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Ready to kill myself.

I'm tired of struggling everyday for shit that doesn't seem to matter in a world that is on fire with people who hate me.

Half good, half bad.

Let's start for the bad:

• It's been a week since I stopped taking melatonin before going to sleep. I reach my dreamworld as easily as with the pill, but somehow my sleep is light and I wake up earlier... and I feel sleepy along the day.

• Sometimes I feel like I need to things I did when I wasn't medicated. Like learning this or that language because yes. And giving up shortly after because yes.

Now, the good news:

• I met a woman (transgender) on a dating app. Although she only writes me once per day, while I'm sleeping, we're talking for 5 days already. She seems legit. But given my previous bad experiences dating women from other countries online (again, when I wasn't diagnosed), I've some concerns: Will she want a LDR? How long will it last? ...?

Good, been messing around with writing a N64 style renderer with gfx in Rust. Tho I'm probably leaving Beehaw, there seems to be TERFs in here.

A little stressed about work and money and trying to not panic about climate change. Overall just exhausted, fending off depression as best as I can, looking for new ways to keep myself motivated and excited about life. I'm going to experiment with new recipes this weekend.

I had a roof leak about 5 years ago that cause a lot of damage in one of the bedrooms. I fixed the leak but it took a long time to save up to fix the room. Last month I finally had enough money to get it fixed.

On Sunday, tropical storm Hilary caused several roof leaks including over the same bedroom. The ceiling, wall and carpet that I just replaced is destroyed along with a good chunk of ceiling in the garage. I can tear out the drywall in the garage and leave it, but idk how I'm going to afford to fix the roof and the bedroom.

So my week started out with a lot of frustration.

I have Baldur's Gate 3 brain rot. I can't stop looking at Astarion fan art.

Damn good this week

I'm currently on vacation for the week and turns out basically this whole week is supposed to be over 100F

I work in a hot warehouse going into truck trailers all day that are baking on the sun so I'm digging it

I volunteered to moonlight in a second role at my day job. This week is the first time that the workload has been getting to me. I guess it's just going to be a stressful couple of weeks and then I'll get through it.

My roomie wants to try living alone and our lease ends in a couple months. I'm really tired of paying my landlord's mortgage so I'm considering buying a decent looking prefab for 120k. I'm 28 and haven't even bought a car much less a house. But I can't stand renting and burning another 70k. It's ridiculous.

I’m at my grandma’s right now (in vacation). It’s been fun since 3 weeks. But I got so many projects to finish with friends, there’s this very mysterious military abandoned building we need to explore, etc… and I really want to see them before we get back to class.

Next year will be a hell, I won’t probably even be with them but I have to cope last year of high school.

I’m kinda depressed of being stuck here, I just wish I could explore the city for abandoned places… or anything to do.

I started doing philosophy, thinking when I’m not programming to get out of my depressed mind.

Send help lol