This hit me like a week ago. I straight up panicked. I still kinda am. I don't know what to do. I'm fucking terrified. How do you learn how to be a girl in your forties? I don't even know how to do makeup, every time I tried it looked like shit.

I thought I was a femboy. A kinky weird femboy with a supportive girlfriend that didn't mind the occasional dressing up. This is probably way too much for her. I think it's too much for me. But now that I know this I can't not know it. It's like my subconscious just came out of nowhere and was like, "Hey you know that quirky thing about you? Well it turns out that's entirely you, and you're miserable trying to deny it. By the way everything in your experience tells you that people will hate you for it, and the state is actively trying to harm people like you. Also crazy people will probably want to kill you about it Byeeeeeeee!"

What do?

Edit: Thanks everyone for all the helpful comments. All this is still big and scary right now, but I feel a little better about where I am now, and the first few steps. This is a good community here.

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[–] subverted_per@sh.itjust.works 6 points 9 months ago (1 children)

The paradox is that most closeted trans people are absolutely terrible at trusting their inner voice. When you spend your whole life with a nagging disconnect between how the world sees you and how you see yourself, it becomes easier to rely on other people to tell you “who you really are.” Even if you know deep down that all the people in your life are missing some fundamental fact about your identity, it’s nearly impossible to avoid listening to others over oneself.

This right here. my instincts are all off because every external voice told me i was wrong my whole life. Like I was always bad at tests because any time there was an obvious answer I had to question the wording or the context because me feeling right about something is always wrong.

[–] knightly@pawb.social 5 points 9 months ago

Those aren't instincts, they're self-defense mechanisms that become habitual in people who have been raised to believe that they can't trust their own feelings.

But you've already broken through the wall of that prison and into the light of self-awareness. Now is the time to start sweeping up the rubble and deciding how you want to use the newly liberated bricks. You're free now~.