Every year, we all have to sit there in the chair, gathered by friends and family, as they all sing a song that a stopwatch will tell you lasted 30 seconds, but feels like HOURS.

And the entire time, you're just sitting there like "I'm very aware of my hands right now......where do I put them? What am I supposed to do with my hands right now??? I feel like everyone is judging me for using my hands incorrectly right now......"

And then, your friends birthday is next month, and you have to pretend you're actually singing this song. In reality it's more like a vaguely melodic mumble. Then everyone gets the timing of the name wrong, as if the whole room is remembering their friends name after a momentary lapse of dementia.

"Happy Birthday to........Todd......"

And finally the song is over, and you then spit all over a cake to blow out a cake, that has for some reason been set on fire.

I mean seriously. It doesn't work like this for ANY OTHER EVENT. Even the 4th of July, which is known for drunk uncles blowing their fingers off playing with explosives doesn't have this shit. Nobody on 4th of July is like "Here's your hot dogs.....I took them off the grill, put them in a bun, squirted some mustard and ketchup on them......and then I set them on fire. That's your problem now. You deal with the fire. Spit on everybodies food, and then distribute it by incorrectly guessing how much everyone wants. Be sure to give the fat guy the tiniest portion possible. He doesn't need the extra portions, clearly."

And WHY do we do all this shit to each other? I don't know a single person who enjoys these traditions no matter which side of the candle you're on.

I'm just glad MY family doesn't do the other part, where everybody gives you a spanking. No, please, mom, do NOT engage in sexual fetishes with your adult son! And thankfully my family never has done that. That would be WEIRD.