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The first one, spaghettification is the result of the gravitational gradient across the object falling into the black hole.
From the perspective of an outsider, the opposite actually happens. The object falling in becomes more and more flat, dimmer and dimmer, and appears to stop moving, eventually becoming an infinitely dim 2d imprint on the surface of the event horizon
Spaghettification can actually occur outside the evet horizon in smaller black holes, as they have steeper gravitational gradients
I suppose the part i'm having trouble with, is that extreme gravitational gradients also bring with it extreme warping of space time. Meaning since the space is also being warped, with the object within it, is it actually being destroyed? So if a 1m3 object in a 1m3 space is acted in by an extreme gravitational anomaly that warps the space to 5m3, is the object actually being warped to 5m3, since the space itself is warped, i.e. it's still relatively the same size as the space it occupies.
Not a physicist btw, so pls be gentle.
Objects can be destroyed by being too large and coming too close to a gravitational field. If the moon were to come too close to the earth it would break up due to the pull on one end being stronger (and too strong) than on the other. That radius can be calculated.
Funnily enough with supermassive black holes that radius actually lies inside the event horizon. So an object falling straight in there wouldn't experience any spaghettification before the point of no return.
Spaghettification is completely independent of relativistic effects; it just has to do with the gravitational gradient near a very massive body. An object near a massive body experiences more gravity on its "near end" than its "far end" which causes a stretching force. This does mean that spaghettification would be noticeable, and likely very uncomfortable as you're ripped apart by extreme forces.
Imagine you are falling, but someone hooks something onto your feet, and attaches it to a rocket that shoots downwards at a speed far faster than you are falling at, so fast that it rips your legs off.
That’s what spaghettification is. One part of your body is being pulled in so much harder than the other part of your body that it rips you apart.
Sounds like it'd be faster than the nervous system could process pain?
That depends on the specifics of the black hole you are falling into. It could be over in the blink of an eye, or it could be like one of those medieval torture machines. The main difference being the mass: a smaller black hole would kill you faster.