Hobbes

I'm so sorry. Thank you for taking the time to share and for your kind words.

Thank you for your kind words.

I didn't fight for him. I didn't even try. When I called his oncology doctor and left a message, I heard back from a nurse and got no information. And further, the nurse said that the doctor doesn't speak with family of patients and wouldn't be calling me back. I should have taken my rage at that obviously fucked response and done something, whether it be forcing him to talk to me, or finding another oncologist. But I didn't. I just receded into myself and did nothing. Every single day I drove to the hospital over and over again, I'd pull over and cry before I got there. But I was so paralyzed by my fear about what was happening that I didn't turn it into action. I just asked for a nicer chair in the hospital room so I could hang out for hours on end with my dad as he died. He would have done everything in his power to help me, and for some reason I was such a scared little shit that I didn't think to become the caretaker of my dad, who was always my caretaker. He needed me and I failed him.

I seriously appreciate your response and your willingness to be vulnerable in sharing your own loss. I am sorry. I'm so deep in sadness that I am having a hard time processing anything.

I don't know why I'm sharing this. I am just a piece of shit and sorry for contaminating a good (I hope?) ST thread with my own BS

He also raised me on Star Trek, if that helps bring it back to why I'm here.

Just as an aside, my dad died horribly this past xmas after 6 months of cancer gradually destroying him and everything he'd worked so hard for. He was one of the most fit people I knew until that. He grew up skiing and was a junior patroller at 15 in colorado. By the time I was born, he was patrolling as a doctor and took me everywhere he could, and when he couldn't, he just told me to go to the patrol shack and wait. Anyways, I was with him for those last 6 months, but I curled up in a ball and did nothing to try to make his doctors do anything or find alternative treatment options like the Mayo clinic. I just curled up in a ball of fear and anxiety and did nothing. I was just paralyzed. My dad would have gone to the ends of the earth for me, and I didn't even try to save him. I don't know how to live with that.

There are literally dozens of us! Dozens!

(but seriously, I constantly read posts from people about how they need star trek to make them feel ok enough to fall asleep. Or even just the thrum of the Enterprise-D's warp core).

I like jack black, but seriously fuck him for this and for not taking a stand against fascism.

I tried that multiple times. GOogle ignores my setting.

Um, seriously fuck that.