this post was submitted on 21 Dec 2023
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I'm a trainwreck right now.
My grandfather suddenly passed away after a prolonged battle with cancer, multiple strokes, and COVID. It was brutal, he was in so much pain for months. What really hurts is that he was a wonderful person, a source of great joy and insight, and most definitely the person who got me into computers at a young age. My youngest coherent memories are of him, and the loss is exceedingly painful.
My stepfather pointed a loaded gun at my autistic little brother and basically kicked him to the street. My little brother has had his fair share of problems with holding down any kind of job, and can barely take care of himself. He was kicked out of a shelter for a messy living space, and living out of a tent next to a YMCA.
My mom was living in fear for a while, as my stepdad increasingly became more paranoid and violent, to the point that she was no longer allowed to talk to us on the phone if he came home. She managed to give him the slip and take the kids with her to go take care of the grandfather on the other side of the country....but, she's in for a messy divorce.
These three things have kind of converged, and a lot of it is starting to resolve finally, but it's been a massive strain on my mental health and my marriage. I'm barely taking care of myself most of the time, and trying to live with anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation...and all of the fun side effects of trying to treat those things with therapy and medication.
I'm so tired. I'm barely eating. I have six months left in a maintenance squadron before I get out of the military, and all I want to do is scream.
Let it out. If you can, try to find a place to let out your frustration, keep going to therapy, it does help, talk to your spouse more, do anything to take your mind off of the stress. Take a minute, an hour, a day even if you can and just breath. It get better, and as you said, it's starting to. You just have to push through it.
Thank you. โค๏ธ I know, and I'm doing my best. It's just my first real experience of dealing with any of this as an adult, and I don't think I've ugly cried harder in my life.
I'm about to fly East next week, to bury my grandfather. I think it will be good for me, but it hurts to let go of someone that so many of my happy memories stemmed from.
It's also a horrifying thought to me that this is the logical conclusion of "growing old with someone". One of you is going to go first, and it's going to be the worst pain the other person has ever felt.