vestmoria

I believe this is something only each of us can answer, because where each person draws the line is always going to be different, or am I wrong?

I don’t know if I’m being reasonable with my red lines:

My parents are conservative Mexican. I was raised with Christian dogmas and clear social roles (men don’t cook or do the laundry, only women do). To my parents and people like them, family, or what they think of as family, comes always first: It is imperative we all meet several times a year, even if you don’t want to, because that’s what we’re supposed to do. I’m expected to attend, to pretend I like my extended family (people I have nothing in common with), to “do it for them” (for my parents, in the past this form of emotional manipulation worked, since 4 months it doesn’t anymore). I hated that as a child and if I ever have children I won’t put them to such BS.

My grandfather was mentally ill and insulted me, my siblings and my mother for most of my childhood until he died, while my father enabled that pos. In Mexico it is expected that families take care of such issues within the family, because asking for help elsewhere means the family loses face. I’ve already told my parents that if they ever become psychologically unstable and start insulting and ranting no stop, I’m not going to take care of them, I’m calling APS. I don’t know if they registered it when I said it.

Maybe because I was raised in such a strict, self censoring and conformist family I now want to defend my independence at any cost. Cue meeting people halfway or being a doormat.

If a woman I’m dating asks me to do “something for her”, my first instinct will be to run no looking back and ghost. If I stay trying to convince her that’s not a good idea explaining why, that means in my book she already manipulated me into listening to her and that she can keep manipulating me. I don’t know if this is self sabotage, but I see it as self defense.

If a woman I’m dating asks me about my parents and the issue of providing for elderly parents is discussed, it wouldn’t make any sense to sugarcoat it, I’d say what I just wrote here. If she accuses me of being a psychopath and starts with “they’re your parents”, as if that was a reason good enough to forgive everything in the past, I’d run and ghost. I don’t know if you see this as self sabotage, but I see it as self defense.

There are other examples I’ve heard at the workplace over couple problems that to me are simply ludicrous and would make me want to run away:

he wanted Chinese, she wanted Mexican and couldn’t agree what restaurant to call. My solution would be to order what I want, telling my partner to order what she wants. Why must we order from the same restaurant? Why so much drama over something so insignificant? Or she can order what she wants and I can cook.

She made weekend plans without telling him beforehand, he wanted to rest, grab a beer, go fishing and do nothing else. She wanted to have lunch with another couple (double date), he said no, because he wanted a quiet weekend and suggested she goes alone with the couple. She started yelling about not doing things together.

But why must couples do everything together? Why is doing things separately not a good idea? He gets his peace and she gets to socialize.

If meeting somebody halfway means doing something I don’t want to do, I don’t want a relationship with this person.

If a person I’m dating feels entitled to try to change me, I don’t see how a relationship would work. Am I a narcissist?

this is a continuation to my post 'where do you draw the line if you ponder quitting a job?'

manager is now 'helping' me find a position elsewhere, but I believe she dislikes me so much she wants me gone asap. Her friends have turned to silent treatment mode. Each day, she asks me if I've interviewed already. It's like she wants me to have a new job lined up before Christmas already.

it's starting to sink in that she doesn't want me, but I'm not so sure I want to quit:

I know it doesn't make any sense. As said, I dislike 30% of my coworkers and if I've already told management with my union representative present that as soon as I find something else I quit, I should be consequent and do that. I dislike getting up at 4:30 to get to work at 06:00, yet this is the kind of life I know, the routines I've grown to be used to, this gives me a feeling of security, even though I come here so often to rant and complain about my job and my coworkers.

Can you believe I'm thinking about politely asking this manager if we can work things out? I must really be bipolar.

I don't understand why I'm so incoherent. I'm the drama queen now.

I feel like a child who postured and lost.

Every crisis is an opportunity, people say, but even though I should think like this and boldly leave, I'm scared that my new position will be as bad or worse than the old one, the same drama, the same backstabbing and playing favorites. It would be really tiring to get out of the frying pan to get into the fire.

And, should I change?

I'm 38 years old, single, not interested in starting a family (my mother was a drama queen and I couldn't live that again with a partner or a child), don't own any property, not really a consumerist person, I max my 401k and save 70% of my net income because most of the stuff society tells me to buy is irrelevant to me (I still own clothes I bought 20 years ago and they still fit me), don't need a car and use a bike or public transportation, I prefer to cook at home because it's cheaper and I can choose what I cook. I stopped drinking alcohol 10 years ago. I'm definitively not an extrovert.

I majored in philosophy because I liked it and I still do, but never found a job with my major. I tried being a high school teacher, but teenagers are way too much for me. Nursing, what I do now, is a versatile and safer job, even if I think it's slowly killing me.

I feel cheated in life.

For 15 years I lived paycheck to paycheck paying off my debt, often having to move due to increased rent so this might be my way of coping with trauma. I still feel I'm way behind most people my age. I feel like a loser because I imagine them knowing better than me what they want in life.

It's true that comparison is the thief of joy, but I cannot stop ruminating about this.

If you read my post history you'll realize I don't really care about my job, but stay because I need a paycheck and I like having a big rainy day fund. If I was a millionaire, I'd stop working. I don't like any job.

It might be true that I'm autistic, because close human connections where never that important to me and most people I work with are not close to me, but as I'm nearing 40 I'm starting to think if my destiny is going to be to live and die alone in a nursing home. Sometimes this scares me, but I always go back to my apathetic, indifferent self, like I'm on some kind of drug that makes me not feel anything, neither good or bad, like my emotional brain is underdeveloped.

What I don't want to be is this desperate loner craving for any kind of human attention turning to post his whole life online hoping a good Samaritan comes and saves me. First because it's pathetic and secondly because that's never a good foundation to build a friendship, I'd be inviting a predator, another crazy loner, a newborn Christian to save me with god, somebody trying to scam me with a MLM scheme or an antivaxer into my life. And I'm not a 20 year old discovering the world, I'm almost 40.

Every woman I've been attracted to has ignored me and every woman that showed an interest in me wasn't good enough to me: she could be eager to make a connection, put an interest, even pretty and genuine but I cannot fake being in love or feeling attraction. I always ended up considering them as friends or acquaintances. I'm too old and too introverted (autistic?) to visit a club and try to impress a woman to go out with me.

I don't think this is depression, depression would be me not going to work not even calling in sick.

It seems clear I need a friend, but I don't know how to make friends anymore. I focused so much on surviving that I stopped caring about anyone else.

I'm very confused about quitting my current position as a nurse. This is not a typical one man job, but you need a team. I'm pondering staying for some members of the team:

I get along with 40% of the staff, 30% of staff are absolute slackers who master the social game and get away doing way less than the rest and go smoking with my manager, who enjoys and needs the attention. I'm indifferent to the other 30%, who also work well.

I know I may not sound like a reliable narrator, it's just that I don't want to get anywhere near this 30% of lazy, childish, gossip staff.

I had a meeting with management with my union representative present. Long story short, I told management as soon as I find a new job within the same hospital system, I'd stop working at my current unit with my manager. She forgives the ones she likes and treats me differently, I'm not likable and being forced to give attention to people I'm indifferent to is very tiring. I'm there to work, she seems to expect I give her attention and stop doing my job to ask about her weekend. Not gonna happen.

Day 1 post meeting: manager and all her friends ignore me, go somewhere else when I enter the room.

Day 3 post meeting: friendly call from manager asking if I can come in on a free day, cause somebody called in sick.

Every other interaction with my manager since day 3 has been friendly, which is something new.

I have no problem working with people who understand they're at a workplace to work, because we all need the money and want to go home afterwards, it's the lazy ones that sit, talk and then expect me to do their job the ones I hate with a burning passion.

Since the meeting I've decided to use my current unit to learn as much as I can before I (possibly?) leave. Not because I suddenly feel this is a calling, but because the more I know about my field, the easier is gonna be to find a new job, either within my system or in a new one. I've also discovered I like explaining patients what happens to their bodies after their operation and how medicines work.

But I don't dislike the whole unit, I just want to keep my manager at a distance and don't work with that 30% of slackers.

It's wearing me down.

Due to reasons I'm a nurse.

Possibly not the best choice for an introvert who wants to work and go home, but it is what it is.

I had a conversation with management and they told me I don't open up, which is fair and true and told me to be more empathetic with my coworkers.

Except that I can't and I don't care about most of them. As said, I just want to work and go home. I consider most of them childish, gossipy and immature. Of course I didn't tell management this.

I told them an extrovert is not who I am, if you force me to open up, I cannot disconnect during my pause and I'm going to work worse. I like doing my pause only when I've done my job whereas my other coworkers do their pause sooner, no matter if patients are cared for, which I don't understand but whatever. Some people including my manager think I do that to avoid them. No, I just want to do my job before I relax. And I relax alone.

They believe this is a choice. When my coworkers talk and talk, they overload me and I just want to work and go home.

I'm constantly misunderstood. My job shouldn't be to give attention to my coworkers or to management, yet here I am.

I'm applying for jobs elsewhere but I'm afraid I'm going to have this problem wherever I go, simply because most people in nursing are gossips and enjoy attention. This is what I fear the most, having to constantly change workplaces due to perceived slights and office theatrics I don't want to play and I'm so not good at playing.

Masking up and creating a workplace bubbly persona would destroy my mental health. Too much overload.

I'm not in a position where I can study something else, cause nothing interests me that much and I need money now.

Ideally I'd find a workplace that respects who I am without incurring a heavy financial penalty, but don't know what nursing option would give me that.

What I also don't want to do is to create a job interview persona, because sooner or later the real me will surface, a person extroverts don't want to work with. I'd like to go to a job interview telling them exactly this, that I'm not there to socialize but to work and go home and that I want to do my job but this doesn't mean I'm letting them exploit me (giving me a bigger workload than to other nurses for example).

I want to come clean to any future employer about this. Should I?

and what for?

I don't understand the theatrics involved and being brutally honest, once I've decided a workplace is not a good fit I don't give a f*ck about it and put all my energies into transitioning to the new job.

Even if I may find the same sh*t at my new workplace, things cannot stand as they are now and I have to move on. I have to leave.

I don't believe any rational person would act differently.

People happy with their jobs don't go job hunting or interviewing. It's always the unhappy ones, the unfulfilled ones the ones that yearn for change, for something different the ones looking. It could be your micromanaging manager, it could be coworkers playing favorites or doing several 20 minute smoking pauses plus their regular 30 minute one...

Why pretend everything's sweet and dandy at the current workplace? It's ridiculous.

I'm now at a situation were I don't care about burning bridges and calling a spade a spade if they ask why I'm leaving (my coworkers are petty, childish, lazy, don't see that I'm constantly working while they talk about stupid issues and still need my help to finish their job), I work more than them and they still have an attitude with me.

If I leave my current workplace, chances are I won't come back nor work with my coworkers in the future. And even if I had to work with any of them in the future, why would I want to suffer that again? I'd reject that offer.

I value being sincere and while I could play the stupid game and claim I'll call them or hope our paths cross again (dear god, no) fully knowing that's a lie, I'd rather be direct and leave no looking back.

Even if you play theatrics because you think it's the only way to survive because you need the money, doesn't that mess with your mind, constantly having to suffer people you despise? I couldn't do it. My mental health is more important than playing stupid games (just my 0.02$).

so I'm a nurse and today was my 5th day on a row and I don't understand why my legs hurt. I didn't work harder today than other days, nor did I have to work with fat patients. I just had to walk a lot, but not much more than other days.

On my free time I like jogging and doing yoga, and right after I feel how my legs are looser and more relaxed. I however cannot go jogging every day. Today was my second day on a row not jogging.

Can this be the reason I'm in pain?

If running before my shifts actually helps me not to have pain after my shifts, how can that be? I'm basically using the same muscles.

most of the nurses I work with, I don't care about them, but there are five that for whatever reason took an interest to teach me several little tricks that make my job run smoother.

Before I leave the unit and hospital, I'd like to give each one of them a small token of appreciation.

All of them are women, 2 of them are married, this is in no way whatsoever romantic.

i was thinking pastries but not for the whole unit, but for each of them.

Another option would be a flower for each one of them.

I don't know them that well personally, because I'm on the introverted side and like to separate my private life from my workplace.

cross-posted from: https://linux.community/post/1769411

and, are there specialties that require more dedication than others?

and, are there specialties that require more dedication than others?

yet another post about the expletive I used at the workplace (the word fuck).

I asked my union representative who, among other things, suggested to explain to the coworker why I used the word, but so far I haven't worked with her again. To me, using that word while working means nothing, but I can change my behavior around some coworkers if they find the word so offensive.

As I was sitting working my manager came to me, not asking but demanding I explain myself for using the word. She didn't ask for my side of the story, which is the reason why I want a union representative present, because otherwise my manager will start yelling and won't let me speak, and I still don't know how many times she claims I used that word, if I yelled or if I told anyone to eff off.

First words out of my mouth: I'm not going to talk about this without a union representative present.

She kept pushing it, and I kept repeating my position. We repeated our sentences four times. Then she said she would inform HR, I simply said they can come, so we all four conduct the meeting.

Just as I thought we were going to agree on a time and place for a meeting, she leaves.

I asked: Aren't we going to agree on a time and place to conduct the meeting?

Her answer: you can do that yourself.

I contacted my union representative who told me his available time slots for the next 3 weeks.

Since then I've been transferred to another unit (worse one) and another unit within the same system and city has offered me a job, starting in March 2025.

I still don't understand why my manager left so abruptly and the transfer feels like retaliation, but she is well within her rights to do that.

I guess I'm well within my rights to quit the unit, but the whole situation feels strange.

I also feel my manager is playing power games: It's me the one who has to ask for a meeting with her and HR, it's me the one who has to state a reason good enough for the meeting to take place.

I feel she thought she could corner me and wasn't expecting me to have contacted the union.

When people yell at me I either yell back, go away or tell the other party to wait for a meeting with somebody I trust, like a union representative.

Even if you believe I've been an idiot for saying that word at the workplace, at least you'll agree this is a learning experience. Be professional at the workplace, coworkers are not your friends, be good at what you do.

If I quit, this episode is not the only reason why, but the straw that broke the camel's back.

What would you do?

followed with 'I wasn't aware is so important to you. I didn't want to insult you and if you felt so, I apologize. The word fuck is one I use very often, but I'll try to control myself around you'

Note I didn't insult the coworker (no fuck you or fuck off), but simply said 'fuck' out loud due to a job error.