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How to get past this (lemmy.ml)

submitted 5 days ago* (last edited 5 days ago) by Pherenike@lemmy.ml to c/asklemmy@lemmy.ml

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My father insists on a version of past events that is not true, where he supposedly helped me pay off debt when in reality I paid it off by working FOR YEARS. He doesn't say it as something he's proud of, but something I owe him and haven't "thanked" him for (?). He is extremely stubborn and old enough to definitely not remember things well.
He does this kind of thing with my siblings as well and it's come to the point where we feel that all we really were for our father was a money burden, be it true or not that he helped us financially at some point. How can I come to terms with the fact that he's not gonna acknowledge the truth no matter how many times I explain it to him, despite the anger and frustration I feel towards him for claiming something he actually DIDN'T do for his kid while minimizing my own work and effort?

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[–] lordnikon@lemmy.world 60 points 5 days ago (2 children)

I don't know if this helps but i had a similar experience. My mother would bring it up all the time. It was many years after I had just given up the guilt of it. It finally came out. She was afraid noone would take care of her. Deep down she's knew she never did anything to help me and now that she was losing her independence in her age. She is desperate to believe she has leverage to make sure i will take care of her when she's unable to. It's sad and pathetic but once it came to light my anger turned to pity.

[–] Pherenike@lemmy.ml 30 points 5 days ago

It does help, thank you. To think that you have to have "helped" your kids enough for them to want to take care of you in old age is indeed pitiful. And it speaks really badly about your concept of your children.

[–] cheese_greater@lemmy.world 2 points 5 days ago* (last edited 4 days ago) (2 children)

You're not helping her, right? She would just find a way to make you miserable with it anyway. People like that don't help anyone but themself and even when they get their needs met themself or you, that doesn't satisfy the desire to control and dominate you even still.

[–] lordnikon@lemmy.world 15 points 5 days ago* (last edited 5 days ago)

Honestly I think i posted this before but it all came about when I explained even if I wanted to I couldn't. Like I broke down the math of my income and savings and how much her care will cost. Had to explain the world her and her parents left us with nothing they were grifted and the pay gap from 1970 broke the game. Her Brain kind of broke and she got real quiet and has not brought up that i owe her anything since.

[–] davel@lemmy.ml 3 points 5 days ago

You’re not helping her, right? She would just find a way to make you miserable with it anyway.

You don’t know this person. Just because some are like that doesn’t mean all others also are.

Its like when Putin