this post was submitted on 04 Aug 2024
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[–] mwguy@infosec.pub 70 points 3 months ago (4 children)

5 Your breasts are like fawns, twins of a gazelle, grazing among the first spring flowers. 6 The sweet, fragrant curves of your body, the soft, spiced contours of your flesh Invite me, and I come. I stay until dawn breathes its light and night slips away.

Solomon 4:5-6

It's aboutta get spicy in Oklahoma

[–] Assman@sh.itjust.works 22 points 3 months ago (2 children)

Damn I didn't know it said I come in the bible

[–] mwguy@infosec.pub 21 points 3 months ago

I grew up pretty Christian. That particular section (or book) has some pretty spicy stuff in it. There's also other questionable sexual stuff in other areas. Like you're supposed to impregnate your brother's widow if they die without an heir, polygamy etc ... It's a book that's incredible forward thinking for it's time, but it's time was like 6,000 years ago.

[–] Angry_Autist@lemmy.world 15 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

Oh man there is a ton of crazy sex in the Bible.

King David getting wood looking at one of his general's wives bathing on the rooftop and starts an affair that would eventually split the kingdom of Israel in half and start a war between brothers.

Onan refusing to impregnante his dead brother's widow and being struck dead for pulling out.

And don't even get me started on the incest...

[–] BrianTheeBiscuiteer@lemmy.world 15 points 3 months ago (4 children)

I'm sure there are not many PG ways to interpret this passage but if there was it's not going to come from a teacher with no background in theology. The best part of this silly mandate is that teachers apparently have free reign to make the Bible say whatever they want. Make Jesus sound like the compassionate socialist he actually is.

[–] elbarto777@lemmy.world 15 points 3 months ago

I'd teach all the raping and incest and send homework in which parents need to participate finding the answers.

[–] mwguy@infosec.pub 13 points 3 months ago (1 children)

A statistics class where your grade is determined by "drawing lots" as it shows God's desired grade....

[–] mojofrododojo@lemmy.world 1 points 3 months ago

pretty sure oklahoma will be nonplussed regarding incest.

[–] Angry_Autist@lemmy.world 6 points 3 months ago

Do you think the repugnicunts that pushed this through want anyone learning about the_real_ Jesus?

Nope, it's Supply Side Jesus they'll be teaching.

[–] azertyfun@sh.itjust.works 5 points 3 months ago

To: Springfield High Educators
From: Springfield High School Board

It has come to our attention that some of our staff have been teaching Bible verses out of context. This has made some parents, particularly our esteemed LEOs, uncomfortable.

I hereby remind you that your contract binds you to a strict adherence to the Chart of Christian Values of Springfield and the Glorious State of Oklahoma.

For your next mandatory Bible Reading Session, please make sure to select passages that are in-line with those values.

Kind Regards,

[–] mojofrododojo@lemmy.world 1 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (1 children)

LOL, wait till you read Ezekial 23:20 - There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.

check out all the different ways they paraphrase donkey dick:

https://biblehub.com/ezekiel/23-20.htm

[–] mwguy@infosec.pub 1 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Oh yes, the Bible says Big Dicks are the Best!

[–] mojofrododojo@lemmy.world 2 points 3 months ago

the bible endorses donkey junk literacy :D

[–] mightyfoolish@lemmy.world 0 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (1 children)

What we need are drag queens reciting these verses to children instead of that smut like Charlotte's Web. That should make conservatives rejoice.

[–] mwguy@infosec.pub 1 points 3 months ago (1 children)

That might be a little bit too much"on the nose". But maybe the slaughtering of a live animal as a sacrifice would be more fun.

[–] mightyfoolish@lemmy.world 1 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Let's be real, conservatives don't actually do "Bible stuff."

[–] mwguy@infosec.pub 1 points 3 months ago

Unfortunately true too often.