Ask Lemmy

I think you're misunderstanding what feminists mean when they say, "all men can be rapists". It's alright, I used to be in your shoes too, sometimes people are just bad at explaining themselves, so lemme try and explain my understanding of the statement.

They're not saying that men are rapists, what they're trying to say is that men have been trained to pursue relationships in a way that can be coercive and can lead to rape without the man realizing he's doing anything wrong (I'll go into how a man could """accidentally""" rape someone near the end).

A good example of this is "Baby, it's cold outside". The song is about a man trying to convince a women to stay the night with him. The song takes the form of the woman finding reasons to leave, while the man finds reasons for her to stay. This was because, at the time, it was considered improper for a single lady to stay the night with a gentleman who's also single; they might get up to something, the horror!

Now, the song portrays this coersion as being possibly consensual; that, in the context of the song, the woman might want to stay, but feels compelled to go through the list of reasons she should leave so it isn't "improper". However, if you're engaging in roleplay like that, you need to set clear boundaries before you do so otherwise you risk someone getting hurt. Furthermore, standards have changed. It's no longer improper (in most places) for a woman to spend the night at a man's house, nor is it acceptable to try and convince a woman (or anyone for that matter) to sleep with you if they've said "no". Again, it is coercive, and you cannot derive consent from coersion unless it was clearly defined beforehand as part of role-play (consent can also be revoked, if someone tells you "stop", you stop).

Despite that, cultural momentum means that many young men are still taught that if a woman says "no", that just means you need to give her a better excuse to say "yes" ("she's just playing 'hard-to-get'").

You might be able to see how this is a bad thing, yes?

That is what I believe they're referring to. It's not that they think every man is a rapist just waiting to strike, it's that most men have been trained to "just try harder" if their lady friend says "no".

Edit: if I'm wrong, feel free to correct me.