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This is a common argument against affirmative action (which was not repealed in the US overall, just banned in a few very conservative states (although if I missed some major news about it being repealed on a federal level please don't hesitate to educate me) ), I'm addressing that common counterargument by saying that it's not what anti-racism seeks to do. Same as the example counterargument before it. That one's referring to the types who spout nonsense such as "But that's just being racist to white people!!1!". They're correct that it wouldn't be helpful, but incorrect in their assessment that that's the main goal of the movement.

That said, I do think that some movements and initiatives, which I will preemptively decline to name because the details and scope of these initiatives are irrelevant, are misguided in how they want to bring about equity. These movements do feed into the arguments of people who claim that affirmative action is just giving queer/nonwhite/poor/otherwise marginalized people special privileges, and that's why I want to set them aside as separate from the concept as anti-racist.

Sure! I’m crashing right now so feel free to follow up but the short answer is proactivity and not worrying about public perception when it doesn’t matter.

For instance: if one of my kids goes “that person is black!” We don’t go “shhh shhh stop stop” and act like it’s the end of the world in public (or in private). We go “yes that man is black. What color skin do I have?” Or “yes that man’s skin is black. Daddy’s skin is white. People have different skin colors! What color is your skin?”

Shaming and acting like observing it is bad teaches them that there’s something wrong with it vs the simple reality that people look different. It’s not different than blond or back hair unless you make it a big deal.

As they get older, we’ll start (this is at least our plan) pointing out things like the race and gender of people in different roles around them. As they get more observant and curious our goal is to slowly introduce the concept of “gender roles” and inequality so that then don’t just internalize what they see with no context.

We don’t have it all figured out but we’re trying our best and we’ll adapt where we can.

Naturally if it any of this puts someone in an uncomfortable position we take it upon ourselves to apologize but we don’t make a massive deal about it to the kids or they get a very mixed message

Well, one time my kid said some misogynistic shit (it's been a decade, I can't remember the details) and I spent 10 or 15 minutes chewing him out in front of his siblings about how that's inappropriate and wrong, with examples of the errors and results. When we were talking one time after he'd reached adulthood, he told me this turned him away from the path of radical anti-feminism.

No guarantees this will work in most circumstances, but it did this one time.