shame in therapy if you haven't been

[–] Tristaniopsis@aussie.zone 0 points 7 months ago (1 children)

I’ve been for other issues but it’s more or less all the same: “pull yourself together, stop XYZ”

[–] dulce_3t_decorum_3st@lemmy.world 0 points 7 months ago (1 children)

Have you tried turning it off and on again?

[–] Tristaniopsis@aussie.zone 0 points 7 months ago* (last edited 7 months ago) (2 children)

Thought about turning it off, plenty of times. Off. Right off. Like unplugging it completely.

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[–] Son_of_dad@lemmy.world 1 points 7 months ago

Wife an I met and got married when I was 25 and she was 19. We had some life experience and knew what we wanted. 15 years later, it's still amazing, we're still best friends and inseparable. When I met her I got this weird feeling, like I met someone I had somehow known all my life. It felt like I met my wife in a past life, and was immediately like "oh there you are!" When I met her in this one.

[–] dlrht@lemm.ee 1 points 7 months ago (2 children)

At what age are you supposed to know what you want for the rest of your life? You will never have an answer to that in any capacity, and not just in marriage. You evolve as a person, you'll never have a fixed desire for your whole life. And that's the great thing about marriage and relationships, they also evolve. And it's about who you want to try doing that with

[–] Xttweaponttx@sh.itjust.works 1 points 7 months ago

Wow, well said!

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[–] ULS@lemmy.ml 1 points 7 months ago* (last edited 7 months ago)

It goes up. Now I think people that get married before 40 are weird.

On serious note.... It's any age. You can tell when a couple is just trying to reproduce an image of "family" because they were told it's the next thing to do in life. Working in retail id often see families you could tell just went through the motions and that everyone was disconnected from one another. It's sad.

[–] Wasweissich@lemmy.world 0 points 7 months ago (1 children)

I married at 22 over 20 years ago did not regret a day... I think a happy marriage is just a lot of luck a lot of self reflection and effort. No matter the age it is not a self running maintenance free system

[–] Custoslibera@lemmy.world 0 points 7 months ago (1 children)

Luck is something I didn’t consider.

[–] dudinax@programming.dev 0 points 7 months ago (1 children)

I doubt waiting makes people any luckier in that respect. In the end, it's a gamble.

[–] lunarul@lemmy.world 0 points 7 months ago (1 children)

Two reasons to wait:

  • people in their early 20s are more likely to change dramatically later, so definitely more of a gamble at that age
  • because it's a gamble, you should already be well prepared for life on your own before doing it; that gives you a solid fallback in case things don't work out
[–] dudinax@programming.dev 0 points 7 months ago (1 children)

And on the flip side you might plan out your life to begin when you're thirty, wait until youre wise and wealthy, then suddenly die.

[–] lunarul@lemmy.world 0 points 7 months ago (1 children)

If you live somewhere where life expectancy is close enough to 30 to make that eventuality part of your life choices, then go ahead and marry as a teenager. Don't even wait for 20, marry at 16.

[–] dudinax@programming.dev 0 points 7 months ago (1 children)

Likewise, if you live in a place where nobody dies before they reach their life expectancy, waiting might be a good idea.

[–] lunarul@lemmy.world 1 points 7 months ago* (last edited 7 months ago)

Life expectancy is the age most people live to. Some live less, some live more. You shouldn't make plans heavily counting on one of those exceptions. Don't hurry up to do things just in case you're one of the ones who live less, don't delay things too long because you might live to 120.

Planning for living 30 years only makes sense in a place where most people don't live over that.

[–] Imgonnatrythis@sh.itjust.works 0 points 7 months ago (1 children)

Not going to try to change your mind about this opinion, but I'll take a stab at shaming you for being so vocal about a thought that is very much "othering". Maybe turn down the judgement a bit, you don't know people.

[–] some_guy@lemmy.sdf.org 0 points 7 months ago (1 children)

What's truly insane is people who marry under 20. And if you think it's possible to know who you are and what you want at that age, you have a very simplistic view of the world. Or you're brainwashed by those who reared you, ie you have a very simplistic view of the world.

[–] dudinax@programming.dev 0 points 7 months ago (1 children)

No, teenagers are often gifted with some nugget of wisdom or other about their lives, it's just that parents and random commenters online never believe it.

I knew I wanted to get married and to whom. I also knew it was a good idea. I only waited to mid-twenties because she wasn't sure. 30 years farther along, we're still married and teenaged me is proved right.

Cynical, older, slower me might have screwed it up somehow.

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[–] BluesF@lemmy.world 0 points 7 months ago (1 children)

24 is just as arbitrary an age as 18, change my mind

[–] braxy29@lemmy.world 1 points 7 months ago

someone at 24 has several more years of experience in the adult world. someone at 24 has several more years of neurological development (which isn't complete until around 25). in other words, at 24 someone has better context for decision-making and better decision-making ability than someone who is 18.

[–] Rolando@lemmy.world 0 points 7 months ago (3 children)

Imagine the following scenario: you meet someone in college, and when you graduate at 22 you don't want to split up. They say sure, let's live together, but we need to get engaged; if it doesn't work out we can just break it off. After a year you realize your lives are much better together. You decide to get married but not to have kids until you're 30. If it doesn't work out you can divorce, but you sign a prenup and at least no kids would be involved.

If you both have clear and compatible career goals, that scenario saves you a lot of dating drama and gives you valuable support. I wouldn't call someone in that scenario "weird."

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[–] UnfortunateShort@lemmy.world 0 points 7 months ago* (last edited 7 months ago) (5 children)

I swear some people go out of their way to judge others for the most ridiculous things. Maybe try asking yourself why you are not happy about people finding love without going through half a dozen shitty relationships.

[–] Lucidlethargy@sh.itjust.works 2 points 7 months ago* (last edited 7 months ago) (1 children)

Statistically speaking, 60% of marriages between people aged 20-25 end in divorce. Those who wait have a 25% increased chance of not getting divorced.

[–] blanketswithsmallpox@lemmy.world 0 points 7 months ago (1 children)

So you go from about a 1/2 chance of divorce to about a 1/2 chance of divorce. Got it.

Sounds more like age doesn't really matter and emotional maturity matters more.

[–] A_Very_Big_Fan@lemmy.world 4 points 7 months ago* (last edited 7 months ago)

The difference between 35% and 60% isn't insignificant...

I mean you're not wrong about emotional maturity but the less years you've been alive, the less time you've had to emotionally mature

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[–] Siegfried@lemmy.world 0 points 7 months ago (1 children)

Me 32, i dont have a fucking clue of what i want for the rest of my life. Maybe those couples that married in their early 20s wanted to explore together what they wanted in life. Good for them.

[–] Oka@lemmy.ml 0 points 7 months ago (1 children)

I understand the roots of marriage, but I want a partner who would be ok with parting ways in the future. We live once, why do we have to commit to 1 person for most of it? Things I enjoyed 5 years ago I don't care for now. Tastes change.

[–] MrVilliam@lemmy.world 1 points 7 months ago (1 children)

Marriage isn't for everybody, and that's okay. As long as you aren't stringing partners along who are looking to get married when you already know that you aren't, then your choice doesn't seem to be hurting anybody.

I'm 35 and married. Sure, tastes change, but my wife and I chose good partners in each other; we won't hate each other or get irreparably sick of each other, we make a great team, and we understand each other's limitations and are mature enough to ask for help. We let each other in. There is security and stability in marriage. I'm not great at meeting new people, so not having to go on another first date again is a huge relief for me. Making a good first impression is fucking exhausting. In contrast, I know how my wife is feeling pretty much just by glancing at her, and it's really fulfilling to be on the same wavelength as my partner like that, especially because we're also open communicators who can share the honest, fucked up feelings without worrying about judgment. So we're basically each other's therapist, but we share housework and meals and money, and we snuggle and kiss and fuck. I can understand that that's not appealing to everybody, but it's hard for me to imagine a version of myself who doesn't want this. But again, it's not for everybody, and it's perfectly okay to not want it for yourself.

[–] Oka@lemmy.ml 1 points 7 months ago

Now that's a healthy relationship. I agree marriage isn't for some, just like having kids isn't for some. To each their own, perhaps my views will change in the future.

[–] Lifebandit666@feddit.uk 0 points 7 months ago (1 children)

Met my now wife in high school. We've been together since high school.

We've been married for 5 years now.

I'm 40 next.

So kinda agree with the post, but not the sentiment that if you met your partner early you're weird. I was lucky I met the love of my life so young. Just because you didn't doesn't mean I'm weird, just not as lucky as me.

[–] hamburglar26@wilbo.tech 1 points 7 months ago (1 children)

My wife and I both met at the tail end of college in our early 20s, we knew pretty quickly what we had but we didn't rush things other than moving in with each other after the first year. We didn't get married for another 10 years.

I almost feel like weddings early on can put huge stress on a marriage. Even if you have somebody paying for it all it creates a lot of crap to deal with and you can get forced to meet and deal with a huge amount of new family members all at once instead of slowly integrating into those things over time. We had to pay for our wedding ourselves so had zero rush and invited only who we really wanted to be there, and while it was a blast it was still stressful. But holy shit that limo ride back to the hotel room when it was all over is a top 5 moment in both our lives.

[–] Lifebandit666@feddit.uk 1 points 7 months ago* (last edited 7 months ago)

Yeah we got married on our 18th anniversary of being a couple. I always said I didn't believe in marriage and I still think it's a silly idea to be honest.

My argument was that we had made the choice to be together and to be an exclusive couple. There was zero need to get married to have that. It's a certificate that costs a fortune just to have someone else tell us the terms and conditions of our relationship. I had proposed to her a few years into being together and we just remained engaged for a decade or more.

My Wife had an issue before the marriage where she would get odd looks off some people, some of the time, when our surnames came up. My kids had my surname and she had hers, and there's still a stigma to that from some people.

So she changed her name legally to my surname at some point, so we even had that benefit without technically being married.

Then one day she just said "Hey should we get married? Doesn't have to cost much at this point." I had zero argument against it except the tired old arguements of "It's just a bit of paper, we don't need the State to tell us we're together." So we went ahead, and I picked the date of our anniversary so I didn't have to remember another date.

It was a Monday so that immediately cut the people that didn't wanna book a day off work, and it cost us £500 including food and venue (the pub over the road from our house which didn't open during the day on a Monday). And it was a cracking day. We could just wander home if we needed anything, and when we'd had enough drinking we just toddled over the road.

As for the wedding night, my Wife still ribs me for the fact I just rolled into bed drunk and snored.

What we managed to do was prove that a wedding doesn't need to be too much of a stress, or cost the earth, to be a meaningful event. It's still a high-point in our lives, but we didn't really gain anything from doing it.

One thing I will never understand is the people that think that it's an important part of a relationship. A guy at work was talking about the length of his marriage. He is much older than me and was saying he had been married 40 years. I piped up that we had been together for 23 years and married for 5 and he just replied "Yeah but we've been married for 40 years" like the 18 years before our "ceremony" were meaningless. But this is the same guy that asked me yesterday if I was "A Fucking Puff or something" because I've painted my nails black. There's a generation of people still alive that think like this and honestly, I hope it's gone by the time my kids grow up.

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