No Stupid Questions

I feel the same way a lot, but I realize that the negative feelings are what I associate with my life, not a true reflection of how my life has been.

Maybe I haven't done all the things I've dreamed or used my days effectively; why does that matter in the end? I've been lucky enough to afford a home, food, a loving pet, create friendships, experience love.

Also I tend to underestimate the accomplishments I have done. Having your eyes set on the horizon can cause you to miss the shells in the sand.

Eh I wasted a lot of time in my 20s could've been more aggressive about a career/family compared to other people... but I'm not other people. Think I needed that time to figure my own head out

I feel you.

I'm in my forties. Lost my job a few months back and it's been a harsh realization that I'm a failure at everything I've ever done.

I don't have any real advice, hell I can't figure my own shit out either. I just want you to know if you need to vent you've got people who understand.

I’ve felt that way a lot in my life. I dropped out of college and lived essentially in my parents basement until my mid 20s. Turns out I had a bad case of undiagnosed depression and ADHD. I kinda naturally worked my way out of the depression mostly. I’ve fallen back in a few times. And that entire time I could think about anything but how little I’ve done with my life. How boring I must sound talking to anyone because I have zero experiences. But about 8 years ago, I got diagnosed and medicated.

I’m just some average guy, now with 2 kids and a wife, and I work 55 hours a week. It took a lot of work and finding good medications for me, but I’m honestly the happiest I’ve ever been. And I recently noticed I don’t dwell on comparing myself to others anymore and it’s been freeing. I don’t need to be distinguished for anything more than being a good father, husband, and human. And that’s enough for me.

Well... no and yes.

No - I don't feel like I've wasted my life. I feel like I'm supposed to feel that way, and I know that many (most?) people looking from the outside in would believe that I have, but I just don't feel that way. I'm content, and as far as i can tell, that's the only thing that matters.

Ah, but there's the rub - I'm content. It sounds as if you're not.

Unfortunately, the only thing I can definitely recommend is to try to assess your own feelings and figure out if you really are discontented or if you're just going along with the idea that you should be.

But if you really are discontented... I guess I could say to try to look at what it is that you really value (which is likely not coincidentally what you've mostly done with your time) and try to actually feel the value in it.

But I have no idea how that's done, since its apparently just something that I do naturally.

Sorry if that doesn't heip...

People always flaunt and embellish their accomplishments, especially online. You're comparing yourself to liars and attention-seekers. You gotta find the path that brings you satisfaction, not material reward or approval from your peers.

The important thing is that you feel satisfied with what you do or achieve. In my family there is a lot of pressure to be “successful” but after a while I decided that I have to be happy with whatever things I can achieve, and believe me, after that change in my mindset, good things began to happen with apparently no efforts. So as other ones are saying, believe en yourself, don’t be so harsh on your past or decisions, and remember that there is no race or goals you need to get, you create your own life.

If i am making stuff and it effects the tiny bit of the community i felt fulfilled.

At 17 I was a total waste of space. Didn't even attempt to get my life together until I was about 23, and even then it was a long process. I barely even graduated high school.

Now I'm 32 and I'm that guy people are jealous of that "has his life together". I've got a family, a good career, an education - all the societal boxes are checked.

I don't think anybody really has their life "together", though. We're all just trying to get through life as best we can. I'm not necessarily any more "happy" now than I was at 17, I've just had more time to improve my situation a little at a time. Just live your life, my dude.

Starting my life from scratch in late twenties again. Learned 99% about life in the past couple of solitary nothing-to-do years, or I'll just say, my thinking/ doing has changed completely. Now, I'm having a hard time relating to things other people relate to. Spending a lot of time alone surely is life changing. When you start to believe in nothing, you have a hard time dealing with people.

I went to high school with a couple of people who went on to do truly incredible, world class things. Both of then in fields I treated as a hobby / entertainment. Meanwhile, I've been midlevel mediocre at everything.

And I figured out years too late that I completely blew it when it came to three separate relationships, any one of which would have been life changing for the good. I was just very, very stupid and thought relationships came around like a bus service.

Now that I'm much older it grieves deeply me all the things I took for granted. All the missed opportunities. All because of some mix of laziness, lack of a long term perspective, lack of focus, lack of self discipline, and cowardice. Looking back, I realize many of my peers were more mature and focused.

I have to accept that I am a fundamentally unremarkable person and have burned up most of my good years of potential. I try not to dwell on these dark thoughts all of the time. But there's no way to truly come to peace with it.

I don't care much about "leaving a legacy". Just wish I'd made better decisions, especially when it comes to finding and keeping a loving partner.

One of the biggest rules I adhere to that has changed my life is "Nothing is supposed to be anything"

A carpenter and his apprentice were walking together through a large forest. And when they came across a tall, huge, gnarled, old, beautiful oak tree, the carpenter asked his apprentice: “Do you know why this tree is so tall, so huge, so gnarled, so old and beautiful?” The apprentice looked at his master and said: “No…why?”

“Well,” the carpenter said, “because it is useless. If it had been useful it would have been cut long ago and made into tables and chairs, but because it is useless it could grow so tall and so beautiful that you can sit in its shade and relax.”

Source: Henri Nouwen, Out of Solitude (Ave Maria Press, 1974, 2004), pages 26-27

Without getting super philosophical, what do you believe the goal of life is?

It's very easy to look at people that are allegedly achieving more than us and believe that there is something wrong with us or that we can do more, etc. This type of comparisons invite introspection and can be helpful sometimes to motivate oneself, but most of the times they are a road to depression.

Here is how I look at it: if I died tomorrow would I be okay with who I am? Of course I want to do more, grow, make an impact, etc, but ultimately IMHO life is about whatever you want it to be. There is no ultimate goal, there is no recipe, we ultimately all die.

Enjoy life right now. Don't worry too much about what other people are doing and create your own meaning.

Being a kind, generous person, being a good, supportive friend, such things matter so much more than having a startup or some patent. There are plenty of people who have "success" in the latter sense (often because they are good at bullshitting, boasting, marketing) but are - overall - a drain on society and their surroundings in terms of the first.

They likely have their own insecurities and demons as well. Likely have the same feeling as you about others with a different context. Be a hobbyist. Experiment and find your "calling" or passion. I've never personally really tried to pace with people as they are on their own journey as well. Friendly competition has always helped but it was agreed upon items (running X amount of miles a week, getting A,B,C, qualifications together).

Maybe I am the wrong person to answer, but no. I've had one hell of a life so far. I worked in television, I interned for the Walt Disney Company, I served in the military, and as a result, traveled the world and lived in Europe. I even was a part of the convoy that recused Joe Biden in Afghanistan (my role was minor but I was there). All of that started because I didn't want to stay in my hometown and left to pursue something much more interesting.

Funny...as I age I tend to have a similar view. But we're told hindsight is 20/20. The one motivating factor for me is the fact that a lot of what I have accomplished has made a difference to those who have shared in it. Which, to me, means we're doing incredible things people envy just at a different scale. Besides..there may not be a tomorrow, but there is always a today to do something better.

“Perhaps I'm old and tired, but I think that the chances of finding out what's actually going on are so absurdly remote that the only thing to do is to say, "Hang the sense of it," and keep yourself busy. I'd much rather be happy than right any day.” ― Douglas Adams

I was lucky in this regard, to have someone who has the drive to create and do things as my roommate. And also another roommate, who was the exact opposite - your standard "go to work, and then watch netflix all the time". First of all, seeing the contrast between those two was eye opening.

And second, the drive is infectious. I usually don't manage to find the motivation to do things on my own, and tend to procrastrinate. But having someone who has the drive, and just joining his projects, will get you the motivation. The best advice for life I can give to anyone is to surround themselves with people who have hobbies you want to have, to join communities and offer help as a volunteer with running it (this is important - don't just join as a lurker, but as a volunteer). Sure, you may not be good at it - but you're no longer doing it for yourself, which will usually end with me giving it up - but the community depends on you. And that's something that helped me tremendously with learning new things, or just getting out and doing something.

Thanks to that, we have a indie studio that is working on a game in our free time. I'm also helping with organizing and DJing at events for our smaller music subculture, because I just offered my help to volunteer and help with it, which has also prompted me to start learning how to do stage lighting, so I can make the parties better - which was a hobby I wanted to do, but never found the motivation. I was volunteering at gamedev conferences, where I've met amazing people that eventually landed me a job, while also not having to pay the ticket for the conference. I have joined a group that organizes LARPs, and even though I had basically nothing to offer aside from a pair of hands and my time, just being in the group chat was inspiring - and it's only a matter of time before someone asks "Hey, we need someone to do projection mapping, can anyone do that?", and you'll be like "Never done that, but I can try". And now you're not just doing it for yourself, so you will get better motivation to do that.

So, if you don't have the drive or motivation to do stuff on your own - find someone to do it with, who has the drive, and help him. It is infectious. Everything I now do in my free time, be it stage ligthning, DJing or projection, I had no experience with when I offered my help to the group of organizers that were doing it. Sure, at first the only thing I did was carry stuff from place A to place B, but just being around those people, in their groupchat and part of the planning they do for events, eventually led to the "I've never done that, but I can try learning it". And if it doesn't work? Well, in cases like that I was the only one willing to try, so the alternative would be to not have the thing in the first place, and if I said "Hey, I tried, it's not gonna work", then nothing was lost.

Also - watch this video. While it's not exactly about finding motivation, it shows that it's ok to not be the guy coming up with ideas, but the world needs more people who are willing to help the people with drive and motivation and embrace their thing.

100% of my life was wasted.

Between mental health, medical issues, abusive family, abusive girlfriends, etc.

My entire life is a festering black void of nothing.

What's the point of people inventing all this cool stuff if nobody else sits down to enjoy the improvements though? Think of all the people who are actively RUINING the world right now. As long as you're not one of them, its all good.

My one friend, Rob Antecki, was a scientist and musician on the verge of working towards a treatment to prolong the human life-span, maybe even eventually ending the aging process. He worked his life whole towards that goal! Then one day in his late 40's, he was coming home from the fundraiser for his new biotech startup and whammo, hit another car, died on the spot. He never achieved his goal of ending aging or got his music app company going. His business partners will be lucky if they can even salvage his work because its so high level few people on the planet can understand it.

There's like 10 billion people in the world. If you try to measure yourself against everyone else, well, that's your choice, but there's always a bigger fish. There's also some people who begin the race farther ahead with more money, more connections, family of legacy, etc. Success is not the measure of a soul's worth or a life's pursuit. To better oneself though, it is a noble goal. That is not connected to changing the world, only changing yourself.

In the end everybody's life is wasted. Of 120 billion or so humans who have ever lived only a couple of hundred thousand even have more than the most basic details recorded about them. In 100 years you will be a distant name, in 1000 more no one will know you ever existed. Just live however you are comfortable with and quit worrying about wasting it.

I spend a lot of time searching for evidence that the true percentage isn't actually 100%.

Nah. I look back at Tesla. One of the greatest people to have blessed our planet. Certainly among the top if not the top inventor to have existed. But I don't envy any part of his life.

How about Turing? Another great example. The father of computer science and AI. A great person too. One of the most accomplished human beings, even back when he was alive. I don't envy any part of his life.

I sure have picked unfortunate examples. But these should highlight how success alone isn't enough. I don't think life satisfaction lies in obtaining more, but rather wanting less. If you observe well, you'll notice people living very simple lives and being very happy while at it. How about the wealthiest person, Musk. Does he look satisfied with life and happy? I don't think a happy person would behave that way.

If you have so little, then perhaps you can afford greater risks. If you can't afford greater risks, then perhaps you don't have so little.

There are an infinite number of things you can do with your finite amount of time on this earth, so keep in mind you can never do everything! Comparing to other people isn’t productive, but measuring your own satisfaction can be. I’d try making a plan for your leisure time to begin with, and get outside a lot more, nature is so satisfying and calming. Remember that it’s amazing to be here and alive at all, no matter what you’re doing, so try to enjoy every moment with that thought in mind.

Edit spelling.

i am going to tell you some universal truths.

1. first truth: you will not fully understand these truths. though i list them here clearly, you will still learn them the hard way.

2. do not compare yourself to others. regardless of how you measure their success, you will find only a brief moment of satisfaction upon outdoing them, followed swiftly by regret, insecurity, and, not long after that, emotional crisis.

3. financial and professional success are antithetical to happiness and fulfillment at least as often as they aren't.

4. you can only ever know yourself. everyone's life is a series of choices. only you can know what choices are the right ones for you. you cannot know anyone else's choices. you cannot know if anyone else is making the right or wrong choices. you cannot know what motivates others. your dataset for anyone else is so incomplete as to prevent the drawing of any good conclusions. no good reason to compare yourself to anyone. but when you do, there's no good reason to feel bad about it, or good about it, and certainly no good reason to feel bad instead of good.

5. what follows is a cliche, but it is not a cliche: your life begins now, and now, and now. you can only do something now. not back then and not in a bit. now. really understand this. if you're not happy now, it's because you keep doing things that make you unhappy. now, if you're not happy now, it's because you're still not doing anything to make yourself happy. what are you doing to make yourself unhappy?

6. you're making yourself unhappy. it's not them making you unhappy. they might be doing things you're not happy with, but you're the one doing unhappiness. now, if you want to bank all your happiness and fulfillment on outdoing these people, that's fine, but it's going to be awhile. years, decades, you're entire life, perhaps. but, don't forget number 2: happiness can't be found on this route. i wonder what it would look like, what choices you'd have to make, to be happy, and much sooner?

let me know how it goes. also, apologies for the length. it's all stream of consciousness and i'm to lazy to edit.

homework: read The Tao of Pooh

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