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How do you stop feeling the desire to be in a relationship? (lemm.ee)

submitted 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago) by Kimdracula@lemm.ee to c/asklemmy@lemmy.ml

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I'm almost 35 and realised is not going to happen. I will never become adult or reliable enough for any woman to take a glance at me. I'll never fall in love or experience sex.

There must be a way to stop this feeling. People say hobbies but honestly I don't like anything or i give up on everything. I don't wanna try new things anymore.

Edit: some of you are really nice. But to those of you who keep insulting just because my post is a downer they I'll just block you. Why don't just ignore my post instead of leaving nasty comments?

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[–] Octospider@lemmy.one 14 points 4 months ago (1 children)

Are you asexual? If not, you're going to have sexual attraction. Turning that off isn't going to happen. Now, you can have sex without being in a relationship. But, normally people do strive to have a romantic relationship and I doubt you can switch that off without some serious drugs.

I think many men that experience these feelings turn to anger. They blame society, women, other men, etc. They turn to toxic mentors who tell them how to be "alpha" and seek advice from "pick up artists". Do not do any of that.

Your attitude sounds like depression. You have given up. You say you aren't reliable or an "adult". Do you want to be those things? Or do you want to be miserable that you're not those things? Those seem to be your options.

Being miserable is easy. Just do nothing. Be lazy. Have regret.

Being the person you want to be is hard. It is for most people. Most of us are in some stage of trying to be better people.

"Either experience the pain of progress or the pain of regret".

Being miserable can be comfortable if that's what you're use to doing. It's your safe space. Other things are foreign, strange, and scary.

You'll have to work really hard to break that cycle. Your mind will be screaming at you to stop trying to better yourself. "There's no point!"... " "Just give up and go back to bed!"...

You'll have to work to reject those thoughts and demonstrate to yourself that you can. And eventually, you'll notice it won't be as hard or scary.

So, make a plan and start with small things.

Or continue to give up and feel miserable.

[+] Kimdracula@lemm.ee -15 points 4 months ago (2 children)

[removed by mod]

[–] Banana@sh.itjust.works 21 points 4 months ago (1 children)

For your own mental health, try to avoid assuming all women feel the same, it dehumanizes them which prevents you from having empathy and thus creating meaningful connections because you are assuming a woman's feelings before ever knowing her.

A lot of women feel the same way you do, trust me. A lot of women don't know what they want, or just want something as simple as somebody that they enjoy spending time with. That's it. Try not to overcomplicate it. Ask them what they want before you sabotage connections.

[+] Kimdracula@lemm.ee -16 points 4 months ago (2 children)

Dude I've being ignored enough. I won't ask anything, is obvious what they want from a man. Be honest would you date me? Make love to me? No, right? I bet you're thinking I'm pathetic. Well this is me.

[–] Banana@sh.itjust.works 5 points 4 months ago

I wouldn't, not because you are unsuccessful, but because you hate yourself.

When I met my partner of 10 years, he had no money, i had barely any. We drank king cans by the river and smoked weed for our first date. In fact, I dated so many guys that were hardly conventionally attractive, money or success weren't things I considered. The only things I considered were how I felt around them. You would be surprised what kind of things women find attractive.

You really are just making huge leaps and assumptions because you don't want to have to turn your whole world upside down, because that would mean admitting you have been wrong for so long and miserable for no reason. It would mean having to dissect your own ego.

You clearly don't want to be happy, because if you did, you wouldn't be arguing against advice you asked for. Women don't want to date you because you don't want them to want to date you, because that would mean you're wrong, so you actively push them away by doing things like this.

[–] inb4_FoundTheVegan@lemmy.world 3 points 4 months ago

This is pure blackpill. I'm really sorry you are in this position, but you truly need to talk this over with a therapist. You're not unlovable, but when you think and talk like this women, rightfully, see nothing but red flags. And then your loneliness become a self fulfilling prophecy.

There is nothing wrong with you, except for the fact that you believe everything is wrong with you. A relationship is literally the last thing you need, instead focus on your own mental health and serenity.

This thread is a form of self harm. I know therapy is hard, but arguging with strangers about how terrible you are won't ever make things better. Tending to your mental health will.