this post was submitted on 31 Aug 2024
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Autism
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I am a bit jealous of your ability to build it up like that. Happy for you, but frustrated for myself. The ADHD parts of my brain scream bloody murder any time a routine starts to set in. It's like, I know I need some sort of structure. But even for things I want to do, the internal pushback against Time To Do The Thing is almost primal. It's a pain in the ass, and it's only gotten worse with age (and trauma). The executive dysfunction is all knotted up with the anxiety, depression, stress, OCD tendencies, and unresolved trauma, woven through with recently-diagnosed autism that's been there my whole life (yay hindsight) and a rigid mask that I built myself around since childhood. Trying to tease out a dangling thread just pulls the whole knot tighter.
Sorry to hear about that it sounds very hard.
It definitely wasn't as easy as it might have sounded and I was very lucky to have been given a second chance where I was able to focus on these things.
But one of the biggest lessons I have learned along the way is that those people who say give it 100% are not for me. The only way I can get anywhere is to give it 5-10% today and then just keep trying to do 5-10% everyday. Eventually that 5-10% becomes 20, 30, etc. until I get in a nice rhythm whereas if I started by pushing myself to 100% on day one I would never do anything on day two. Not trying to say it's what's right for everyone or that it would work for you, but I wish you the best, it's a hard path.
A thousand times this. I've been in group therapy most of this year. A lot of faces have come and gone. I've gotten so tired of hearing variations on the above (along with the usual suggestions of task chunking, do X for Y minutes then break/reward, etc). But I've also learned how to handle it better. I assume good faith on their part and do what I can to explain my experience. Not everyone is going to get it, and to them I usually say "I hope you never understand." But there's almost always someone else nodding along... it's nice to not feel alone, but at the same time I feel awful that they know the nightmare.
I'm happy you got that second chance. We all need a mulligan sometimes. But so often it's not an option. Society is all round holes, and has little patience for the square pegs. I somehow made it work for 40 some odd years, but it took its toll.
And thank you for the kind words. Best to you as well. 🍻