this post was submitted on 09 Jul 2023
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Autism

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I don't understand why I can't be blunt. (lemmy.world)
submitted 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) by larsthespacepirate@lemmy.world to c/autism@lemmy.world
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lemmy deleted my completely finished post right before posting so let's try this again. I find it so annoying that I have to sugarcoat everything. I feel like I'm coddling people. I understand being polite to strangers, but it's so annoying when my family, who knows I'm autistic, gets upset at my bluntness. I've explained multiple times that I'm not trying to be rude and I'm just trying to communicate in a way that works for me, but it doesn't work. I just don't understand why I have to say "hey, would you mind not letting the dogs tangle? thank you:)" in some high pitched voice when I could just say, "can you not let the dogs tangle?" in a tone that conveys I'm serious. it's so much easier when intentions are simply stated.

edit: I'm having trouble posting comments but thank you for all your responses! it's helping me see things a bit easier, and I definitely have things I can work on now :)

another edit for clarity: my family and I have talked about my communication style. I've tried to find ways to meet them in the middle, as I want a compromise. they've been unsuccessful but I'm continuing to try. I want to be at a point where it's not stressful and exhausting to talk to my family. this was more of just a vent post, as I was feeling really annoyed.

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[–] Th4tGuyII@kbin.social 23 points 1 year ago

When I was younger, I used to fall into this pit-trap myself. The big problem is language and communication just don't work like you'd want it to.

What you intended don't really matter, it's all about other people's interpretations of your intentions. So when you say:

"can you not let the dogs tangle?"

Your bluntness leaves an uncertainty in their interpretation of your intentions, which they will fill in with your serious tone as being minorly aggressive and accusatory. Naturally they will take offense at that.

Those platitudes exist to eliminate that uncertainty, to make sure that their interpretation of your intentions matches more closely to what they actually are. It works great for neurotypical folks as most of them have a natural intuition using these platitudes (or not using them to cause offence.).

We have to do much more to learn what those folks grasp naturally, and it can be a source of stress. It's part of what causes my social anxiety, as even now I'm not particularly great at reading the cues neurotypical folks give off, so I struggle to come up with a timely response.