this post was submitted on 04 Jun 2024
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I could list a few.
- Christmas when I was about 10 I found out my dad wasn’t really my dad. Thanks nana. The man who raised is my dad to me still.
- Leading on from the last one. Later in life my biological father got in touch and giving it all the life complicated spiel. I was indifferent but figured sure I’ll meet. Turns out he was back with my mum and now I’m back at home and he ain’t ever act like a dad, and now he doesn’t see if other daughters since he got back with my mum. Dudes a joke.
- as you might have noticed I’ve had a tumultuous childhood. Mum spent my formative years flipping between my non-bio dad and the man who I have a half brother with, who I ain’t seen in 30 years. So I spent the time sat in the back of a car whilst she called men to her friend or went in pubs to pour pints on their head.
- one time we came home and saw burglars robbing our flat. Probably something to do with my half brothers dad.
- one time as a young adult, the man that raised me was out getting drunk in his mates house. My mum made me break the door down and she went in all guns blazing grabbing a golf club and going ham.
- Fell in a canal at night off my box on Xanax and thought I might die. Threw out my stashed and literally nearly died from withdrawals.
- surprising not been assaulted many times cause I used to be a righteous mouthy cunt when drunk, i don’t drink at all as I saw how it broke my dad, well my mum did but alcohol didn’t help.
- watched as my mum and dad had a loveless marriage and at the start he used to hit her, then later she bullied his ass for decades. Like take his wages and refuse him money for cigs.
- on way to school vacation and got told my dad was going prison for driving drunk whilst banned.
- saw my tea dumped on her head.
- it’s all coming back now. One time my dad tried to drive the car into our house but it got stuck in the bushes.
That’s just a few, but yeah it’s no wonder I’m fucked, not an excuse as I’ve made progress and got a good job now. Not sure I’m happy but I’ve just shut off the stuff I grew up around as what else can I do.
Do you feel like going through those things made you more angry or more compassionate as an adult? It's really crazy what childhood trauma does to the brain.
I honestly don’t know, I was pretty fucked up until 4 years ago and things only got better as I lucked out and got a job at Apple where they really enforced that you should strive to be the best, plus everyone there was successful in some other way. It came with healthcare which led to an ADHD diagnosis, which led to cutting down on drugs and that led to retraining as a software developer and now totally drug free for almost a month. Been a dev for a year.
Had that not happened I’d still be fucked. Now I don’t know if I was in that state because of my past or not.
To answer your question, I would say compassionate, but again I don’t know if it’s because of the things I went through or just the way I am. I have empathy for days and like to think I am on the right side of history with many things.
Now as the oldest, I saw a lot more than my brothers and they are nothing at all like me in terms of compassion, activism, and genuinely always trying to understand other people. I don’t care if you’re black, white, or pink. Junkie, criminal, or bum. As long as you’re trying to be a better person I will give you time and listen.
Ultimately, I’d say I really don’t know but anger is something I’ve never suffered from. Although there could be an argument for turning any anger inwards in self destructive manners, but again with ADHD they go hand in hand too.
One thing for sure is we are who we are due to our pasts in a certain way and it can be harder for some people and easier for others to overcome it.
Edit: It just occurred to me you said childhood trauma, but I hadn’t really thought about it that much that it would be trauma. Interesting.
I'm glad you found the right place and people at the right time.. It's funny how things like that can make such a huge difference. You're totally right - we're all a product of what we go through. That stuff that happens when you're young.... man that shit can take a long time to process and too often we fuck up a lot of other stuff on the way. I've been really lucky in my life to be in the right place at the right time, to have good people looking out for me, and to be given forgiveness and grace that I didn't deserve at the time.
I really appreciate people who will own up to the breaks we’ve been given or the luck we have had along the way.
I see far too many people believe that nobody else plays a role in their success, which enables them to look down on others as through they’re inferior.
Forgiveness is key to life I think, the old adage of forgive but don’t forget, as if we hold on to grudges or preconceptions of people then we only really hurt ourselves. A lot can be said for humility imo.
Holy shit man, what a ride.
I'm glad you figured some of your shit out and are making progress. I've seen more than one person just crumple under less than half of what you've been through. Big ups, dude.