BonesOfTheMoon

I'll start looking. Thank you friend. It's been a very hard week.

Thank you. I'm so very overwhelmed with all of this and I'm also only scratching the surface of how bad it all is; I can't really find the ability to concentrate on all the details anymore. It's just like endless waves of trauma washing over me and I'm so numb I don't even notice. I cannot cry anymore, and I just try to make the best out of my days without getting into anything with him. It's so hard to even review with my therapist because I shut out most of the details. Also I work two jobs, about 11 hours a weekday and 6-8 hours on weekends, and it just makes it hard to accomplish anything or fix anything or feel anything but trying to power through. I hope I can escape too.

Debt repayment, finding housing, replacing all furniture and kitchenware and vehicle and all I would need to set up house, and to have any hope of ever retiring. I am not good with money so this may be incorrect, but I'd also need to pay a lawyer and probably get a restraining order.

Rent. Probably at least 150K.

The only answer is money and being able to get away safely with my dogs without being harassed endlessly for the rest of my life with threats and abuse and maybe even lawsuits. I was on the cusp of leaving in 2015 when I was in a position of more power and he threatened to sue me for money, and he'd have his siblings who he is estranged from testify on his behalf about his childhood so the judge would take his side against me because he wasn't responsible for what he did you me, or something like that. I have exactly zero money to do anything about this.

Sometimes I realize when he's screaming at me that he has a underground river of insanity running through him that he conceals mostly through artful manipulation and mostly not having relationships with others.

If I don't get money I cannot get away.

I wish I could answer this in a way that is not scary and dangerous but I can't.

He spent part of last Sunday shouting at me that I've been "lost in my head with all my old ghosts" since the news of my aunt's diagnosis with cancer last month, which thankfully seems to have been well resolved with surgery and she is on the mend. I think it's normal to be upset and worried and distracted about the health of someone you love dearly, and I can't say I've been particularly preoccupied or any of the things he accused me of either, just maybe a little less cheerful than usual really. I consider my reaction to be a normal human reaction.

But the light went on for me, he is not capable of handling me having any negative emotions or feelings, and not capable of me worrying about someone else's well being because he's terrified that it might displace his need for all of the attention. It's pure undiluted narcissistic behaviour, ensuring his needs are the all encompassing ones.

He's thrown a potholder at me recently for putting it away crooked and shaken his fist in my face and threatened to not pay my credit cards because he was being a sociopath about me changing the temperature settings in the car when I drive it, as if pushing a button is such a difficult thing to do. Yesterday he called me at work for "using too many teaspoons", as if he's not capable of using the dishwasher or washing one if he really desperately needs it. Imagine calling someone at work to shout at them about that.

So I don't have an answer that isn't a bad one. I'm sorry.

I see nothing changing and everything getting gradually worse until I crack.

I bet they will,things are moving quickly.

Wow that's terrible.

Grapefruit!

The singer Neko Case, the drag queen Vanjie (she just makes me insanely happy), the artist Alex Katz (96 and still painting!), my very sweet church friends including all the children who pile onto me like puppies because I spoil them rotten, my aunt some of my extremely wonderful patients who I would give a kidney to if they needed it, my Livejournal friends who I've never actually met, the writer Jonathan Carroll, and the singer Nick Cave.

Jesus Christ how can they even do that?