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If it’s not possible to completely stop yourself from self-harming, try to use harm reduction principles such as keeping a well-stocked first aid kit or harm in ways which are less dangerous. Snapping a rubber band on your wrist is one thing that you could try but since you seem more likely to beat yourself (I’m assuming punches to the head/torso type of thing) then getting a punching bag and beating up the bag instead might help redirect your emotions outward.
You need therapy for sure but I don’t know how attainable that is for you. Without professional guidance in reprogramming your feelings of guilt and self-hatred you can only do so much. But be kind to yourself. Affirmations may seem corny but telling yourself you did nothing wrong, didn’t deserve your abuse, and are worthy of love from yourself and others, can make a tiny start on the road to healing.
In any case I hope you are able to grow and heal from this and find peace in your life. Much love from an internet stranger.
thanks, I'll try the rubber thing if I succeed to get one!
I'll get therapy when I move cities again, my another friend is going to bring me to the therapist who saved him when I get to Moscow but it'll probably be a month or so...
Please be careful with snapping a band on your wrist. Repeatedly hitting tendons - especially if you're dealing with a flashback and can't regulate your behavior - can lead to permanent damage to your hands. If you absolutely must go this route, aim for a meaty spot on your arm.