Which makes me wonder if these conservatives are all closeted gay, trans, childfree, etc, don't want a traditional family either, and their “family values” are the only thing forcing them to have one.

I'm reminded of a story of a woman who, at a public discussion about this issue, made the argument that women must not be allowed to be lesbian. She reasoned that, if women were allowed to be lesbian, then all women would be lesbian, because surely no woman actually wants a man for a partner. After a few moments of awkward silence, and the agreement of no one (including a number of women in heterosexual relationships), she sat down without another word.