I am optimistic that each generation will get better,

I thought this too but then it didn't in a lot of ways and did in some. If we do our best and try to spread that to our kids and our circles, that's the only way. I never in a million years thought we would go so far backwards on so many issues like civil rights, abortion and worker's rights. I know it would be a roller coaster but I didn't think the dips would be that far down.

I’m convinced that the intentions you have don’t mater that much. It’s how well you’ve managed to solve your own problems that determines how fucked up your kid is going to be.

I don't have kids but a lot of my friends do, I have hope for that generation of kids.

I didn't mean to discount that experience. My parents were shitty sometimes but they really did love us, I know that's not always the case.

Everyone has problems. And everyone thinks they are above them and have moved past them. I think it's more realistic to just love your kids and hope that you do just a little bit better than your parents did. Just like every generation is smarter than the last maybe in time the planet will be less fucked up.

You know your situation better than anyone so feel free to ignore this if I'm way off base.

But I'm guessing two things here:

1. Your parents were able to provide you with things you needed as a child. Perhaps things like college and clothes on your back were the things you needed to grow into a fulfilled and happy person. But maybe your brother needed your mom to control her emotions better during an episode. Maybe he needed your dad to be predictable and consistent instead of drinking and behaving in ways that were irritating or unpredictable from a child's perspective.

2. You might not be fully acknowledging some of the things they did (or didn't do) that made you feel bad when you were little. It doesn't have to be physical abuse for it to have an impact on you. We know now that children form attachment styles at least partially based on how their parents responded to their cries during infancy. Kids can be amazingly resilient, but also incredibly delicate.

Also, the odds that they treated you differently based on birth order, their age when they had each of you, gender, your personalities, etc. is very high.

You should ask your brother what really bothers him deep down. I'll bet you get some tears and probably some very deep, very impactful memories/feelings about your parents.

If you asked my younger, more relaxed brother about our parents, he would say, "Yeah man dad's a dick for drinking and bailing on us, and mom likes to guilt trip us but oh well."

I would be the one to explain how their constant fighting, dad's drinking/drugging, mom's emotional manipulation and authoritarian parenting, etc. made me feel deeply unsafe and insecure as a child. I felt bad about myself and my life. I wished I could get a letter from Hogwarts more than anything. And when our father got so into drugs that he became absent completely, I felt lonely and abandoned. Took me many years to make peace with it and realize he was really sick and struggling.

The thing is, I suspect that I've actually come a lot further in my healing than my brother has. I don't think he's aware of some of the things he does or why he does them. Any chance your brother is actually onto something here?

man i don't even understand why they do that, it very obviously doesn't work and means that when you actually need to shout at the child they'll ignore it since you always shout at them

oftentimes it's straight up more effective (though maybe not quite the correct option) to simply ignore them, which i would think is easier than screaming, but what do i know

Thank you. The grieving has actually been both smooth & intense, with ups & downs, but I'm gradually doing better, as is my mom.

But anyway, the meme is accurate. :P I just have a more sensitive feeling about it given recent events.

It will heal in death. Our deaths. And then no one will be traumatised ever again! Because no more humans exist! The system is perfect!

Edit: I seem to have had a stroke: If we do not have children, only THEN will no one be traumatised again. Please excuse my sieve of a brain.

I don't want to be anti-natalist. I wish we could make sure that our children will have better lives than we do, and I will fight to make that true. But for now, the guilt is too much for me.

Literally what every one of my clients with childhood trauma says. I'm a therapist. I can think of one exception where the parents kind of listened and tried to atone, but that's it.

In my country, there's a saying, "The one who hurts forgets, the one hurt remember."