this post was submitted on 11 Jan 2025
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No Stupid Questions

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This is sort of an odd prompt but I'll elaborate.

I've always been a lone wolf. Primarily it has been due to intense social anxiety. I also fall somewhere on the asexual spectrum. So I've mostly gone though life by myself. Friendships and relationships have just never been a thing for me. I'm also in my 30s, so it's not as if I'm going to change the way I am.

Several years back, I started working my current job. Most people I worked with were either ok or were assholes. But there was one who was always kind to me. She always jokes around with me and was cheerful and happy when everyone else was a grumpy asshole. We work only a few feet from each other for hours almost every single day.

Through the years, I noticed myself getting happy when she would arrive at work or when our schedules would overlap more. I am happy every day to see her and enjoy spending time with her. I absolutely never get tired of seeing her and look forward to it every single day. She has even called me a friend on numerous occasions which I have almost never had anyone do before. We spend our days simultaneously working and also trying to out goober one another. She started referring to me as her friend at one point and it made me really happy whenever she would say it.

She is married and has children and has her own busy life outside of work. I often feel bad whenever I end up texting her outside of work because I know I am taking her away from where she wants to be. She's not one of those parents that spends their off hours getting away from the household...she is the opposite...wanting to spend every waking moment not at work with her kids.

It's selfish and wrong of me, but sometimes I get jealous when she interacts with her other work friend. Or it sometimes makes me sad to know that I most likely don't mean as much to her as she does to me. I would do honestly absolutely anything for her. I even let her family stay with me for a few days when they were temporarily without power or water.

When I see my other coworkers, I honestly could take them or leave them. But my whole day gets brightened when I see my one coworker that I am close to. I never get tired of seeing her.

I've almost never ever had this happen before. The only ever time this happened was with another sweet, funny, coworker who eventually moved away. I liked both of them very much and it pained me so much when the other left. I was depressed for months.

Since I'm an asexual, I never really see people and want to make out or have sex with them. But is that what is happening with my brain? Is my description normal friend behavior or is it wrong for me to feel this level of happiness and connection around my coworker? Is it normal to like a friend this much or is there something wrong with me? Am I supposed to try to find other people instead to have this sort of feeling with instead of my coworker? Is it wrong to want to hang out outside of work? Where is the line supposed to be drawn between what is socially acceptable and what isn't?

Thanks. I'm stupid ig.

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[โ€“] Curious_Canid@lemmy.ca 4 points 4 hours ago

It sounds like circumstances may prevent this from developing into too much more, but enjoy it for what it is. Having a friend, any level of involvement, is a good thing.

You seem to be doing well at considering your friend's situation and being respectful of how much attention they can give you. Relationships never exist in a vacuum. Understanding that other people are a part of it can help you avoid thinking that you should be getting more, or that you aren't getting more because of something about you.

You can also take this as a sign of hope. Making friends can be difficult, and may not happen often, but you now know that it is possible for you. There will be others and each will be different. Just knowing it can happen makes it easier for it to happen again.

Congratulations and wishing you the best for the future.

[โ€“] datavoid@lemmy.ml 5 points 7 hours ago

Other commenters say you need more friends.. should be easy, right? ๐Ÿ˜‚

[โ€“] adarza@lemmy.ca 42 points 18 hours ago (1 children)

your brain likes people who are pleasant and interact with you, and whose company you enjoy.

she's the only one you have right now that could be considered a 'friend'?

your subconscious is craving the social connections, and the one you have makes you happy.

scary as it may sound, i think you need a few more people like that in your life--and to be a person like that for others.

[โ€“] dingus@lemmy.world 2 points 14 hours ago* (last edited 8 hours ago) (1 children)

Well I have plenty of online friends but I don't necessarily feel that way about them. I have traveled to see some of my online friends in person before and it was nice but it was very awkward and not really the same thing lol. It's different because I see coworker in person all the time and we get along really well. I'm not sure if it's acceptable to like hang out outside of work or if that is going too far. She has stated she would want to do stuff like that occasionally but idk that it makes sense.

There used to be a second friend I had at work that I felt similarly about but she moved away!

I have just been wracking my brain trying to figure out how I could make more friends like that. I have tried activities here and there irl but they were not really conducive to meeting people. So far I've tried various workouts classes, but they don't really involve interactions with others. I need forced daily interaction to grow relationships with others. It takes me a long time to get to know someone and grow to like them. Often, I can get to know someone and still not really be compatible with them...as with my other coworkers who are often either temperamental and rude or just people that I don't really vibe with and have the same sense of humor.

My next idea was to try to find volunteer groups, but it seems none of them can really work around a M-F 9-5 schedule. The local food bank technically does Saturday volunteering, but it's perpetually at capacity for volunteers. So I can't do that one either.

[โ€“] BCsven@lemmy.ca 1 points 3 hours ago

Studies show online friends don't provide the same brain chemical response as inperson. Kind of goes in order text->phone->video->inperson

[โ€“] JakenVeina@lemm.ee 15 points 17 hours ago

I'll second that the most effective thing to cope with these feelings is to spread them around, I.E. get some more similar friends. You may not experience any sexual feelings for others, but the evidence suggests you do crave friendship or companionship, on some level. It'll probably take some time and effort for you to figure that out, in more detail. Maybe a larger friend group would fulfill you, maybe you really do just want one romantic, non-sexual, partner.

It is also absolutely okay to have no idea how to do this, or feel like it's impossible. Social relationships are complicated, and you have no experience. The obvious advice would be to see a therapist to guide you, but that's certainly not feasible for everyone. And unfortunately, I don't have any particular advice, myself, on how to find friends. My own small subset of friends are pretty much all encounters of convenience: classmates from college, co-workers, and parents I've met through my kid. But I would say meeting new people and looking for new potential friends is what you should try and research or experiment with.

[โ€“] dnick@sh.itjust.works 11 points 18 hours ago (1 children)

Absolutely nothing wrong or unusual about the way you feel. It may be a little excessive and obsessive, but that is a normal thing for people to get themselves into. Since you don't have a lot of reference it's good to understand that there are other people out there and you may be disappointed that she doesn't feel the same, but that isn't really driven by your other traits. You may likely have to deal with the fact that it won't go further, just enjoy what you have and that there are people that can make you feel this way and allow yourself to explore other relationships that you may have overlooked, or at least be open to the possibility.

[โ€“] dingus@lemmy.world 1 points 14 hours ago* (last edited 14 hours ago) (2 children)

I don't mean to say that she doesn't really like me or anything. She seems to like me a lot too. I am one out of her only 2 friends as well haha! She has said other things that makes it sound like she also really likes me...once she even said we were "kindred spirits" but idk if she really meant that lol. I just mean that I get that I am not the number one priority of relationships because of the family which obviously makes total sense. I just don't know how normal it is that I like her that much for a friendship. And like is it wrong to hang out outside of work or something?

[โ€“] angrystego@lemmy.world 1 points 25 minutes ago

It's ok to hang out outside work. Even people with kids can spend some time with their friends. Let her decide the amount of time she wants to spend with you, don't push things too much, and it's going to be alright.

[โ€“] Trubble@startrek.website 3 points 7 hours ago

I am afab, have similar ace feelings, got dates easier because afab and guys are horny, didn't always last long or end well, 'cause guys are horny and took offense to, no I don't care for sexy times please (at least it was common for me though teens n 20s). Have bffs that have lasted decades! Guys and girls. I am in a relationship now, have been for quite a long time, we are great friends at the base of our relationship and he is cool that I am not sexual most of the time (me as sexual, not his acceptance).

My bffs are just as important to me, the elated feeling when I see them, can't get enough time with them, feel so able to be my dorky self when we are together... boys came and went for a long time for me, friends stayed steady. With guys they call them bromances I think?

For me, a good best friend IS a relationship, that I liked better than romantic ones and I think it was because of the lack of sexual pressure that made it more comfortable for me.

So, no, not weird. When you don't have a handful of relationships, the one close one tends to mean soo much more. It is super hard to make friends when odd, especially as an adult. You mentioned she had one other friend at work, maybe they have similar interests since she likes them? Maybe you could try to get to know them too and have a 3 musketeers thing at work? They might not be near as cool and interesting, or bring the same feelings but it could help the emotional flows have another outlet. And, maybe they will know a couple cool peeps that could lead to another awesome connection with someone they know. This is how I usually got more friends as my friends were usually more outgoing than me. They know I use them for socializing and don't mind, part of what makes them precious to me.

Do be careful, emotions can come on strong sometimes and if she is happily married, a rise in romantic or sexual tension may be a push away and that can feel devastating.

I wish I had some better actual answers for you, hopefully someone's suggestions will be helpful though! People generally suck but there diamonds in the rough scattered about. You already have found 2, I am sure you can dig up more, it may just take a lot of time and patience to get the next one uncovered.

[โ€“] Gullible@sh.itjust.works 7 points 17 hours ago

Anyone know of any active forums for asexual folks? The lemmy communities seem to be too dead to check for information. It definitely sounds like romantic feelings, from my non-asexual perspective, but ace perspectives will assuredly yield more concrete information.

[โ€“] Kaboom@reddthat.com 0 points 18 hours ago (1 children)

I think you just caught a disease known as "feelings"

If she was single, I'd tell you to ask her out. Since she's not, id advise you to start looking for another job if you this infatuated.

[โ€“] angrystego@lemmy.world 1 points 22 minutes ago

Infatuation is not forever and can be handled, so why change jobs?