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@alyaza@beehaw.org is MIA currently, but this weekly thread has been so awesome to see and keep going; so I am making what would be her typical post for this week. Alyaza; stay safe friend, I hope everything is okay.
Beeple, how's your mid week going so far??
It's often hard to be married to someone with PTSD. I haven't had a very good week. In fact, I've not had a very good year. My nephew committed suicide, my parents aren't doing so well, and I feel like I have no one to talk to. I listen, but I don't really talk. And when I do speak, I feel like people don't understand me. If I show even the slightest vulnerability, I get told I'm playing the victim, so I try to keep a cheerful exterior.
The best things I have are: My discord buddies (really the closest friends I've got, which I know is pathetic), and I actually like my job and see what we do as praxis (though it's been harder and harder not to feel like I'm just doing zombie mode).
There's just a deep and profound sadness inside me, and my emotions are so raw that I just curl up like an armadillo.
The only moments I feel alive are when I'm on my longboard or bicycle. I keep thinking I should try to become closer friends with my longboarding pal because otherwise we probably won't talk much in winter. I also reconnected with a friend who I used to be very close friends with back in high school, so I should work on that friendship, too.
just saying, you should definitely invest in therapy if you can afford to and you do not already. it sounds like you're dealing with some difficult relationship mechanics on top of having a rough year in general.
Not exactly the same thing, but when my partner was laid up from a broken leg, I was their primary caretaker and i ran into something similar. I felt very deeply that I was going through a difficult struggle as their caretaker, what with juggling all of the added responsibility with my job and everything. My partner is the person i would usually talk to about this kind of feeling, but anytime I brough it up, they would shut me down, saying that they didn't want to hear how hard i had it while they were also suffering from their painful fracture. My thinking was that we could share our struggles with each other, and that would be healthy, but my partner disagreed, saying that hearing my struggles made them feel bad. When I talked to my therapist about this, she agreed with my perspective, stating that providing emotional support was the least my partner could do. Hearing that from an outside perspective really helped me get through that time.
I'm sorry you're going through it, bud. I hope those new friendships you've been cultivating pan out ❤
Than you for the thoughtful response. It's encouraging to know that someone understands a bit what this is like.
I agree with the therapy idea. It's hard to pick up the phone. I feel like they bombard me with questions I can't answer the moment I call, but I need to get past that discomfort and try. I feel like I've had a really hard time finding a good therapist. I had one for a short amount of time, but she moved away from my state which, I don't blame her.
It's also scary how much money it can cost, but it's my life. I've got to do it.
I hear you! I've been without a therapist for like a year now. I keep meaning to work on finding a new one, but it's hard. Therapy is kind of incompatible with our stupid capitalist healthcare system. Until you find a therapist, you have to treat it like you're shopping around for a new car or something. And of course, adopting and holding that mindset requires executive function, which is the very thing you need therapy to help you improve on. It's a catch-22 😩
The money part is real. With my insurance I was able to get $40 a session, but i'm extremely fortunate to have better employer-based insurance than most folks. And even at $40 a session, there are days where you question if you got your $40 worth.
I'm sorry you have been going through so much. I also get told I'm playing the victim. It's hard, I always feel like I can't express myself right so I don't want to try but not trying hurts my relationships more. I hope your week gets better and you start feeling better
Thanks for your kind words
Sorry to hear. I'm well into several years of trending that direction and facing the realization that I have very little control over it.
I find that big waves of this attitude have been hitting multiple societies, we are told to "pick ourselves up by our own bootstrap" and seek "private personal therapy" - but there is no real weather report about how people are under the influence of many different information systems and outright campaigns to influence attitudes and reactions.
it's become a lifestyle for a year for me now, and the couple years before that weren't much more than a couple people with semi-neighborly contact. It's not a nice precipice to observe and realize you are folding into.