this post was submitted on 12 Dec 2023
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Asklemmy
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I find it absurd that virginity or lack thereof has any bearing.
Experience is often good to have.
100%, people who fetishize virginity are fucking weird and people who "preserve their virginity" usually have some weird culty background that they'll need to work through.
Sex is just sex.
For sex-only relations, sure. For a full on relationship? Nah, it has no bearing. I've dated a virgin that was manipulative as fuck, another that has been the best partner one could ask for, and have had similar experiences with those that have had past sexual encounters.
Their sexual past or lack thereof frankly doesn't matter. You need to look elsewhere for substantial indicators of their character and your compatibility.
Eh.
Some people take years to learn to play guitar poorly.
Some people pick it up in a month.
Natural talent and an ability to follow directions goes a long way.
I feel they're not training often enough to actually grow their skills in it.
Natural talents do help but repetition, motivation and using time on it are probably the three most important aspects in learning (new) stuff.
If they play poorly after years, they don't lack talent, they lack doing the right thing. If you train the wrong thing over and over thinking it's right, you may never figure out the problem
Not for the abusers. They'd rather shape your experience and groom you into a perfect abuse victim.
I guess it feels magical to be someone's first.
But as @otp said - experience brings knowledge of yourself and others and can make stuff more enjoyable and easier to do.
True, prior experience does bring prior knowledge of yourself, but for me, exploration has always been a key factor in a relationship, in all aspects. Like, what new memories did you make together, what unique things did you do together, etc.
Exploration of the self should be a constant thing, and while it's certainly no bad thing to have some basics checked off, that kind of discovery should be happening in meaningful relationships whether it's your first or your hundredth.
Nothing wrong with that.
We have new things to experience in other stuff of life too.
.
You can do it in many different surroundings and variables. Another situation teaches X better than another. Some situation might not teach anything.
So, you can learn things about yourself in a relationship or after that never occurred to you before.
Any bearing might be taking it a bit far. If we're both in our 30s and you've never had a relationship grow to the place of trust where sex occurs, I'm very interested in the why. It's not an automatic deal breaker either way, but as you age, it does communicate something about you, at least in Western cultures where sex outside of marriage is hardly taboo.
I would say it's fair to ask why, so long as there isn't any sort of judgement attached.
Some people simply choose not to and that's fine. It may not be how you and I live but it's a valid choice.
Some people don't wanna do it before wedlock. Also a valid choice but you do need to consider if that works for you.
Some also have traumas around the subject, like if their only experience was sexual assault or rape.
If it turns out the reasons are to do with simply being undesirable for one reason or another, chances are you'll notice those before you notice the fact they haven't had sex.
Also the reason could be that they're just not interested in sex. There's nothing wrong with that, but I have no interest in a sexless relationship. I want to be with someone who has a similar attitude towards and drive for sex.
And what does it communicate ? I'm genuinely curious.
That'll vary from person to person, as it can give insight into how they see themselves and what they expect of relationships, possibly other very different things. After all, someone remaining virgin because they firmly believe it should only happen after marriage is very different from someone who is just too socially awkward. A past trauma could also be a reason, so, again, it's something to better know and understand the person.
There's no way to know until you ask, but to me it might mean that they have quite low self esteem, or the opposite, that they have an inflated view of themselves that no one was good enough for them.
It could also communicate that sex or physical intimacy is not important to them. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, but it would certainly affect my interest in anything past a platonic friendship with them.
Lol that like about anything about your life isn't it? Why is this more important than anything else?
I was only disputing that op said it should have "no bearing" not that it's the most important thing.
Also though, compatible levels of interest in sex is extremely important in monogamous relationships. For any other interest or need I can engage alone or with friends if my partner isn't interested. For sex, I need my partner to be on board.
Here you're supposing that a virgin will be by choice.
I don't think I would want to date someone that was a virgin; they wouldn't know what they actually liked or didn't like (fantasies are significantly different from real life; the things you fantasize about may not work for you IRL), and I wouldn't be interested in trying to guide them to a conclusion that may not align with my desires at all.
I had a partner that did all of that for me, and in the end, we weren't aligned. She ultimately didn't get what she wanted, because we couldn't reach an agreement. Or, we couldn't reach an agreement until it was too late.
Hmm. Good point.
Some of us are ready to try that stuff out too, but there are risks involved that you mentioned.