ADHD

I've been on it for only two weeks.

Everything. Everything was surprising. It's not just the motivation, it's emotional complacency that's gone too. My doormat instincts are gone, I can politely engage with problems instead of avoiding them. I do the things that I want to do.

On Saturday I did yardwork, took my youngest kid out for a run, then to the beach with our dog where tiny sunfish nipped at our legs, then rock climbing (she's training for a team), then I made dinner from scratch, and then we went to a local free festival for bazaar shopping and a reggae concert with her big brother. It was amazing.

I'm in my 40s and I'm retroactively angry about my life.

I was able to control my focus with ease instead of having it yanked away by almost anything, and also got able to control the hyperfocus periods (as in, being able to stop whatever I'm doing to take care of other important needs).

As a side benefit, my mood also got better, during medication effects I feel less anxiety and am less prone to anger.

I lost like 30 pounds in like 6 months, LOL! There's a reason why ADHD medications used to be a common (if dangerous--for non-ADHD people) weight loss treatment.

I can catch myself drifting. I can tell myself, no, get the trash out first then do that other thing. Doesn’t mean I don’t slip up but it helps a lot. Also I had a metallic taste in the mouth for the first week (I’m told it’s normal)

I guess that I started making better decisions and not choosing immediate gratification.

Comparing my life to before I started medication is literally insane. (Diagnosed nearly 40 years old) I was a failure, had a decent job doing 20 hours a week at Apple as I couldn’t do more than that and be happy, I want happy but it would have been worse.

I now drive, have a car and I’m a software developer. The most difficult challenge was trying not to think about the what ifs. What if I found out 2 years ago etc.

I can actually verbally articulate things and not meander. Much better focus and thoughts. The only trouble I have is breaking that focus sometimes. I’ll get into a groove and completely lose track of time.

1. I can get overstimulated now ._. I don't know if it's just a me thing, but my partner took me out to the shops while my medication was in effect and I reached a point where the colours and varieties suddenly was too much, and we had to step out while I tried to recover. It was a totally new experience since I guess normal ADHD brain discards irrelevant (and sometimes relevant) information quickly like nobody's business, but medicated brain doesn't do that as much.

2. Staying awake when I'm bored. I was working in companies with long ass meetings for 3 years before I got diagnosed and I've been falling asleep in classes for even longer. I've slapped myself, pinched, drank water, washed my face, and all it took was medication for that uncontrollable exhaustion to...disappear. No more shame for something that I've been completely unable to help. It's a massive change.

I was surprised by the number of side effects I had initially. They seem to have gotten better, but I'm only on day 4 of taking them (Vyvanse).

First day I knew when they kicked in. It was like suddenly wearing blinders for a horse. Everything was in focus.

Then I had heart palpitations, would randomly feel jittery, hot and cold flashes, and had ED symptoms. Now that I'm on my 4th day, I think I've gotten used to the drug because all of the symptoms except feeling cold the last few hours before it wears off are pretty much gone.

I sort of expected to be more focused than I am on the drug and it would be something like the stereotypical ADHD "dead emotions and hyper focus" but it's just a subtle "ability to do things without distraction a bit easier".

• I don’t feel overwhelmed like I used to. Even if I have an overwhelming number of things to do, I can prioritize a couple of things and ignore the rest. It’s not like I don’t care, but things don’t feel insurmountable
• I’m not an emotional powder keg when Im on meds. I feel I can actually manage my emotions and process criticism like a normal person. If someone is being an asshole to me, I don’t feel like I have a strong urge to respond and I can just ignore them and go about my day
• I don’t have increased focus, but I have more energy that I can spend on focus. This was what surprised me. I thought I would have better focus automatically, and maybe Im not on the right meds, but I still have to put the effort in. The difference is when Im not on meds, my tank feels empty. Even if I want to do the thing or try to focus, it takes so much out of me. At the end of the day when I would get home, I would just sit on the couch and I would be extremely mentally exhausted. I couldn’t even follow a tv show or movie. I would just watch random youtube videos or just sit there like a vegetable. It would take me all weekend of sleeping and doing nothing to recover enough to have the mental energy to face the week. Needless to say, it made making time to spend with friends very difficult and not to mention just normal daily life things. On meds, I get home, I feel like a normal person and my brain doesn’t feel burnt out. I didn’t know what normal was until now
• I was surprised it made my anxiety go away in groups. I can give briefings to a group of people with very little problem. I’m engaged in meetings and will ask questions. Sometimes I think I may be annoying, but on meds I’m like “their fucking problem, I’m doing my thing.” I didn’t used to be as horrible at group interactions, but the last couple of years, things just really went downhill. I think a combination of a bad manager constantly berating me for every little thing, so I ended up internalizing a lot of it (looking back, I hate her for making me feel this way and others in my office), and reaching a point of burn out with my ADHD. The best way I can describe how I feel on meds is normal
• I wish it would fix my sleep, but alas, if anything it has made it a bit worse, so that is a work in progress

A couple things...

• Figuring out meditation is real and doing a 180 on my opinion of it.
• Staying away from nicotine is 100% easier. (I tried to quit before and failed)
• [REDACTED] is up by 200%