Programmer Humor

PM: "Hey, I know you said it'll be done in a week, and you need me to stay out of your way so you can focus, but it's been 7 hours and I was wondering if you have an update for me. Can you create a report that outlines what you've done, what is remaining, and precisely when each step will be finished so that I can pester you about each step throughout the development process, interrupting your productivity? It makes me feel like I'm contributing."

"Quick! Hurry! Scrum! 5 minute stand up team! We need to sort this crisis out NOW!"

"Joe! The building is on fire! Move! RUN!"

"No! We need to have a meeting first! SCRUM! STAND UP! AGILE! SILICON VALLEY!!!1!!!1!! When is the next sprint!?"

Looking for a passionate, motivated team member to be part of a newly refreshed team created to replace an unsuccessful team (RIP) promoting our incredibly competitive product!

• You must have at least 40 years experience working with Windows 11.
• GENEROUS remuneration package!*
• You need to be able to work 26 hours a day 9 days per week.
• You will need to bring PASSION! ENTHUSIASM! EXCITEMENT! [synonym not found]!, and GRIT!

*as we are a small start up, we can't afford to pay wages, but when we are successful, we promise to write your name somewhere on an archived version of our website.

HOW MANY STORY POINTS DOES IT TAKE TO SAVE THE WORLD?

Do I really need to open a ticket for this

Yes

UNIRONICALLY, ASSHOLE! IT'S THE FIRST THING YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE!!!

Fucking "hey guys, we are bringing in someone from another department and they need to catch up. What's the project looking like?"

"I don't know. Nobody wrote anything down and now it's scattered across six didn't PCs in various states of dysfunction."

IT guys think they're all Michael Jordan right until they get the ball.

Not programming, but the plot of Shin Godzilla was about bureaucratic red tape holding back the actual solutions.

Tickets aren't agile, tickets are scrum.

When a team of programmers is left to their own devices, they too screw shit up. They all do things in their own way and argue over what is best, and often fail to see the bigger picture.

I watch scope creep and lack of organizational planning from both programmers and managers. It's all personality issues.

I also don't believe anyone actually follows or knows what agile is (not saying I do either). Everyone on every team at every place sure talks about it, but it doesn't seem like anyone actually does it. These are all just labels for "we adapted as we went."

An app that will save the world…and other fantasies that software developers tell themselves to feel important

"Why isn't this ready yet? The meteors are falling in an hour?"

- Oh sorry I got distracted by Youtube for a minute

"...You've been doing this for a week"

The sequel is when the original programmers die and a new team has to come in and figure out WTF their code is doing or even supposed to be doing.

Proj. Mgr: “We’re tracking our development work in this Excel spreadsheet on Teams. Be sure to update it regularly…”

15 mins later.

Proj. Mgr: “We’re tracking our development work in Azure DevOps. Be sure to update it regularly…”

15 mins later.

Proj. Mgr: “We’re tracking our development work in Smartsheet. Be sure to update it regularly…”

15 mins later.

Proj. Mgr: “We’re tracking our development work in ServiceNow Virtual Taskboard. Be sure to update it regularly…”

The person in charge trying to coordinate the whole thing, who's asking for status updates on a daily basis and jumps down your throat if you don't respond in a timely fashion, takes weeks to respond when asked for critical input. Also....

Leader: The world is going to end in 5 days, we need that product now!!!

Programming team delivers a functional product.

4 days later...

Programming team: did our item save the world

Leader: I haven't gotten to it yet, I'll take a look by EoD.

They don't know there are 20 other life and death situations that came before them. GET. IN. LINE.

Yeah, except Joe doesn't just say "yes". He's got some corpo speak about making sure outcomes align with the the most emergent needs and ensuring Joe has a he right information to manage expectations.

Half way into saving the World it turns out you need some data that's not even being collected, something that nobody had figured out because nobody analysed the problem properly beforehand, and now you have to take a totally different approach because that can't be done in time.

Also the version of a library being include by some dependency of some library you included to do something stupidly simple is different from the version of the same library being included by some dependency of a totally different library somebody else includeed to do something else that's just as stupidly simple and neither you nor that somebody else want to be the one to rewrite their part of the code.

Not a movie but I feel like Mr Robot had somewhat accurate scenes

All programmers are goth supermodels.

I once read about Andy Warhol's film Empire and thought it could form a decent stylistic background for a movie about your average programmer's work day.

One continuous 8 hour shot of a programmer sitting by a computer, slowly scrolling through a code, pausing for a long time to stare at particular sections, and occasionally saying "why the fuck doesn't this work?"

Click, click, clickity-click, click.

I'm in!

Not software, one my the reasons I dropped The Flash tv series was the speed at which the "techie" created new tech that would win anyone several noble prizes.

Some grad included unecessary libraries held over from them dorking around on a testbed that cost the company $40,000 and blew the code out tenfold

Some people like happy movies, some like action movies or horror movies even!

I like frustrating movies.

silicon valley tv series