this post was submitted on 11 Feb 2024
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I wasn't going to comment on this because I've been in a monogamous relationship for 15 years at this point, but one thing I noticed in the comments is really interesting to me.
Pretty much everybody is saying they know they're attracted to someone physically/sexually right away, and that was not my experience when I was dating regularly. Maybe I'm odd, but I always found that most of the time I would get to know a person first and then I would start to notice things about them that I found attractive and kind of mold my way of thinking and looking at them around those things that I was attracted to in them. Sure, there were exceptions, there are people out there where I was just like - damn everything about that person is hot (my wife being one of those) - but I dated women with a wide variety of physical features and really the only commonality was that I liked being around them. The physical stuff was secondary (although still important) for me.
Maybe you're a Demisexual. For me, I can experience initial sexual attraction to people, but I never act on it. But my actual relationships have been similar to you: I knew them first as acquaintances/friends, we'd hang out, then I'd develop an attraction. My longest relationship was that way. We were simply friends for some months. Well, she liked me as I found out later, but I didn't pick up on it (typical guy). Wasn't until one evening we were hanging out a restaurant just chitchatting, enjoying each other's company, that I also noticed how attractive she was and started letting my mind wander to the possibilities. And I had a GF at the time! And that relationship developed a similar way, too.
Maybe? But it doesn't quite feel right. Not sure how to explain it, though. It's more that my ability to be attracted to someone is pretty malleable if I like them?
I experience attraction pretty much the same way. It's called demisexuality, the Wikipedia article can provide more information.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Demisexuality