this post was submitted on 22 Sep 2024

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rejection anxiety and real pain (lemmy.world)

submitted 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) by Mighty@lemmy.world to c/adhd@lemmy.world

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Hey there. I am incredibly sad, downright depressed and mentally exhausted.

I wanted to celebrate my birthday yesterday for the first time (maybe ever?) with lots of nice people. I invited about 30-50 people. Some, I invited personally, some just casually through groups. Lots of those people I thought of as somehow close and friendly.

I exhausted myself in the effort of preparing the party, I rented a room, I prepared photos, activities, food, music, and just put a lot of mental energy into the planning. I have been planning it for about 2 months, invited those who were most important to me back then even.

5 people showed up.

I am devastated. I was always so anxious about my birthday and never celebrated it. I think I removed myself from groups a lot in my life. And only the last two years, I've started to understand my diagnosis and how to communicate with people. This throws all my anxiety and pain back into my body and brain.

I don't know how to deal with it. Especially I don't know how to interact with the people that were important to me and who didn't show (or those who didn't even cancel). My past behaviour was burning down all the bridges. I don't think I should do that. But I also don't know how to pretend like it doesn't hurt....

Any advice about rejection anxiety and ... well, real rejection?

Thank you.

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[–] AddLemmus@lemmy.ml 16 points 1 month ago (1 children)

It happens, even with popular kids. A friend from daycare invited many people for her 5th, but due to bad timing with vacation, nobody showed up. Nobody. Her 6th was fine, as about 8 out of 14 came.

My son invited 5 for his 5th, but due to some misfortune with sickness etc., only two siblings came. It turned out to be one of his best birthdays ever.

Best to ask for a commitment, a clear yes or no. But in your case, 5 is a good number for a party! 1 or 0 would have been kind of awkward.

[–] Mighty@lemmy.world 3 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Thanks for the insights. But that's done. I think I did my invitations okay. Even if I didn't that's a different question. I just don't know how to interact with the people now

[–] huginn@feddit.it 8 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Interact with them just the same as before. they're still friendly people, they're just friendly people who didn't come to an optional social event.

How many optional social events do you say no to? Personally I will decline dozens of invites to do things every year for various reasons including: nah I don't feel like it.

It's not that I don't like the people doing the inviting: it's that I have a limited social battery, limited free time and a lot of things I want to do.

And in the meantime: become even closer with the 5 who showed.

[–] Mighty@lemmy.world 4 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Thanks. That's a real answer to my question. I'm just so tired of trying....

I think they don't know how important it was for me. And I don't think that I can tell them.

[–] huginn@feddit.it 2 points 1 month ago (1 children)

I was definitely in a similar position but at a younger age. So I'm not sure how applicable my experience is to you at 40+

For me what helped most was 3fold:

Bupropion. I can't state how much this antidepressant/ADHD combo medicine helped me chill out, function, and relax about social situations.
A major cognitive shift from "I must make friends" to "I'm totally happy alone, friends just make things better"
Learning to always assume the best. People aren't out to get me, nor do they hate me. They're generally busy, almost certainly have a small clique of friends they like to spend time with, and I'm not in that group. And that's totally fine.

It took from age 23 until 26 for me to get that all straight in my head. I spent almost a year of that pulling back from all social responsibilities and taking time to be alone and heal.

Reading through your comments here reminds me of myself before that process and I'll give you the same advice that a dear friend gave me - you need to go talk to a psychiatrist. Your mental state is unhealthy.

You don't heal a broken leg by walking on it. You shouldn't try to heal a broken mind by force of will. Medication is a modern wonder, and I'd seek it out every time in your position.

[–] Mighty@lemmy.world 2 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Thanks. Those are good points. I'm 40. I've been to therapy. And it's not like I can just go, there's no spots, no therapists, no waiting lists. I have a social therapist who's okay, I guess. I'm on bupropion, but after about 2,5-3 years, I finally want to get off it. I hate being on antidepressants so long, I've had bad experiences with taking them too long.

The hard thing about learning these mental patterns and tools as a person with ADD seems to me, like I have to learn them again and again and again...

I've been diagnosed about 2-3 years ago only...

I'm glad it worked out for you so far. Good luck out there

[–] huginn@feddit.it 2 points 1 month ago

Misread another comment on the 40 part - my bad.

Good luck yourself - Everyone's journey is different. My ADHD was crippling for decades and it worked out. I hope yours does too - but if it doesn't ever quite work out I hope you give yourself the grace and the space to be imperfect.