Asklemmy

I asked a man with boxing training to hit me in the face so I could try to be prepared in a fight. When I woke up he said he didn't think I was going to not block or anything.

I did the one about jumping upwards under a shelf recently-ish, so instead I'll share the time I tried to stand on an exercise ball to reach something. Of course, I didn't make it, and did a faceplant into some hard cube bins.

Most recently? Cleaning snow. The driceway is short and at a slight slope, and is on the north side of the house. The sun warms just enough of it to melt snow, but the water seeps down to the shaded area created by the house and refreezes. I cleaned all the snow, noted the slippery patch, and did a good jub avoiding it. Wouldn’t you know it, just as I finished the work I forgot about the patch and stepped in it snd went down immediately. Hurt my wrist, pretty durecit was a hood sprain. Sill hurts today if I apply the right pressure, and it’s been a few weeks since i landed on it.

September of 2006 I was cleaning the house and had just finished mopping the upstairs bathroom and was taking the mop and broom back downstairs when my wet shoe slipped on the hardwood stairs (No carpet or treed). I fell down 8 steps landing on the landing. At first I thought I was fine, but when I stood up I instantly fell down. It was at this moment I noticed on the wall was a streak of blood about 3 feet long. Touching my temple revealed a good bit of chiseled spam. So it's possible during the initial fall, I slammed my head into the wall and knocked myself out for a moment. Though I've never been able to figure out if that is in fact the way it happened. I have no memory of hitting my head though.

That wasn't the part that really hurt me though. I realized I had no control over my right leg. It didn't "hurt" really, but it was just hanging at an odd angle. Not know exactly how hurt I was, and not sure what else to do, I called 911 and an ambulance ride later had me in the ER. 6 hours of tests and waiting and it was revealed I had shredded my patellar Tendon.

The next morning I had a surgery that was supposed to last 3 hours, it ended up lasting 7 because the surgeon accidentally cut into an artery in my leg and I lost a great deal of blood before they could get the bleeding to stop. I ended up having to have 3 pints of blood to stabilize me before they could continue sewing my tendon back up. The way it was described to me was like trying to sew together to wet mop heads. I spent the next year of my life on my back before PT to learn to walk again. I gained 200 lbs in the year and it took me nearly 15 years to get the weight back off, I'm still struggling to get the rest of it gone.

To this day I have trouble walking, major back issues, and tons of nerve damage on my right side that I'll have till the day I die.

Lifting weights on a machine instead of free weights. Trust yourself, not a machine.

Went for a motorcycle ride when it was 12 degrees fahrenheit. I was warm with some heated gear, but I was on my Street Triple with Pirelli Rosso III tires. I stopped at a store for a while and didn't think about the tires being cold. Gave it a bit too much throttle when leaving and the rear end slid at about 15 MPH. My leg went down first and it snapped my left MCL. I could barely walk for a month as it healed and had to go through physical therapy. My leg is solid now, but there's some nerve damage from the bike landing on my leg, which decides to make itself known occasionally.

When I was a child, I used to gallop down the stairs like you'd see a lot of people doing in everyday life. I got to a point in my puberty that I had grown just enough to slam my head into the wooden stud at the bottom of my stairs going into the basement.

I'm pretty sure my IQ went down by about 25% that day.

Got born

Anyone who knows me that on the ice rink I turn into the human equivalent of a scruffed cat. My friend wanted to see me skate and I didn't want to disappoint so I ended up launching myself by pushing off of a wall. Suffice to say I ended up landing square on my butt! 😂

So this is half on me, and half on my father. (I inherited my "stupid idea" gene.

When I was 16 my dad was building a greenhouse on our small acreage. Frame was up, everything was ready and it became time to lay down the heavy clear plastic sheeting that would form the surface.

As he was up in the top nailing down each corner, it was my job to hold each corner down as tight as I could from the ground by using a rope attached to the corner of the sheet. (I don't know if i'm describing this properly).

Any way, my father's fault in the story is this: The only "rope" we could find was baler twine. It's thin, coarse, and can easily slice like a saw. We secured a long piece of it to the corner of the sheeting and my job was to basically "tug of war" the corner in order to keep it taut for my father to secure.

Anyone raised in the country already sees exactly where I'm going with this...

MY stupid part in this story is this...

In an attempt to get a better purchase on the baler twine, I wrapped it a few times around my hand, through my fingers, etc...

Did I mention it was a bit windy that day? So a guest of wind took the corner and ripped it out of my hands, with the twine literally zipping through my fingers, slicing them nearly to the bone because friction + baler twine = weirdly effective saw.

Four fingers on my right hand were left with ring scars from where the twine zipped through them and my right hand was out of action for about a week

I needed to fill the medicine boxes for me and my partner, and I had a few bottles of medicines I just got that I needed to put in, so I’m carrying them down the stairs, one of the bottles falls out of my hand, lands like a wheel on a stair, I step on it, and I fall down 3 stairs. My butt and elbow hurt and I was so mad. 😡

This was yesterday, btw.

Thought that the discomfort in overhead presses and triceps dips was something I should push through. The result was that I tore both a rotator cuff muscle and the labrum i~~b~~n one of my shoulders. I'm still recovering from the surgery to put my shoulder back together. :|

When I finished my exams at school, I felt exuberant, and a group of us ended up at the village playground. For some reason I perched myself on one end of a see-saw and got a "friend" to jump out of a tree onto the other end.

While he was in mid flight I reevaluated my choice, and tried for a safe dismount. I nearly made it but one foot was still on the seat. That foot went up by what felt like a mile in the space of 0.003 seconds and I did a flip onto my head. Dazed, I immediately tried to push myself up and the see-saw caught me on the downstroke. Blood everywhere. Stitches in my head.

Many ways. in order from first to last the ones that I remember and qualify as stupid are:

When I was very young i put a toy into a coal fire, regretted my decision and tried to retrieve the molten plastic.

I tried to carry a pan of boiling chickpeas over my shoulder and ended up spilling it down my back

I tried cycling down a steep hill while holding an ice-cream and hurt my nuts on the stem of the handlebars when I had to stop.

Went down a steep hill on a scooter and stopped on my head (this one required stitches).

Worked on a boat without a helmet and got slapped in the side of the head with a crane hook.

Tried jumping over a Wheely bin while rat-arsed and face planted on the pavement.

There are plenty more accidents that were just shitty luck, but these are the avoidable ones.

Edit: I also managed to slice open my finger with a kitchen knife while removing the seed from a mango.

There was a row of chairs (touching each other) at work that are purposefully very heavy. I wanted to look under the chairs, so I was lifting them one at a time. The last one was a corner chair and a lot heavier. I stuck my head behind the last chair to look under it, dropped it, and caught my jaw. It hurt like fuck but fortunately didn’t do any actual damage.

When I was in middle school, on an organized camping trip to a lake where we would work on our canoeing skills, another kid and I started to horseplay. We were struggling over who could take a specific canoe paddle. My opponent held the handle, and I the blade. We each tried using the paddle to shove at the other & cause them to lose control, thereby securing the paddle for our own exclusive use.

Nevermind that there were a dozen other equally good paddles laying around unclaimed, we had to fight over that specific paddle.

I wound up losing my grip right as my opponent shoved. The blade hit me square on the bridge of my nose. I bled like crazy.

It wasn’t until several years afterwards that I realized how perilously close I had come to losing one or both eyes.

I fell off an electric scooter and broke my wrist, I have a titanium plate in there now.

I had a very sturdy, energetic dog who loved chasing a thrown ball. He was tied to a long rope (about 100 feet). I did not pay attention to where the rope was and threw the ball and he exploded from my side and flew like a rocket after the ball. The rope, unfortunately, was tied to a tree in the direction I was throwing but was curled behind me. I was wearing shorts and as the rope started to be pulled away, it pulled up against both of my calves and abraded all of the skin from the backs of my legs away in a moment, and then the rope was pulled taught, deftly swiping both of my legs out from underneath me, dropping me backwards onto my head on a stone patio, splitting my scalp and spraying blood all over my white canvas outdoor furniture. The dog looked very proud for catching the ball when he loped up to me afterwards.

I was making whipped cream with an electric hand mixer while talking to someone at the same time. While talking and looking at them, I wanted to turn off the machine, but as I didn't look at it, I put my hands right into the whisk instead of the switch I was trying to reach. Out of pain and shock, instead of turning it off with the other hand, I moved the switch in the wrong direction to its maximum and broke my finger.

Got a concussion in a pillow fight. I was in the top bunk in a lean-to at summer camp when I was maybe 13 or 14. Forgetting the low ceiling above me, I jumped to my feet, planning on launching a pillow at someone poking around another bed. Promptly slammed my head into the ceiling, knocked myself out and wound up going to the doctor shortly after. Pretty sure I still have a disc somewhere with images of the small minor brain bleeding I got as a result.

Cooking. Took a tray out of the oven and put in on the top. Turned to grab a spatula and caught the edge of the tray with the loose end of the oven glove.

As it slid off the top my dumb ass quickly grabbed for it with my ungloved hand, missed, and just pressed the searing hot tray into my stomach and thighs.

Two pies on the floor, that while I was whimpering in the cold shower upstairs, the dog ate.

As a bored kid waiting for my turn on the family computer in the basement, while waiting for my older brother to finish, I once stapled a finger. Don't remember which, but it was just really dumb.

Broke my wrist by blocking a gigantic remote control car flying directly at me at 50 MPH and I was the person controlling it.

I was carrying a hoover downstairs and slipped. The hoover fell down the stairs faster than me and stopped at the bottom obviously. The wire had partially unspooled and the very British three prong plug was sitting on the ground, pointing straight towards the sky.

Guess where my arse landed once I had finished slipping down the carpeted stairs?

Got my ponytail stuck in my armpit somehow, twisted my head rapidly to look at something and yanked on it. Not fun.

Broke first bone as an adult playing Pokémon Go on release night

Fell asleep drunk. Knocked over a beer as I went to sleep. Thought, “I’ll worry about that in the morning.”

Must have woke up to go to the bathroom and slipped cause I smashed my head on the corner of a coffee table. Ambulance. Thirteen stitches. Scar covered by hair. Home looked like a murder scene from me steadying myself against the walls with blood on my hands.

Motorcycle training course had a section where you drive fast and when they drop their hand/blow a whistle you emergency brake. Then they check stopping distance. My old bike was front drum brake, the course bikes were modern with front disc. I clamped the front brake too hard and supermanned over the handle bars and broke my wrist. I did the rest of course (4hours) with a broken wrist because ending early would mean signing back up on the waiting list. At the end of day you sign your licensed. I could barely write.

I have many stories how I either accidentally cut into my fingers or break the bones. But most of them was pretty logical (still stupid tho) why it happened but one time was I going to lift up my friend + the chair they sat on for the lols and my ring fingers bone broke... I don't know how... Your guess is as good as mine

When I was about 4, I was jumping on the sofa, back and forth from one arm to the other (because the middle was lava, obviously)

Misjudged it and ended up going headfirst off the end into a china cabinet next to it, glass doors and all - I ended up missing the first month of school, 32 stitches and basically half a Glasgow smile to show for it, I'm told it looks very cool

I fell off a first floor balcony, helping in a move. Landed on a bush, bounced off it, and came to a stop on a stone paved floor, after breaking a kitchen cabinet with my shoulder and back.

Cut my brow on a twig in the bush, twisted my left ankle, scraped my left shoulder, elbow and hand.

Would do it again.

Hadn't I leaned too forward to release a foot of the cabinet, it would have tumbled down onto another person, with no warning, straight into their head.

So... worth the scars and bruises.

Partially tore three quadriceps muscles and two calf muscles break dancing at an arcade bar when I was black out drunk. Just didn’t know when to quit until it was too late. Both my primary doctor and the person who did the MRI thought it was hilarious. To be fair, it was.

Broke my nail once because i had my finger where the door hinge was and kid me was the not the brightest tool in the shed

Also I have really bad scarring from when I used shaving cream and whatever I did fucked up my leg enough that I just have a bunch of dot scars now which is partially why I only wear long pants now

I was stuck at home for several weeks after a back injury. I was on Vicodin and could barely get out of bed, no tv. So I started beating it. Well, with Vicodin, it makes it very difficult to finish and I lost track of time. By the time I had finished, I realized I've been at it for 5 hours. My dick hurt for 4 days afterwards, and the Vicodin didn't really help with that pain.

Unzipped my fly at the urinal, started my business, unconsciously learned forward towards the end - as one does - and smashed my face against the wall in slow-motion with 15 drunken dudes silently watching because I forgot I have no toes.

No one? 'Airlock'. Is this 2160 or something?

Just now. I was reading this thread and grinning at other people's misfortune so my wife decided I should join them and bit me 😵