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i am going to tell you some universal truths.
first truth: you will not fully understand these truths. though i list them here clearly, you will still learn them the hard way.
do not compare yourself to others. regardless of how you measure their success, you will find only a brief moment of satisfaction upon outdoing them, followed swiftly by regret, insecurity, and, not long after that, emotional crisis.
financial and professional success are antithetical to happiness and fulfillment at least as often as they aren't.
you can only ever know yourself. everyone's life is a series of choices. only you can know what choices are the right ones for you. you cannot know anyone else's choices. you cannot know if anyone else is making the right or wrong choices. you cannot know what motivates others. your dataset for anyone else is so incomplete as to prevent the drawing of any good conclusions. no good reason to compare yourself to anyone. but when you do, there's no good reason to feel bad about it, or good about it, and certainly no good reason to feel bad instead of good.
what follows is a cliche, but it is not a cliche: your life begins now, and now, and now. you can only do something now. not back then and not in a bit. now. really understand this. if you're not happy now, it's because you keep doing things that make you unhappy. now, if you're not happy now, it's because you're still not doing anything to make yourself happy. what are you doing to make yourself unhappy?
you're making yourself unhappy. it's not them making you unhappy. they might be doing things you're not happy with, but you're the one doing unhappiness. now, if you want to bank all your happiness and fulfillment on outdoing these people, that's fine, but it's going to be awhile. years, decades, you're entire life, perhaps. but, don't forget number 2: happiness can't be found on this route. i wonder what it would look like, what choices you'd have to make, to be happy, and much sooner?
let me know how it goes. also, apologies for the length. it's all stream of consciousness and i'm to lazy to edit.
homework: read The Tao of Pooh
❤️
My world view might have become too materialistic. But I just want more prestige, satisfaction, validation. More and more of it. Yes I probably won't ever feel "this is enough" because it requires a constant gradient of growth.
I'm not sure I even want to be happy. What even is meant by happiness? No, I know what happiness is. It just doesn't feel meaningful anymore, all these emotions. Like, nothing that makes me happy actually matter to me. I never feel happy for doing what I actually need. I don't feel happy while preparing food but I feel happy but only when I sit down and eat the food, even though eating food wasn't the harder part that I must be focused on. Happiness feels like mind's bait that is so addicting everyone is hooked on and want more of it. Some experiences admittedly contribute to me saying this as well
I don't really want to feel anything sad or happy, but focus on work.
Also for number 4, I really believe there are some objectively good and objectively bad decisions. I can see so many of the bad decisions I made it's too hard to ignore, and things that have implications to my personal life. When I want to do something, it turns out I'm too late. Or I have to do much more effort others don't have to spend. Or I make an effort on wrong things that have no benefit to me. And I can see what I should've been doing by looking at some people.
My reply might be kinda too contrasting to what you're saying but I'd like to hear your thoughts as well.