this post was submitted on 12 Jul 2023
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You're right, but I'm not sure you understand the mechanics behind it. You probably think since you don't look like a gigachad, that you don't get dates. Women do care about looks sometimes, but not nearly as much as guys tend to fixate on. The quality I hear women trying to find most in a man is decency, followed by personality, shared interests, connection and then yeah, I guess looks.
The trope you're playing is funny, which is why we keep seeing it in media. A similar trope is seeing a "10/10" girl with a "3/10" guy and saying.. "him!?!" Or something about him needing to be rich or something.. because women only care about looks. In reality it seems that men think women only care about looks.
So, just keep in mind, if women won't date you, it has to do with a lot more than your looks. You can take that as a burn, or you can look within yourself, see if you think you have what women want (what I have mentioned) and if so, you're at the longest and final stage: putting yourself out there.
Edit: just to clarify, I define "decency" with a simple test which is "do I participate in any activities that go against what women are asking have been asking for for decades?" Things like right-wing politics (abortion bans, subservience to men), a livable wage, repect for consent, etc.. if the answer is no, you aren't "decent". They aren't asking for power over men, they're asking not to get raped and to have the bodily autonomy just as men have. They are asking guys not to hypersexualize them from children and try to understand that they aren't flirting with you at work, they just need to be nice to keep their job, and that they receive a lot of unwanted attention. They're also asking for guys to take them seriously and a lot of them would want men to know that they don’t bring these topics up because it can create an unsafe situation for them, that it even might have in their past, possibly more than once. We think that we know who men are when we see how they behave around other men. Unfortunately an astoundingly large number of men are abusive to women when other men aren't around. So yeah, you fail the decency test for politics if those politics harm women.
Your very first step should be therapy/medication. We're all just randos on the internet and won't be able to give the same personalized treatment as someone who spent the better part of a decade studying this stuff.
Healthy habits will also help. Just 2 hours of walking total in a week makes a huge difference. You can carve out 20 minutes a day and take one day off a week, or do it all in one go on a nature hike. Cut out alcohol entirely if possible, it's literally poison and exacerbates mental health issues. Sleep at least 6 hours, cut down on processed junk.
Beyond that I recommend finding local social spaces, like a board game shop, and going there when you feel ready. You could reach out to the owners and see if any special accommodations can be made. The hardest part will be walking in the door - the trick I use is to tell myself I'll just stick around for 1 hour (30 minutes, 5 minutes, whatever you are able) and then leave if I'm having a bad time.
Aside from that, focus on making friends first and often a relationship will organically grow from there. I won't pretend that it's easy, but it's absolutely possible. You are deserving of love and acceptance just as much as anybody else.
Oops I mean your friend lol.