Asklemmy

"I'm fine."

"Did you find everything okay?"

Dude, you're a grocery cashier. I know full well that if I unload my whole fucking arrogant engineer-ass evaluation of your whole store's problems at your face, it will do absolutely nothing but make us both unhappy. So I don't.

Everything is great.

Y'all are out of the good eggs and I had to settle for the okay eggs.

I understand why maple syrup is next to Bisquick instead of next to sugar and molasses and corn syrup, but I still disapprove. Sweeteners are sweeteners, not baking ingredients.

But you really don't care. You have zero input into your store's purchasing decisions. You want to ring me up and get through your day and go home to your hot boyfriend.

So yeah, I found everything okay.

I’m good, how are you?

"No it's fine. I don't mind."

I’ll do it tomorrow.

I lie on the internet fairly regularly as weird precaution to make myself less identifiable. I don’t want any of my accounts to link to eachother, let alone back to me

"Yeah, I'm fine"

I'm a big fan of the super obvious lie. It makes people think you're really bad at lying, and they overestimate their ability to detect your lies, so they let their guard down.

I hope this email finds you well.

"I will do it tomorrow", I say that to myself and to many people. Not proud of this.

"I'm a boy"

The fact that this is a common lie for me might mean that people I talk to don't believe it either.

Most common lies I tell are usually just to stop people focussing on a certain part of a story or anecdote. They're technically lies but aren't relevant.

Lets say i'm talking about my weekend to a friend or colleauge. I mention that on friday night in a certain bar or location something happened. Well if I know that person is going to pick up on the location eg: "Why were you there".

I don't really care they know I just cba with my story being picked apart for something that's not really that relevant, I was just setting the scene.

It’ll be okay.

At work, I oversimplify things to the point that they're no longer strictly true all the time.

"I'm working on it"

"Thank you for shopping here."

Like seriously there's like one grocery store in this entire small-ass town and this is it. Not like you were doing me a big favor.

I also just don't give a shit if you shop elsewhere. Whether you shop here or elsewhere won't change my less-than-living-wage paycheck, thank you very much.

It's those lies like how bards and storytellers do it.

And I know I am bad at it, but I practice so I could be a storyteller to a degree when I will need it.

Not always a lie (though when it is truth it's mostly in a technically-the-truth way), but I like to fuck with my friends by sharing media and misleading them into thinking things will happen a certain way so they don't see the plot twists coming. Kind of like reverse-spoiling them.

And if you're thinking "there's no way they'd believe you after the first couple of times" - it's when they stop believing me that the fun starts.

Throwing in pieces of truth, reverse psychology, lies by omission, alluding to something that A. doesn't happen but B. is so out there that they start wondering "but maybe...". I also have honed my control over my facial expressions from my years on customer service so that I can feign confusion or incredulity perfectly on the occasion that they make a correct prediction.

The friend I primarily do this with is pretty gullible and gets very emotionally invested in stories (that's how I ended up starting with this), but I've been working my way up with less gullible friends to hone my bullshittery to greater heights, and the results have been greatly satisfying.

Great fun, 10/10, highly recommend if you and your friends like plot-twisty media.

"I am a happy and engaged employee "

"you're ugly and your mother dresses you funny"

My kids dress themselves.

I like to tell "sexy" lies, like "I just had sex", or "people want to have sex with me"

Lie I tell most often: “I'm fine.”

It is easier to do, and easier on the conscience to lie by omission, so that's the kind of lie I do most often, which is mostly to smooth things over in social situations.

Rather than telling the truth, which would require me to talk about my mental health and current state, and face possible stigma, I'd rather just lie about being fine.

I don't lie to anyone except my employer. They are not owed any explanation or insight into my personal life, and personally I feel that that is the only acceptable instance for me to lie at this point in my life.

Circumstances change, but I generally try and lie as little as possible.

I never tell the truth.

That depends. Do exaggerations, errors in perspective, adapting to others' perspective, and literary devices count as lying? If we're talking classic lies, I don't remember the last time I did that if I ever did. If we're being more broad, though, you could say I beat around the bush a lot. Shame is a terrible attribute in society. People often ask about my mental health, how I'm doing, the quality of my day, and so on. Things along those lines. And I don't want to say "well I existentially don't care" or this kind of thing happens, so I say stuff like "I'm top of the morning" because I don't have to betray what's below the surface.

"They're not in the office right now, can I put you to their voicemail?"

I actually lied for the first time in about 3 years just few days ago.

I had an appointment and at the front desk the clerk asked me wether I came there by car (do I need a parking permit) to which I said no even though I did but I left it further away so that I don't need said permit. Funnily enough the person I came to meet then asked me the same thing to which I sad "Yeah, but I left it further away" and I'm quite sure the clerk heard me so.. ..yeah. That's why I don't lie.

The previous lie before that when a beggar came asking wether I had any cash to which I said no even though I did. Again a completely pointless lie.

I embelish for effect.

I have done a lot Enough for today I am tired I need to rest I should shut my eyes

... more screentime on unproductive content

"Good morning". Nothing good in me having to wake up at 5:30 and dealing with nincompoops actively trying to poison themselves and their children with Tylenol or whatever.

I don't lie. I make up words with my mouth.