They don't want to harvest the Holy Shit?
this post was submitted on 06 Mar 2024
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Behold, the Holy Shit!
I resent that remark
You jest, but just imagine what it would do for the fields.
It's probably even better for your gut microbiome than Tom Brady's!
Jesus on the cross does look a lot like a scarecrow…
Let's also make him an onlyfans and sell his bathwater
the spice melange
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If they just wouldn't have killed him he wouldn't have been able to come back and prove that he's holy. Then Christianity may not have come to existence, and we'd instead have the much cooler Roman gods.
Nah, they should have killed him in his avatar state. That way he couldn't have come back again.
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Or if instead of hiding him in a cave, they put Roman cement blocks on his feet and dumped him in the Mediterranean.
Enjoy coming back to life now arsehole.
Risky play for someone said to be able to walk on water.
Yes but can he walk on water if his feet are encased in cement? Do the water resistance properties apply to the concrete or does Jesus need to do a cool handstand walk type thing in the middle of the Aegean
Holy Poseidon that would be crazy!
You might be interested in Roma Eterna by Robert Silverberg. It's a pretty quick read and it more or less explores that topic precisely.
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Harvest his semen!
Jesus: 😏
End product:
Rimworld!!! Stop leaking into lemmy communities!!
We are like mildew, we get in everywhere!
*everywhere within 32 tiles of a table
Longinus, you might want to buy some lances. A lot of them.
Longinus (/lɒnˈdʒaɪnəs/) is the name given to the unnamed Roman soldier who pierced the side of Jesus with a lance;
The name is probably Latinized from the Greek lonche (λόγχη), the word used for the lance mentioned in John 19:34.[9]
They didn't know this soldier's name so they essentially named him "Lancer". Amazing.
"Yo Lance, you really get to the point."
"That's a really good point. Never thought of it that way."
"Really piercing insight. Gets to the heart of the matter..."
It's actually worse. The name couldn't be from the 1st century CE because otherwise it would be Lonchinus [lɔn'ki:nʊs]; back then Greek still kept ⟨χ⟩ as [kʰ] (as in "kit"), this would only change around the 4th century or so.
Plus whoever coined that name wasn't fully proficient in Greek, otherwise they wouldn't plop a Latin -īnus into it, they'd go with ⟨λογχίτης⟩ lonkhítēs "spear-bearer, the spear guy" → Lonchites instead.
...the English pronunciation stands out as being weirder than everything above. Also, obligatory:
A spear of Longinus a day keeps the Tang sea away~
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It also inspired Schwanzus Longus as the accurate translation of Biggus Dickus in the life of Brian
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Think of the potential profits!
All the biblical fiction heaven vs hell fantasy fiction is basically this. Gotta harvest those potential biblical artifacts for their apocalyptic powers.
Been going down a lot of early Christianity rabbit holes, and my latest over the past few days has been oddities to the depiction of the crucifixion in John (allegedly based on earlier eyewitness testimony).
Crucifixion as an execution method didn't even necessarily involve nails. It was excruciating because it dragged on over a very long period of time. Your body's survival instinct to keep breathing effectively tortures you to keep struggling to breathe as it gets more and more unbearable.
Except - that's not at all how Jesus's execution turns out in John.
He just sort of chills up there, takes a sip of sour/bitter wine brought up to him on the cross (19:29), and then not long after is just like "ok, peace out" and croaks midday.
This is so unusual that in the evening the guards who are then breaking the legs of the other prisoners being executed to speed up the process for the Sabbath have to double check whether Jesus is actually dead by poking his side with a spear, when suddenly water and blood pour out (19:34).
So, some fun facts about the Mediterranean in antiquity:
- Euthanasia was a thing, mentioned a number of times BCE as performed by high doses of opium
- Opium has a bitter taste
- Acute opium poisoning causes pulmonary edema where your lungs fill up with fluid
(Notably both Matthew 27 and Mark 15 deny that he drank the wine offered when he was on the cross, though there's a doubled denial of wine where the soldiers offer it that's found in all the Synoptics. In theory Luke depends on Mark, but doesn't have the non-consumption of the wine on the stick as drunk in John, so it looks a bit like the extant version of Mark may have had post-John parts of Matthew edited into it later on.)
So suddenly dying only a few hours into crucifixion shortly after drinking bitter/sour wine and then having fluid pour out of a lung puncture sounds a bit like even if you put him in a cage it wouldn't necessarily have lasted very long anyways assuming he still had access to beverages provided by his mom. Also, a rather dark but humanizing perspective to the story if what I'm suggesting was historically correct and his mother effectively euthanized him to shorten his suffering...
Note that Jesus was crucified partially because the Romans did not believe he was God or had any powers
(i get the joke)
Idk, I think he was crucified because he was a political activist that threatened the power of the state and forced people to question the authority of said power, just like the Romans crucified all political activists that were critical of the Roman Empire.
Maybe he was killed because an acorn dropped on some chariot. You never know.
There was a whole section in the Bible about how the local Roman leadership didn't really care enough about crucifying Jesus and that they were just doing what the Jews told him to. Of course, a great many Bible passages are anti-Roman propaganda, so it should be taken with a bit of salt, but if you do believe in the Bible, the Roman Empire didn't really seem to care that much.
The whole thing that made the Roman Empire relatively stable was the "you worship your gods and do your weird rituals, just do what we say and maybe take part of a ritual once or twice a year to show your Roman-ness and you will be good" ideals. Several gods in conquered areas were even inserted into the local Roman pantheon. I don't really think Tiberius could give a shit about Jesus, if he even knew who he was. Treating Jesus as an actual threat makes little sense to me, unless Pilate was being manipulated into thinking so, because of the actual threat to his rule by another Roman rival trying to replace him.
There are some that think Jesus was crucified for leading a revolt (being dubbed "King of the Jews" and all), but in revolts Romans usually applied collective punishment (see also: executing the people digging for the arc of the covenant), so that doesn't seem very likely to me. Whole groups of early Christians would've been executed alongside Jesus.
I have a feeling the Jewish/Christian population saw the way Romans kind of didn't really care about what religion their conquered areas were following as poor and weak leadership, and used that to paint Pilate as a weak ruler.
Pilate did seem to be pressured by the Jews into crucifying Jesus. Even with the Barrabas incident where they freed a literal murderer to still have Jesus killed.
Yeah, that does seem to be the most likely scenario. But on the other hand, I take the Bible's take on Romans about as serious as their take on the Babylonians: it's hard to know what parts to trust and what parts were made up to make the Romans look bad.
The whole Barabbas story is rather questionable; random, unwarranted executions were something Pilate was kicked out for, and there aren't any independent source backing up the whole "releasing a prisoner at the request of the people" story. I don't think many scholars believe this story actually happened as described.
Plus, there are the many alternative interpretations, like the idea that Barabbas was not a murderer, but rather the son of Jesus and Maria Magdelena, and that making him a criminal was the work of badmouthing by a Christian sect that believed that Jesus died unmarried and without children, or that Jesus and Barabbas were the same person as some dedicated scholars believe.
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Perhaps that was the historical perspective, but that doesn't include Jesus definitely performing miracles either. In the perspective where he does do miracles, a.k.a. the Bible, at least according to Christianity.com (which sources itself inline to the bible) a ton of priests and people were angered by Jesus's claim of being the messiah and son of God. They then invented a bunch of insurrection charges and took to the local governor, who initially refused but went through when they basically threatened to get him fired by questioning his loyalty.
So, I guess I stand corrected that it was not the Romans but the existing religion.
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