I used to have this problem until I realized that pretty much none of the obligations are really obligatory. Now I have a new, different set of problems instead.
this post was submitted on 13 Oct 2023
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The way I partially solved this for myself is to put all my obligations to other people into a single note on my phone. Then, I just check the note once a day, set phone alarms with titles for any commitments coming up (usually only the next day), and forget about it. If the commitment is particularly complex, I'll write up a full set of notes before I go to bed (when I'm ruminating about it) and make sure it is the first thing I will see (after the lock screen if you use one) when my alarm wakes me up.
It's "partially" solved because I still want a ton of notice before I agree to any commitments, which some people are not amenable to. But once I get that notice, I'll be there whether I want to do or (wildly more likely) not.
This reminds me of something I saw where someone was talking about how their brain goes into "waiting" mode when they know they have some kind of obligation later in the day, and they can't focus or enjoy themselves even if it is hours away. Both that and this post speak to me a lot.
Wow, yeah... 1-2 hours of free time before a commitment is often utterly wasted. Can't shift my focus to anything else. I was nervous for hours leading up to a concert I went to recently. I've been to the venue so many times, but I was unfamiliar with the headliner and was on edge until I was seated waiting for it to start.
Yup, that sounds like "waiting mode" alright.
This except the thing could be days or even weeks away. When I was younger I would simply avoid accepting any such future "obligations". I always had to be be on the same routine. Actually I still like to be on the same routine, but heavily using my phone's calendar to schedule things and forget them until they're close worked wonders. It's still a struggle sometimes but I'm in my 40 now and functioning.
I have this "waiting mode" too but it's only for things happening on the same day. The more important the appointment the more hours before it starts. In this time it's close to impossible to concentrate on anything not related to preparation of the event (even if it requires none) and absolutely impossible to get real rest.
edit: The best strategy I have found so far is scheduling important appointments as early in the day as possible.
This is everyone in the world I think. Like even people who like their jobs, it’s work because it’s usually scheduled. Going on vacation? fuck I might not really feel like it that day and there’s so much to do before hand. Some fun outing? If it’s scheduled it’s also a pain in the ass.
Are there any events that you refuse to miss that are not scheduled by you? Movies, TV shows, concerts or something similar?
Try to think of family events in the same way. Give yourself permission to disrupt your normal schedule in the same way you would for a special one-time event. If you try it and your anxiety level doesn't improve, you can always go back to dwelling on it to the point of dreading.
oh.my.god...You put words on an experience I have several times each day that I didn't know how to express. Literally, 99% of everything I agree to do or schedule to do for myself feels like an obligation. It can be dinner with a friend, getting a massage, going to sleep, waking up, going on vacation, showering, or trying on shoe sizes. Nearly EVERY SINGLE THING I SCHEDULE is preceded by me regretting to have scheduled it, followed by me being upset that I have to do it. If it was something I enjoyed, I would then get upset with myself afterwards for wanting to avoid it, followed by taking a futile note to not want to avoid it next time. Why is this a thing? It's so exhausting.
Could this be an ADHD thing also? On the few occasions that I have taken an ADHD stimulant, I have actually been excited to do something
This is how my wife and I are, as well. It really is exhausting.
I think some of it is a level of social anxiety. Some of it is this feeling of not wanting to "waste" our time (even though we understand rationally that doing nothing is usually the more objective waste). Some of it is a constant feeling of exhaustion, and a fear that whatever thing we are planned for will result in us feeling even more exhausted. And maybe part of it is simply depression.
I don't know, but it's not a super healthy-feeling way to go through life, that's for sure.
Sucks that you guys are going through that. Hopefully, you guys could figure a way out.
Hey, you too buddy. Thanks. As with anything there are ups and downs. We just take each day as it comes.
The same thing happens to me and it is exhausting
It does though, I don't take it as necessarily bad unless of course I don't have an exact timeline for said thing. I hate when given vague statements like "sometime this afternoon" or "in a little while." If I have a precise time for it, it stays in my mind just enough that I don't forget. But if I don't have any timeline, it ruins my entire day. I can't plan around it, and I dread starting something else only to be interrupted midway through.
I recently learned about Pathological Demand Avoidance - it’s been helpful as a framework for me to understand some of my own frequent experiences in this area. Particularly in the instances when it’s all internal: a goal I’ve set or a promise I’ve made to myself can often become the one thing I will avoid at all costs for no apparent reason. Between PDA and just general executive dysfunction (yayy AuDHD), learning about these things helps me understand why it can be so unbelievably hard for me to get anything done sometimes. Still sucks, but it makes more sense :)
Is this a trait of autism ?