Asklemmy

That Family Guy scene where Stewie says "mom, mom, mommy, mommy" over and over again and then runs out of the room

My one cat very agressively tells me each day when I get home that I must pick him and give him scritches right now.

My other cat speaks in secrets with the demons that reside in the dark corners of my home at night.

My dog judges my parenting. She barks and snorts if I don't help the kids quickly enough.

My cat does this bark/chirp and gives me this frustrated confused look. He’s essentially saying “Me, attention me” while he stretches his hands at me and “pretends” it’s just stretching.

He thinks he’s clever but I got him all figured out.

My wife and I make up what my cat says. She has "conversations" with us. If we say something to her, she meows back. So we will say things like "what should we make for dinner?" And of course she just says "meow!" And we say, "no, I don't want kibble for dinner. Think of something else." So she again says, "meow!" And we say, "no, I don't want canned wet food either!"

IT'S TIME TO GET UP! IT'S TIME TO EAT! I WANT TO GO OUT AND PLAY BALL!

THE GUY WHO BRINGS BOXES IS HERE AGAIN AND HE'S REALLY GOING TO KILL US ALL THIS TIME!!!

I WANT TO GO OUT AND PLAY BALL! IT'S TIME TO EAT!

I WANT TO GO OUT AND PLAY BALL!

It's time for bed.

As the owner of a cat who's both talkative and a picky eater, it's usually

"DAD I'M HUNGRYYYYYY"

And

"DAD I'M NOT HUNGRY FOR THAT HOW DARE YOU FEED ME THAT I'D RATHER STARVE"

My hamster is a fucking primadonna hipster who works out 8 hours a day.

"Pellets..? Really..? Don't you know they're full of carbs...OH!! Fruit snacks!! I need energy!!"

"Carrots and dill treat? No thanks. I only eat the cranberry ones." *Drags treat over to his pooping corner and leaves it there.

Me: "Did you just flush that treat down the toilet..?"

At 1:30 AM "I'm going to the gym!" *Pushes hamster wheel up against the side of his cage for maximum banging and clattering noises, then proceeds to go on a brisk run for 2 hours.

When I'm feeding him. "You may pick me up and pet me human, I consent. I like warm hands."

When I need to clean his cage. "Bad touch, bad touch! I do not consent! I will bite you!"

If my guinea pigs are in their cage they're yelling at me to get them some veggies from the fridge. But if they're in my bedroom they just chatter which I assume is general banter.

We have two dogs and two cats. All of them talk, but our husky mix is in a class by himself. He carries on detailed conversations all the time. If he could form consonants as well as vowels he would just speak English. And occasionally he sings the blues, quite beautifully.

Denali: "Both cats are on the bed, although Sue is hiding in the headboard. There are three rabbits out back near the windows. Three people are walking dogs somewhere on our streets. And the postman is running late today." Me: "Okay, thanks for the status report." Denali: "That was just the summary. Let me give you the details..."

My cat is always either telling me he wants to go outside unsupervised, or that he wants my food instead of his.

It is mostly complaining about the hardships of life as a creature without any responsibilities whatsoever.

Both kitties:

Athena: Hungry! I'm hungry! I know it's not dinner time, but I'd be happy to eat now if you're ready!

Nova: I know you love me and I want you to pet me. Stop doing whatever you're doing, I want attention. I love you back.

or

Nova: I'm ready to play, idiot. Pick up this toy I dragged across the room.

Why is my food bowl empty???

What are you eating, can i have some?!?

That will be about 80% of the conversation based on my experience.

My dog has two modes: Sleepy on the couch and "THIS IS THE FIRST TIME YOU HAVE EVER TOUCHED A LEASH OH MY GOD I'M GOING FOR A WALK I NEED TO TELL THE WORLD" ...she gets walks daily, she is just super hyped up about them, and nothing else.

My dog lets me know when there are kids/people/squirrels in the playground that is visible from my window.

My (now passed) kitty would smell when I opened a can of tuna from several rooms away and sprint in screaming "YESSSSSS FUCKIN TUNAAAAAAA" despite knowing he was on a diet. I miss his screaming.

My silly boy cat likes to announce everything he's about to do. Jump up on something? Go use the kitty litter? Karate kick the door open because he wants food right now (he just did that while I was typing this, it is the only way he knows how to open doors) it's all just little baby innocent sounding meows.

Then when he gets the zoomies, he enjoys a good yodel at the top of his lungs.

Then my sweet little girl cat just enjoys chattering away at me. She also has little high pitched baby meows and sometimes does a call and response with me when I say her name. She's honestly such a sweetheart. I get the impression that when she chatters at me, she's telling me how excited and happy she is.

"You're pouring a glass of milk. I want milk too. Please assist." - my tortie

Best I can figure since I don't know the language:

Girl cat: "Mrep" is "Hey I see you/Hello/Aloha/Nameste" "Mrow" is "Gimme cheek rubs" "Mrp" is "I like you"

Boy cat: "Murp" is "Look at my belly/wanna play?" "Murrow" is "Pick me up and carry me around" "Mrayer!" Is "Don't leave me, pick me back up!"

Someone is walking on the street! Must protect the house!

Bird landed on the lawn! Must protect!

I walked up the stairs! You know if I'm afraid of heights, help help!

YOU accidentally touched the leash. We must walk now!

My cat didn't use to, but now she's very talkative when she's happy. I guess I reinforced it 🤷‍♂️... Because now she'll chirp, purr, and meow when curling up on me, when I come home from being gone a few days, and when I give her treats... She's the best.

"Delivery! Delivery!" (Includes usps, UPS, FedEx, Amazon, door dash)

Also "cat! Cat! Cat! Play please!"

Sometimes (rarely, if she eats don't she shouldn't have) in the middle of the night "my tummy hurts, I need to go outside"

"I need to go outside, please. There's something out there I want to bark at"

I had a cat named murderous nightmare that used to talk to me. Even have a video of it from my wife’s phone. She would yell at me while I was dressing to go to work, when I was cooking dinner and when I got home from anywhere.

this was a fucking adorable thread thanks op

Got a Husky/Shepard/Mut.

She's a drama queen. Doesn't help that we have a child (not her) now. She gets very jealous, but only in a way she just talks at us and tries to get pets (nothing aggressive to our child). She (secretly, or at least she thinks she's secretive) loves them though, she's definitely been protective around them with people/other dogs at times.

Other than that, whenever she feels like it I guess? Laying down, gotta let out a big sigh. Lost a ball under the couch, better whine. Hear the sound of her people in a video, gotta join in on the howling. Saw a bear on the TV, protect mode.

She's a big dork and we love her so much. All the sounds are just a feature, not a bug haha.

I found a thing

My cats are always always nagging me to take my medication. The arrogant bastards!

get those FluentPet buttons (or similar, from whichever company) and find out! these days, you can literally find out what they're saying.

Mostly to tell me that they've never had food or pets ever in their whole lives and that it's a tragic void in their lives that needs to be filled.

Usually, "Pay attention to me!" Sometimes immediately followed by, "You're paying attention to me!"

You are thinking about making salmon and I expect to be given most, if not all, of it. For this reason, I will not be eating my own food to save room. Also I want to sleep outside tonight even though I can see it is stormy and raining.

Later that night: WTF let me in! Can't you see it's raining out here!?

Rooahroo opera singing mostly, which means "You're home you're home you came hooome muuuuuuuum!" And further rooarraows which means in a singsong voice "A WALK a WALK we are going a walk!" Soft aroos mean "I love you" Various tones of low roo sounds mean she needs me to notice something, to warn me about something, or wants me to open a door or is not feeling well.

Other talking includes letting me know about the other dogs around us and whether or not they are safe and friendly. We have big conversations about this. There's also "I'm sleepy, I'm doing a big yawn mum look" There's the obvious danger growl. Sometimes she'll tell me about how comfortable she is, or will soon be. We properly talk and have conversations, she is very good at expressing herself. Or I understand her well. Both.