this post was submitted on 09 Jul 2023
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Autism

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I don't understand why I can't be blunt. (lemmy.world)
submitted 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) by larsthespacepirate@lemmy.world to c/autism@lemmy.world
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lemmy deleted my completely finished post right before posting so let's try this again. I find it so annoying that I have to sugarcoat everything. I feel like I'm coddling people. I understand being polite to strangers, but it's so annoying when my family, who knows I'm autistic, gets upset at my bluntness. I've explained multiple times that I'm not trying to be rude and I'm just trying to communicate in a way that works for me, but it doesn't work. I just don't understand why I have to say "hey, would you mind not letting the dogs tangle? thank you:)" in some high pitched voice when I could just say, "can you not let the dogs tangle?" in a tone that conveys I'm serious. it's so much easier when intentions are simply stated.

edit: I'm having trouble posting comments but thank you for all your responses! it's helping me see things a bit easier, and I definitely have things I can work on now :)

another edit for clarity: my family and I have talked about my communication style. I've tried to find ways to meet them in the middle, as I want a compromise. they've been unsuccessful but I'm continuing to try. I want to be at a point where it's not stressful and exhausting to talk to my family. this was more of just a vent post, as I was feeling really annoyed.

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[–] Reliant1087@lemmy.world 16 points 1 year ago

Think of it as speaking a foreign language. If you went to Spain, you would need to communicate in a way that people there understand wouldn't you? Think of communicating with neurotypical people as being in a different country. Their language is has the same words but convey meaning differently based on tone and a bunch of other stuff.

In case of the dogs, the neurotypical communication carries information regarding how much fault you assign to that person and yourself, whose stakes are higher, what is the expected action, what are the possible consequences of not doing that and so on entirely in non-verbal format, something that we have trouble with.

The could you and thank you part is essentially communicating that you're acknowledging (and in a way probing) that they didn't probably commit the act out of malice or neglect and giving them room to communicate, while also indicating that they would be helping you by not letting it happen.

Now I am not great at emulating light tone or the correct expressions so I usually just say all of this explicitly in my normal tone. That seems to work mostly.