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Unfortunately, anything modern is designed to be cheap and throwaway in design, as inflation would easily push the price of the devices today up to 4 times that of the old stuff it it were designed with the same durability. Anything old enough to be the kind of device that lasts decades is incompat as technology has marched on, and old stock "new" still has an age issue - yes, electronics still go bad just by age.
Best I can say is, for your phone, a modern old people flip phone will still connect to the cell net, but it has a stripped down Android - this is because designing a one of a kind OS for a phone that has to use VoLTE VoIP and RCS messaging would be absurdly expensive, and slapping a bottom barrel SoC with Android already made for it is way cheaper. Phones all come with web browsers because the data net is now they do voice these days, so why not include a basic feature that can be useful to some? My first cell phone was a flip phone with 1.5MB RAM that didn't even have bluetooth and it had a web browser... which was hot garbage, barely able to show me a paragraph on the tiny screen and slower than dialup but I did on occason try to use it.
You can try the Lightphone or Lightphone 2, which is an "anti-feature" phone that specifically does not come with any features.
Samsung washing machines have been a PITA due to Samsung making them with sketchy quality. I'd say a cheap front loader from the hardware store would be good enough, if they have a non-smart appliance.
The smart TV thing is getting annoying, especially since everyone is doing it at all price points, but a computer monitor ($~100 for 21") does not have smart anything, has hdmi, and probably you will use your own stuff to connect to it. Only problem is if the monitor lacks an HDMI ARC port, which is an HDMI that can send audio data back thru the link for sound systems, which you will need because monitors have trash speakers, unless you have a god tier set of 2.1 speakers with a 3.5mm jack.
As for the car and bluetooth, it's always a hassle - the older the car the less likely bluetooth will work reliably if at all, but if you take calls on the road, you have to keep this working, as it is a safety issue. As for car spying, research the car and find out how to disconnect the telemetry modem. Until very recently, a lot of older cars with telemetry run just fine with the modem disconnected, or an aftermarket head unit installed with the telemetry unit disconnected.
I was interested in these "light" phones for a bit, but they seem a bit gimmicky and expensive. I understand not having a browser on purpose, but for communication, none of them (AFAIK) support Matrix or even XMPP (even some old feature phones had a Java Jabber client). Punkt MP02 supports Signal though.
Android phone with custom ROM (Lineage, /e/, Graphene, DivestOS...) is a possibility, and would be usable until hardware is incompatible with the phone/wifi networks.
If you have a patience of a saint, PinePhone and Librem5 are Linux phones, both in fairly early stages.
Problem is these aftermarket roms have way more frequent updates. OP is tired of constant updating, complicated interfaces, and wants something that "just works". Good luck with that.